An artist’s process

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An artist’s thought process while starting on a painting that doesn’t feel quite right… I am working on this piece right now and I got frustrated and almost threw it out the window in anger but I changed it and now I’m back on track. I have to stay with my true expression: rawness, ugliness and vulnerability, that’s my thing. As soon as I add hair to the figures they look pretty and cute and I don’t make pretty or cute art. Period.

Frost

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A frosty view of the big cemetery outside my studio window

It’s Monday morning and the world outside my windows is covered with frost and ice. I’m just a week away from start working with my art again. I feel excited. It’s been such a long journey to get to this point where there is nothing that’s standing between me and my art, nothing but my own confidence.

I wrote this in May 2014:

“Dear art.

Its been a while since I wrote a letter to you. But this time I have something important to tell you. 

I can see how I have forced myself upon you, how I’ve tried to use you to make money and how brutally I have treated you because I’ve been too stubborn and my ego is too big. I know I’ve been hating you, even wanting us to part forever. I’ve used my frustration to push you away because the pain has been unbearable at times.

And the fear of losing our dear fans. I know the world is patiently waiting for us to work together again, and they don’t mean to put a pressure on us, but sometimes I’ve felt like I have disappointed a whole world with this disconnection between us. I love our fans and I want to show them the magic we can create together – but most of all I want us to FEEL the magic when we create, you know. It’s something intimate between only you and me. 

My life is changing so fast right now, and I am shedding skin. What we had, what we did, I know we can never come back to. And I don’t want to go back. Instead, the future is ours to explore. I want to use all this change in our work, what do you say? I feel like we can meet in a new place, share our intimate moments in a different space, far away from old mistakes and expectations from the world. 

I miss you so much, and I need you. My life is not complete without you. I am so sorry that I’ve treated you like a money machine, I know that you are so much more than that, we are beyond superficial things like money and fame. We want to express the complexities of the soul, we want to burn, we want to scream of all the love and pain inside!

No more cute, big eyed, doll stuff, that’s so done. We need to explore our talents in a new way. Whatever will be will be, and I know it’s gonna be amazing, can you feel it?

I love you, even if I’ve hated you too sometimes.

I hope to hear from you soon.

/Mia”

I feel like a completely different person now. I live in my new skin, I have a new voice and a new confidence. It’s been almost 7 years since I felt like I was working with my art and it was fun, and not a struggle. I feel like I am coming home after a very long and painful journey. But I have learned a lot about myself and my art on this journey, and I will use it as a guideline in my future career. I just feel grateful to be here. I am in no hurry but I’m not gonna procrastinate my projects anymore. I have one last week of this meditative state before I start using my new voice in my art.  It’s a beautiful process, and it’s all part of being an artist in the world – the struggles, the creativity, the flow, the pain, the success, the solitude and the love of spiritual freedom.

The other world

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From my inspiration folder, I have an artist’s crush on Charlotte Rampling’s eyes.

I’m feeling restless and impatient. I want to get started with new art projects but I feel stuck in between two worlds. Since I’ve been so focused on my inner journey and creating a new life for myself in these last few years, I haven’t been focused on my art and it’s a strange process to switch focus from one world to another – like searching for Narnia in a dark closet behind a collection of fur coats. I need to relax my consciousness, to reach a meditative state – and dive into my own Universe. I have to isolate myself a little, I have be quiet and introvert without feeling pressured to be social or expressive. I will search for silence and solitude. That’s where I’ll find everything I need to be able to ge started and into the groove and the mood for having fun with my Lolita demons again.

I have never felt closer to my creativity and art before. I haven’t been feeling like this for 10 years, but even then I didn’t feel this connected to my creativity like I am now. No wonder I’m feeling a little impatient!