“Mojoing”

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Selfie from last year. This totally looks like a mug shot, I almost wish it was. But I do have some mojo going on.

My mojo has been missing for a long time but I am finally beginning to feel it seep into my veins again. I’m starting to feel playful and horny while working with my art and that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Lust and passion are such important components in my creativity and it creates this sexual energy that feeds my imagination and ambition. I love it. It makes me feel powerful, potent and alive. I’m so dependent on my mojo – to be ‘mojoless’ is almost painful for me. It’s almost like I get sick when I lose the connection to my sexual energy. So, I need to stay connected to it.

I think mojo is such a natural part of the human energy – we are driven by two needs; to survive and to propagate our species – the mojo is a necessary energy for both needs.  I choose to celebrate it. To put it in my work – and load my core with it. Although I am so connected to my mojo, I lose the connection very easily. It happens when I start to doubt myself, when I lose myself to other people’s expectations, when I compromise my artistic expression – or when I feel censored by my own fear or by other people’s judgment. I just have to be more careful with my mojo and keep my shape intact and not letting other people mold it to whatever they want me to be for them.

The mojo makes me feel electric in both my body and thoughts and it keeps all my parts connected (mind, body, heart, soul) and therefore I am able to be me to the fullest. I think that kind of soft and invisible electricity is a beautiful experience and it’s also so natural – since our brain is wired through electrical impulses (and when the doctor tries to resuscitate the heart, they use electricity). There are so many fascinating and natural energies that people seem to forget about. We should learn how to harness them and to create something incredible with it – for ourselves and others. We should all start ‘mojoing’ more. Mojoing when we are alone. Mojoing together with other people. To let those electric butterflies fly.

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Mojoing, 2010

No interference

I’ve been painting, meditating, watching films and drinking tea. It’s a good day. It’s been a good week. A good month too, so far. Johnny and I are getting closer. Hearing his voice through the earbuds while closing my eyes, almost transports him here, next to me. There is no static between us. No interference. Only love.

I’ve never let any man come this close before. It used to terrify me, this closeness, even though it’s been my highest wish to be really close to someone. But I am not afraid anymore. I decided not to be. It was that easy. But getting through all the obstacles so I could make that decision was very difficult.

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2015

When we talk, we float into each other, melt together in the silences and through the laughs and we’re cleansing our hearts together, deep inside our invisible home. I know it will take years for us to be together in real life, but it doesn’t change anything. I feel happy. I feel close. Our intimacy outsmarts the missing and the frustration.

Next year will be so different from this year, I can already sense it. This year was all about letting go and to accept what I’ve never been able to accept. Next year will be about finding the pulse of life and getting in sync with it. I want to lose weight. I’ve had so much extra weight on my shoulders for a very long time, and it shows in my body as well. I want to feel beautiful. Healthy. I want to celebrate my femininity. My raw female power and strength. I want to do, to be, to make, instead of healing through the intellect and meditation. Next year will be my first real year as a person, without the traumas or the fear. I’ve worked so hard to get there. I am so close. I am so close to finding life. To letting myself go – without inhibitions. I am so close to whatever reality is about, without the dark edges around it.

Sexsomnia

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Me, sleeping, 2010

I recently read about a phenomena called “sexsomnia” (a condition in which a person will engage in sexual activities while asleep) that has rapidly increased amongst men, especially men accused of rape and sexual assault. The accused men claim they suffer from sexsomnia – but they use it in order to avoid going to prison. They can’t be found guilty or being held responsible for their rape or sexual abuse if they weren’t aware of their own actions. This is a very sad and troubling social development. Either there’s a severe epidemic of sexsominia spreading – but only man to man – or it’s a tragic trend. It’s affecting me deeply because I use to live with a man who would only want to have sex with me while I was asleep. I often found myself being in the middle of an intercourse while sleeping in my own bed at night. Always from behind. I heard his breaths and grunts as he was handling me as if I was nothing more than a fuck doll. Once I woke up this way, I felt confused and strange. Like I didn’t know if it was a good thing or not. We hadn’t been sexual together for a few years, the only times were were intimate was when I was falling asleep, waking up or sound asleep. Never during the day. Never when I felt sexy and ready. Always when I was in my most vulnerable state – relaxed, unprepared and kind of out of it.

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Even though this made me feel confused while it was happening, I let him do it to me. I didn’t fight or push him off. But it didn’t feel right and I wasn’t enjoying myself. My pussy wasn’t even wet – my mind was in a totally different place. My friends label this as ‘rape’ – I didn’t see it that way at the time, but now I see how I was sexually abused while I was asleep and thinking I was in my safe place, with the man who was supposed to protect me, not cause me any discomfort or abuse. When I confronted him the next day I asked him “What were you doing to me last night?” and he answered with a smile: “Oh, yes – wasn’t it nice?”. “But… I was asleep” I said and he shrugged his shoulders and simply answered: “Well…so was I”. And that was that. He never asked me if it was OK to do that, and I was too confused to tell him that it wasn’t. We weren’t having any intimacy or sex when I was awake so I thought, at least I’m having sex, even if it was in some twisted way. I wish I could have left him before we became sexless. As soon as a relationship dies that way, it’s probably gonna stay dead anyway.

I used to live with a man who suffered from sexsomnia, but he loved his disorder and embraced it. I have a feeling that it’s probably exactly what most men who claim they suffer from sexsomnia also does. What a lovely and convenient disorder for a man – but what a nightmare for his woman who can never be sure of what happened to her while she was asleep – in her own bed at night.

Sexual energy

I have been watching a very long documentary about Frank Sinatra today called Sinatra: All or Nothing and I have to say that he was just gorgeous as a young crooner. So much sexual energy. That made me think about how I’m attracted to that sexual energy in celebrities and how I’m not that interested in celebrities and musicians if they don’t possess that kind energy. I love Sinatra. Elvis. The Rolling Stones. But not The Beatles – and I don’t see that kind of sexual energy in their work. Nor in the Beach Boys. They were more about innovations. Tina Turner, oh my God. James Brown. Madonna. Prince. A lot of sexual energy.

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Even in other artistic areas, I’m drawn to that sexual energy. In the art of Frida Kahlo, Lempicka, Magritte, Cindy Sherman, in the films of Lynch, Bergman, Von Trier, in the fashion of Vivienne Westwood, Jean Paul Gaultier and in literature, poetry and photography as well.  The sexual energy is just naturally part of their core expression and it’s vital, potent, explosive and full of power and strength. I feel at home in that energy.

From Von Trier’s “Nymphomaniac”

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Patricia Arquette in Lynch’s “Lost Highway”

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“THE BONES OF RAPE” BY MIA MAKILA

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“THE BONES OF RAPE” BY MIA MAKILA, 2016 [digital]

Detail studies:

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The anatomy of a broken sexuality. Rape is a complete murder when it comes to the victim’s spirit and sexuality, but yet it’s treated by our laws as if it’s a minor crime. Rape is not only a violent attack, rape can be many things – even having sex with your partner when you don’t feel like it but that is ignored or when a ‘no’ is not enough for someone to leave your body alone. This piece was difficult to make, but it felt important.