I’m feeling peculiarly quiet and withdrawn. Once again, I am overwhelmed by old emotions released in my self-empowerment work. I feel so much gratitude for what I have – and for who I have become, but there is also a sense of grief about who I used to be. I am letting her go. It’s been a long and slow process of change and transformation – but at times I get anxious, because I change so drastically and so fast – within this slow process. It’s confusing. I am also changing the way I speak – I am spending my days rather isolated from the world around me, watching lectures, movies and TV series all in English, talking to my boyfriend in California – in English, I am always writing in English and last night I had my first dream at night playing out in English. I am starting to become more Americanized than I am Swedish. Of course, it only adds to my confusion. But my future is not here, in Sweden – I know that. I can feel a gravity towards land far away from here. I don’t fit in here, I never have and I never will. It’s not a complaint – it’s a fact.
I have made some remarkable discoveries about my relationship to failure – and success; I used to think I was scared of failure – that the fear of failure was holding me back – that perhaps it could even be the root of my creativity blockage. But I’ve discovered something quite puzzling; I am more afraid of success than of failure. I used to be successful, in fact I was living my dream as a celebrated artist. But my life looked very different back then, I don’t want to get into it – but I can tell you that I wasn’t only celebrated – I was also severely humiliated and punished for my achievements and success. Since I was already suffering from PTSD -it was more than I could handle at the time. I simply gave into the shame, the humiliation – the fear of more negative reactions. So I stopped. It all. Making art, selling paintings – I stopped believing in myself. I was broken. Completely. Success tasted like hate and punishment. Why would I want to strive for more of it?
I guess, unconsciously, I’v been avoiding success and artistic expression because I have been scared of the hate storm that came with it the last time.
As I am rediscovering my strength and dignity, I am also finding protection against the negative energies around me. I am fighting the fear of success in order to pursuit even more of it. I’ve already proved to myself that I can do it – and this time I will do it the right way – I will be in control of the success instead of letting the success control me. I am not ready yet, but I will be very soon.
This is an exciting process. It makes me feel potent and alive.