I spend my days trying to move forward in every area of my life. Mentally, emotionally, sexually, artistically, romantically, spiritually and practically. I get drained easily. It’s so much hard work I’m doing at once. But it has to be done and nobody can do it for me. I am no longer a victim of my past, but an explorer of my future. I understand that I have to take a ‘real job’ in order for my career to get started – I am simply too broke to work as an artist right now. I wouldn’t even be able to afford having any art shows. It’s very hard for me to adapt to the real world outside my own studio. I am not equipped with the social skills that is required – I don’t even know how to act normal, I mean, to tame my wild brain and to just go with the flow without rebelling against every single rule that someone else has set up for me to follow. I wish I could get brainwashed and become fit for a non creative job so I could get the damn money I need to get my career going again. I feel frustrated, and my ego is bruised. But I have to get back into the art world again, and there is no other way to get there.
But I am not complaining. I feel happier than ever – stronger – but also more vulnerable and naked in front of myself. The self therapy work I am doing about shame is really helpful. I’ve never realized how much shame I’ve been carrying around with me. I’m also making research about the connection between shame and humiliation and guilt and punishment – and I have found some very shocking truths about myself. I love when I shock myself like that. It’s called a psychological breakthrough and that’s when I know I am on the right track. Where I am moving past something, when I am moving forward and beyond.
I talk to my boyfriend in California every night. It’s funny how the phone line has such a perfect and clear sound, no static noise or interruptions – yet we have an ocean and half a planet between us. But only that. Emotionally we are so connected and entangled in each other that it feels just like skin on skin – but on the inside. I fall asleep with a smile. I wake up with another.
My mind has opened a door to a smile room I didn’t know existed before. Or maybe it’s in my heart. I am not sure.
I have the love – and a new sense of inner strength. The only thing I don’t have right now – is money.