I woke up feeling stronger and more clear-minded today. Hopefully I am out of the anxiety for now (during my ovulation hormone storm and all – a double victory!). I will try to become more active and get out of my apartment more. Pathetic-behavior alert: yesterday I went to the mall and asked a salesperson some random questions just to have some kind of human and social interaction (!!). I wish I had more friends in this city. I miss Stockholm and my friends there. I’m turning into an isolated cave woman. I guess the cave is really a ‘shame cave’ because I’ve felt a lot of shame due to my health problems and the fact that I’m broke. I need to stop this behavior. Who cares if my body looks strange or if I don’t have any money? It’s almost expected of me as an artist anyway. It only adds to the freak status. So, I’m winning.
I’m having a good time with my secret writing project. It will take a long time to make but I feel like writing is the creative expression where I always get into that glorious flow. I’ve been writing almost every day for more than ten years now, and even though it’s been nothing more than blog posts about my inner journey or simple diary notes, it’s given me a lot of practice. In the book Outliers, author Malcolm Gladwell claims that it takes roughly ten thousand hours of practice to achieve mastery in a field. Well, I’ve got that covered.
My day has been all about rain and words. In the afternoon I suddenly felt anxious, so I redecorated my bedroom in hopes of a change of style – and mood. My PMS is here again. Perhaps that’s why I cried after I finished the 5th season of Girls. Or perhaps I cried because I think Lena Dunham is so damn talented. Her writing inspires me a lot. I think the 5th season was the best one yet. Can’t wait for the 6th and last season.
I’ve been resting in bed, reading, all night. I’m also studying the writing while reading it. The style. Rhythm. Flow. Effect. I’ve always been self taught in every creative area, this is the way I learn how to express myself; I study, ponder, turn the information into my own version of the techniques and styles – and ponder some more until I let it out in my creative process. Watching movies, reading books, studying art is how I shape my own artistic voice. They are my teachers. I learn fast, I observe well and I transform it to my own thing in a way that feels natural and intuitive. I will sleep soon, so that I can leave my anxious demons to rest. Bad hormones is like poison to an artist mind.
The weekends are so surreal. Two different continents melting into one. California and Sweden coming together. Like palm trees covered in snow. On each side of the lost hours between two different time zones, we create our own world. Mornings are covered in stars. Nightskies are colored in light blues. Hours of endless conversations. Laughter. Some words lost in translation. Others born out of absurd linguistic compromises that makes us both laugh.
Three poems by my boyfriend Johnny Hernandez:
I learn a lot from his work. That’s the good thing with having a writer boyfriend. I want to learn. At times I feel inadequate in my writing, because I haven’t read that much. I don’t know what’s good taste, bad – or if there are any rules to follow (or break). But thanks to our talks, I’m slowly learning. And I’m gonna start reading. Novels. Classics. And contemporary ones. Poetry. Movie scripts. And everything in between.
I stopped reading when I lived in the traumas. People told me I couldn’t write. That I wasn’t smart enough to read. That I had terrible taste so I shouldn’t bother. Manipulations will make you believe crap like that. Violence will enforce those lies. Even though I was the one with all the talent, I gave up writing. Reading. Until I forgot how much it meant to me
Now I’m reclaiming those things. My talent. And my intellect. I am looking forward to exploring it. And to get lost in the world of books again. I am eager to learn. Hungry for knowledge. Curious about what I can add to the world through my writing. I have so much I want to share with you. I just need to figure out how.