A breathing heart

I can feel my heart unclenching and loosening the grip around the pain – a black stone, without any reflections of light centered inside me. My heart is unfolding like a flower in the morning, reaching for light and air to breathe. I am inhaling your voice and the words you give me. I am always exhaling the ashes of old memories, burning away through our love, until it disappears from the place it was so rooted in before we met. I feel lighter now, but also more solid, like I exist more both inside and outside myself than I used to do. Gravity is not an organ inside my heart anymore, but beneath my feet and the weight of my existence is not centered in my mind but in my body.

bloggme1

Photo of me from 2006.

We are creating our own world – on an invisible bridge between two continents. Your voice creates shadows in my room that are so real that I can feel every word like a touch or your breath, gently floating just above my skin. All we have right now, is the presence of each other’s voices, and the longing in between the conversations.

Our world is slowly replacing the Hell I used to live in. Reducing the darkness, reinventing ways of thinking, reclaiming my emotions. You didn’t save my life – I saved myself by allowing you to love me.

My heart is not crying anymore. My heart is not a broken mirror. My heart still knows pain and fear – humiliation and grief. But now, all that is just an echo of something felt in the past. The eerie echos of being hated by someone I love without any reason at all, of the taste of spit in my face, of my legs spreading for all the wrong reasons. I used to wander among those memories every day – walking in and out of them like they were geographically places inside my mind. But you comfort me and my heart with your unconditional love – soothing my inside like candlelight. I am vulnerable with you, I have to surrender to the raw nakedness of the vulnerability to be able to build this new world with you – and in that vulnerability I can grow and breathe without inhaling fear.

6 thoughts on “A breathing heart

  1. stevie says:

    you have a very special way with words little lady ……….loved it all can’t wait until you start to write your books…… Stevie

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  2. Todd from Kentucky says:

    Well, I just want to say how wonderful that image is of you. I hope in the new year, you will continue to explore the potential opportunities to communicate through your photography as well.

    Like

  3. miamakila79 says:

    Dear Todd..that’s sweet of you to say…I don’t own a good camera anymore…I only photographed Domenique…but now she’s in rehab so I don’t have access to her…what would I photograph now when she’s gone?

    Like

  4. Todd from Kentucky says:

    “what would I photograph now when she’s gone?” I think you know the answer to that question. A big part of why the above photo is so good is the subject matter . . .

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  5. miamakila79 says:

    Well.. I’ve been taking blog selfies for a decade now, I am kind of tired of my own face 😉 but perhaps I could make some kind of arrangements..make sculptures that only last for one photoshoot… I just need more money

    Like

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