This is what change looks like

This is what change looks like. Notebook after notebook of therapy work and self explorations to become a better and stronger person, to heal and overcome PTSD – and to change or break destructive behavioral patterns. 2012-2015.

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The times they are a-changin’

It feels like everything is changing right now. I am changing, the seasons are changing, the world seems to be going through a lot of political changes right now as well. I love changes but there is always a little pain involved when you or your world is changing. It is only through that pain or discomfort that change is even possible, without an effort or acceptance, change is impossible or wasted and turned into denial, indifference and bitterness.

I am always moving forward, always looking for improvement and exploration. But I think I am always looking for something that feels like home – in anything I do.

I am letting go of an old thinking style and old ideas of who I am and who I was in my past. That person feels like a total stranger to me now, and when I’m confronted by her old behavior and values, I feel confused and a little embarrassed, because it’s like a Neanderthal version of myself.

I’m letting go of an old intellect, with thoughts and feelings that were born in the mind of a victim of domestic abuse and humiliation. I’m letting go of being a survivor – always on guard and defensive because I was so used to being hurt and betrayed. That costume doesn’t fit me anymore, it even smells really bad.

I’m learning how to just be me in the world, without having to carry the heavy baggage of my past with me wherever I go. It’s time to store it away and to not let it follow me around.

It’s time to create a new thinking style for myself – and to hold on to everything that feels like home and get rid of the rest.