I can feel my heart unclenching and loosening the grip around the pain – a black stone, without any reflections of light centered inside me. My heart is unfolding like a flower in the morning, reaching for light and air to breathe. I am inhaling your voice and the words you give me. I am always exhaling the ashes of old memories, burning away through our love, until it disappears from the place it was so rooted in before we met. I feel lighter now, but also more solid, like I exist more both inside and outside myself than I used to do. Gravity is not an organ inside my heart anymore, but beneath my feet and the weight of my existence is not centered in my mind but in my body.
We are creating our own world – on an invisible bridge between two continents. Your voice creates shadows in my room that are so real that I can feel every word like a touch or your breath, gently floating just above my skin. All we have right now, is the presence of each other’s voices, and the longing in between the conversations.
Our world is slowly replacing the Hell I used to live in. Reducing the darkness, reinventing ways of thinking, reclaiming my emotions. You didn’t save my life – I saved myself by allowing you to love me.
My heart is not crying anymore. My heart is not a broken mirror. My heart still knows pain and fear – humiliation and grief. But now, all that is just an echo of something felt in the past. The eerie echos of being hated by someone I love without any reason at all, of the taste of spit in my face, of my legs spreading for all the wrong reasons. I used to wander among those memories every day – walking in and out of them like they were geographically places inside my mind. But you comfort me and my heart with your unconditional love – soothing my inside like candlelight. I am vulnerable with you, I have to surrender to the raw nakedness of the vulnerability to be able to build this new world with you – and in that vulnerability I can grow and breathe without inhaling fear.