I’MPOSSIBLE

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I’m slowly starting to feel like myself again. I still feel a little numb and distant but not as encapsulated in the heavy fog. All my creative processes were completely disrupted by this – and I’ve lost some momentum and mojo, but I’ll do what it takes to get it back.

I’m very grateful for the internship at the gallery, I am having so much fun! The gallery has been my sanctuary during this heavy week. Not only because the work itself is stimulating but also because it’s a boost to my self-esteem and confidence. When I get affected by the hormone storm, I lose some of it. I feel weak, fatigue, vulnerable and a little lost. But through the work, I’m reminded of my strength, capability, my intellect and my talent. Whatever feels impossible is only a momentary malfunction in the brain system – I know I am capable of anything I set my mind to – and instead of dwelling on feeling like things are impossible I have to remind myself that I’mpossible. That’s a good word, a little cheesy perhaps, but still a good mantra.

And even when life is hard – I don’t lose my good qualities. They are still there, hiding under the fog of self doubt and twisted hormones.

Now I have some orientation to do. I need to get back to where I left off before the disruption. Back to the new painting. The digital piece about house roots. Back to writing on this blog again. I’ve missed it all. I’ve missed you as well.

Emotional

The monthly invasion of excruciatingly intense hormones and anxiety has once again interrupted my process of self therapy. I feel all messed up – over emotional and numb at the same time. But in this break I am able to reflect on what I’m going through and to acknowledge the hard work I’m doing, which I’m usually taking for granted.

Spring is somehow leaking through the chilly winds outside my window. It’s still cold out but I can feel a change coming on. I feel just as restless as spring to unfold and blossom with everything I am.

Soon.

I am thinking about how I found love while looking for it in other places. I’m still so used to destructive relationships that I am having a hard time trusting all the wonderfulness of this love story. I’m learning how to accept love and to trust another person. It is almost as difficult as the process of my self-empowerment. Or perhaps it’s part of it. I feel extremely emotional as soon as I am thinking about him. We are quite different but we share many qualities, especially how we always filter life through our thoughts and hearts and allow details to be as significant as the whole. There is a sense of sensuality in that. We both experienced an interruption of innocence somewhere early in life, and we are slowly repairing it together in each other and in ourselves. We are like a scaffolding to each other’s heart, creating a support system so we can heal and grow. Like the crutches holding the characters together in Dali’s paintings.

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It is a beautiful love. Not harsh or indifferent like the ones in my past. It’s like we are growing up together, although we are already adults. I wonder what that will do to the passive Lolitas in my art.

Today, I will simply let the anxious hormones pass through me as if am a train station. All the emotions are warped and colored with high sensitivity and conflicting meanings. Tomorrow I hope I’ll wake up to be more in control of my inner activities.