My birth

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I am taking a day off, just relaxing and contemplating. The creative flow is amazing but I have to make sure it’s not adding stress to my life. I haven’t worked this hard in years. It is good to feel swept away by my creativity – and to feel a little out of control at times. To let my imagination and creativity lead me and not the other way around. This is the reason why I have never felt truly lonely in my life – because the creativity and my imagination has been my companions. The times of a deep sense of loneliness only comes when I am not creating.

Next month I will take part of a panel discussion in Stockholm about horror, but nothing is more scary than watching the Trump administration at work. I feel like I can’t add anything to the world of horror that is not already coming out of Washington at the moment.

My self-therapy work has shifted from dealing with themes of my past to solely dealing with plans and strategies for future challenges. I now have a step-by-step plan how to get out of my current situation of being broke to reaching a more successful place – and a list of necessary resources I have to use to be able to do it:

  1. self-discipline
  2. stress reducing and finding balance within
  3. focus (eliminating distractions and negative energy)
  4. understanding my value as an artist
  5. no doubting or hesitating
  6. patience

Since I have a plan, a strategy and a list of must-have resources, I simply have no excuses left, to stay in my comfort zone of isolation. I am pushing myself out into the world like I am giving birth to my own life.

My Birth by Frida Kahlo, 1932

“My Birth” by Frida Kahlo, 1932

The flow

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Trying to capture panic in “The Wound”

I am really painting again. No self-doubt, no hesitation, no fear – just me having fun in the studio. And even if the subject matter is very disturbing and painful for me, I don’t feel sad or anxious while working – I’m just letting it all out and as it leaves my heart and end up on the canvas, I am healing even more. Last night I ended up in that wonderful flow of creativity and passion that I’ve missed so much and I couldn’t sleep because of the rush from the flow.

One of the best things I’ve done lately is to define what my idea of ‘the perfect artistic expression’ is to me. I made a list of what I’m trying to achieve with my artistic voice, and if I just follow the list I will have no reason to doubt myself or compare myself to other artists:

  1. Capture strong emotions in their primitive state

  2. Use vivid colors

  3. Find a balance between light/dark and playful/serious

  4. Simplicity and a clear composition (no unnecessary details or a realistic approach)

  5. The expression should not be flattering or perfect in an obvious way

  6. The expression has to feel like ‘home’ to me

“Mojoing”

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Selfie from last year. This totally looks like a mug shot, I almost wish it was. But I do have some mojo going on.

My mojo has been missing for a long time but I am finally beginning to feel it seep into my veins again. I’m starting to feel playful and horny while working with my art and that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Lust and passion are such important components in my creativity and it creates this sexual energy that feeds my imagination and ambition. I love it. It makes me feel powerful, potent and alive. I’m so dependent on my mojo – to be ‘mojoless’ is almost painful for me. It’s almost like I get sick when I lose the connection to my sexual energy. So, I need to stay connected to it.

I think mojo is such a natural part of the human energy – we are driven by two needs; to survive and to propagate our species – the mojo is a necessary energy for both needs.  I choose to celebrate it. To put it in my work – and load my core with it. Although I am so connected to my mojo, I lose the connection very easily. It happens when I start to doubt myself, when I lose myself to other people’s expectations, when I compromise my artistic expression – or when I feel censored by my own fear or by other people’s judgment. I just have to be more careful with my mojo and keep my shape intact and not letting other people mold it to whatever they want me to be for them.

The mojo makes me feel electric in both my body and thoughts and it keeps all my parts connected (mind, body, heart, soul) and therefore I am able to be me to the fullest. I think that kind of soft and invisible electricity is a beautiful experience and it’s also so natural – since our brain is wired through electrical impulses (and when the doctor tries to resuscitate the heart, they use electricity). There are so many fascinating and natural energies that people seem to forget about. We should learn how to harness them and to create something incredible with it – for ourselves and others. We should all start ‘mojoing’ more. Mojoing when we are alone. Mojoing together with other people. To let those electric butterflies fly.

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Mojoing, 2010

Rest and play

This flu is merciless, but I am still able to meditate and I’ve found some amazing places within myself. I never though I would be able to meditate and I don’t know if I’m doing it right but at least I am getting some peace of mind during the sessions. I’m keeping a meditation diary because I’m finding answers and keys to unlock insecurities and fears as I am traveling within myself. It’s quite incredible.

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I’ve discovered the importance of balance – both a sense of an inner and a physical balance – and a balance when it comes to rest vs play (work).  And I am now faced with an important question; is my creativity part of rest or is it play? Do I use my creativity to relax or as work? Perhaps the answer will change everything. Perhaps my art is not suppose to be what I do for a living – perhaps that’s why it has been keeping me from feeling the magical lust and flow when I am creating. If so – then I’ve been pushing myself in the wrong direction. I have to experiment to see how I am supposed to use my creativity – maybe I can use my writing and digital art as wok but the painting process is more about relaxation and self-intimacy than it is about working to make money. We’ll see. I will study myself as a scientist until I’ll know the answer.