For four days I’ve been trying to write something here, but it’s like the words just won’t come out. I can sense them, flowing like a river inside me, but something is blocking them from floating out on the screen.
At times I am going through very abstract phases of healing and soul searching and it’s hard to form any tangible sentences to describe what I am experiencing. It’s nothing religious or anything like that – it is simply the space in between two different versions of me or my own perception of things. A space where it’s too late to feel like my old convictions are still believable, because I am growing out of my old beliefs but it’s too early to totally grasp a different and deeper understanding. It makes me a bit withdrawn and contemplative. But it’s exciting – to let go of whatever I thought I knew about myself and to open my mind and expand it in order to welcome new and different ideas. My warped self images are burning away and being replaced by a sense of inner freedom. But it’s in the gaps in between these different viewpoints where I’m feeling a bit lost.
On the inside, something is always dying and being reborn. There is a sense of innocence being lost and found while other things are already rotten and something new stars to grow out of the decay. It’s a wonderful process of growth and strength. But it can be overwhelming – some days I just cry and cry. Not because I am sad, but because I feel so damn alive and so full of gratitude and love.