Sad stuff from the time I couldn’t make art

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Drawing from 2013

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FROM MY DIARY:

September 10th 2013

“Dear art.

Where have you gone? I miss you so much. We are one. You are me – and I am you. You are my voice and my best friend. You helped me when I needed it the most and you pushed me out of the big depression in 2008, I know it was all your doing and I am so grateful. But lately, I’ve been having all kinds of new feelings towards life, myself and – you. So we could start over, forget about depressions and gloomy things and just go nuts, what do you say?”

January 4th 2014

“My darling, it’s silly that we should avoid each other like this. I know things have been very awkward and painful between us for a long time – but I’ve never lost my hope about us. Remember the magic we created together? All that glorious beauty and powerful statements? I think about all the times we pushed paint around on the canvas together. A thousand shades of pink. Baby blues. Mars Black. And the warm flowing colors of fire. I feel curious about how it would be like to meet somewhere again. We have both changed I’m sure. We are older, wiser, survived great pains and passions that have carved our characters into new shapes and temperament. I long for you. I miss you. And I miss us. Will you connect with me once more, if I asked you? I know we still got it. I can feel it within myself, the sparks and fireworks when we connect. I am here for you, waiting for you, as I have been for many years. I will be in my studio tomorrow. If you come to me, I will love you for as long as you need me. Let’s tell our stories. Come to me my love. Tomorrow.”

May 30th 2014

“Dear art.

Its been a while since I wrote a letter to you. But this time I have something important to tell you. I can see how I have forced myself upon you, how I’ve tried to use to just to make money and how brutally I have treated you because I’ve been too stubborn and my ego is too big. I know I’ve been hating you, even wanting us to part forever. I’ve used my frustration to push you away because the pain has been unbearable at times.

I hope to hear from you soon.

/Mia”

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Can you now understand how wonderful it is for me to finally be able to unleash all the creativity I have inside me?

7 years later.

A heart translated

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So I am currently working on the new painting, a digital piece, making drawings and sketches for future projects – and creating video montages for the blog. The flow of creativity is here. It’s really here. I feel unleashed and liberated. But it’s not something dramatic, it just feels natural. This is who I am. This is what I was born to do. The purpose of my existence. It’s just part of nature, both mine and the nature outside myself. It’s my legacy to the world, which feels important to me since I am not interested in having any children.

Making art, being creative, is the act of translating the human heart and everything it inhabits. Its red rooms, the cemetery of memories and dead love, the rawness of pain, the delicate sensitivity – the glowing galaxies of its desire. Everything that comes without a language. Wordless worlds. It’s my job to make sense of it all.

Day 1

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Work in progress

It’s the first day of my new journey where my creativity is the main focus. I’ve been painting again for the first time in a very long time. All the hard work I’ve put into my self-empowerment has paid off. The anxiety is gone. It was there whenever I stood in front of the easel for over 6 years. Today it felt smooth and easy to paint. I wasn’t scared, I didn’t feel any pressure and my mojo created that sweet flow I’ve been longing for. I started with the face, like I always do. For the first time I gave my Lolita demon green eyes, the same shade as mine. Perhaps my art will be more personal from now on. I feel so much closer to myself now. More connected. I’m sure it will be visible in my future creative projects as well.

I tried to create time blocks so I could practice self-discipline and focus without distractions. One hour at a time, where I’m totally focused on what I’m doing – no multi tasking, no looking at my phone or talking to other people. After an intense hour I take a little break and then go back for another hour of intense painting. I think it will work.

I’m so drained. My eyes hurt. I will rest now and continue painting tomorrow.

I feel really happy.