Using my notebooks of therapy research as the base for a new personal mythology in my art.
At the end of every year I go through a list of things I want for myself and want to accomplish during the following year. That way, I can plan my life according to my wants and needs (although life has a tendency to make plans for me as well) .
This is my wish list for 2017:
- Break dependency cycles (health care system, parents, job coach, therapist etc)
- Become my own authority figure (be my own Goddess) and never be submissive to anyone
- Find balance within myself and between body and mind
- Structure my time and practice self-discipline to find a better tempo in my creativity
- Meditate every day
- Remember law of attraction – “What I focus on I shall receive”
- Be more clear about my boundaries
- Practice ‘superficial’ so I can be more social (not everyone wants intimacy like I do)
- BE PATIENT!
- Control my thoughts and steer them in the right direction (kill negativity and victim mentality)
- Live in the moment and enjoy it
- Stop feeding the WANT and start feeding the NEED
- Stop being a slave to my own fear
- Find some joy in things I consider boring
- Feel grateful for the things I have and for who I am
I am feeling a bit emotional. Week after week I’ve been pushing through difficulties and health problems with a strength I did’t knew I possessed. I was so close to another depression, and it wasn’t long ago, perhaps only a month or so. I’ve done hard work and it has paid off. But liberating yourself from everything you’ve ever known to be real and true – old convictions and belief systems (which works as an engine for your behavior) is not easy. This process of independence has been really painful.
Many people experience an unbearable loneliness when they’re at the bottom of their lives. When they are heartbroken, ill or just lost. For me, it’s been the opposite. Whenever I’ve broken free from bad things or people, I’ve become more and more lonely, not because I’m isolating myself but because I have grown out of my old world and the people in it. When I’ve reached a place of success and independence, I’ve felt both punished for it by people but I’ve also felt a sense of being without any guidance (the price of going your own way) – and it is such a foreign feeling and makes me feel anxious at times. When you are so used to being told what to do, what to be, what to think, feel or say, it’s hard to suddenly stand there without anyone pulling the strings, which are connected to your mind and body and makes you act exactly the way they want.
When I’ve been weak, I’ve been rewarded and comforted. I’ve had people taking care of me, supporting me through life. I got used to it. And I forgot that it is my responsibility, not theirs.
I am not a victim anymore. I am not helpless. I am not powerless. My mind doesn’t have a puppeteer. I no longer need to be what other people want me to be to them. No, correction; I no longer allow anyone to treat me like a puppet.
I’ve grown out of many truths, worlds, relationships and roles. As I am becoming more and more me and less what other people have demanded me to be, I feel both liberated and lonely. But I guess everything has a price. Even inner freedom.
I know my mind works on a very different frequency than most people. I know I am softer than most people, more open – and people refer me as “genuine” and I love that, and people seem to love it too – but it all makes me lonely because I don’t fit people’s expectations of me. Of me as an artist, as a woman, a Swede, a person of my age, or whatever. I am my own work in progress. I do things my way. I am weak at times and I am strong at times. I am not perfect but I’m not broken or bitter and that’s all that matters to me. I don’t need to be perfect and I don’t want to be perfect. I just want to be me. (I suddenly understand what Johnny meant with “just be Mia”).
I know that if I allow myself to grow out of this place of trauma recovery and healing and become independent and free – I will become even more lonely. But this time I am ready for it and I’ve accepted the deal.
Once I am ready, I’ll be reaching for the top. There is no other way to look when you’re at the bottom. That’s the good thing with being down there – you have time to figure out exactly where your top is and how to get there. Let’s call it the perks of being defeated by life.
I see my top and it has a spectacular view.
I’ve come to a very important place in my self-therapy work. I’ve found the root to all my traumas and emotional wounds, and it goes back to my early childhood (where every bad thing seems to be rooted for all of us). It’s all coming together now. I’ve disentangled the knots in my mind and unlocked my heart. And I’ve faced my demons and made friends with them (there is no point in trying to kill them off, it won’t work).Through meditation, my own therapy work, and a little help and support from other people – I’ve found clarity (awareness) and it has been the key to an acceptance that has led me to this new spiritual liberation.
I don’t feel the need to complain about my issues anymore. I can’t blame my misfortunes or suffering on others because I can see that I was part of them too. I allowed it to happen, I invited it into my life when I accepted the unacceptable, when I abandoned myself and when I gave permission to other people to treat me badly. I don’t hate my abusers, I don’t hate myself – hate has no place in my heart and it doesn’t serve any purpose in my life. I only need to hold on to the lessons I’ve earned from going through all this, and it will work as the guiding light on my continuing journey forward.
It should never be about what happens to us, it’s all about how we react to it – and what we learn from the experience. This insight will kill any form of victimization and unnecessary suffering. What we allow is what we’ll suffer. Acceptance is the key to the healing of a very old wound that’s been neglected for too long.
It’s been difficult for me to write anything lately because I’m going through so many different and wonderful processes at the same time. Processes are abstract and hard to define since they are in constant motion, sort of in the same way the sun is dancing across the waves of the ocean. It’s easier to describe a process after going through them. The abstractions are less abstract then and replaced by substance and meaning – and a new sense of clarity. Every day I’m experiencing self-empowerment and letting go of negativity and fear in both little things and in bigger ones. I’m focused on pleasure, happiness and strength – and it takes a lot of trial and error to change my thinking style and the way I’m accepting it.
I try not to fall back in old behavioral patterns, but it’s hard sometimes. I’m still struggling with the thoughts that I don’t deserve to be happy and loved. The manipulation is rooted deeply into my system.
Why wouldn’t I deserve to be happy and loved? Because it makes someone else feel bad about themselves? Because I am not good enough? Because I am in debt to the world? No theory makes sense, they’re all stupid. If I don’t deserve to be happy – who does? Someone who’s more ‘perfect’? Someone who doesn’t demand anything of other people? Someone who’s less fortune than myself? All this is also so silly.
I understand that I can’t just change my approach to happiness over night. It’s a process, like I described. I just have to accept that today I felt happy and loved and no one could ever take that away because I don’t allow people to punish me or shame me anymore. Happiness is a choice – an attitude of the mind. If I want to feel happy I will find a way to feel happy. And then I’ll actually be happy. That’s the best part of process of happiness.
I took the day off to rest. I’ve been working hard on the painting this week and I’m a little rusty – it’s been a long time since I was able to have this kind of deep focus. I get easily drained. But I am not complaining, I feel really happy. My mojo is working, I feel sexual and inhibited while painting, even though the painting is very controlled and well balanced. But there is so much happening inside me. At night I have these dreams where I’m finding new rooms in my house, rooms I didn’t know about. That’s how it feels like inside me right now. I’m finding new space to occupy. New land to conquer. More of me.
I’m letting go of all the bad energies, I’m not holding on to any anger, regret or bitterness. Perhaps that’s why I’m taking this painting in a new direction. The original theme was rage, but it’s just not there anymore. I’m trying out some new things, both in my technique and in the themes. I have such a big treasure chest of a private mythology now since all those years in therapy. The symbols of the mythology is slowly getting integrated in my art. It is really exciting. My new art is more personal. I feel naked, but in the best of ways.
I finally have a title for my new work – “The Core”, and I think it’s a transitional piece. Something that has both my past and my future in it. A new Era is coming and a new artistic language is emerging from my core. I’ll let it speak up. Loudly and proudly.