Category: ALL POSTS
Experimenting
Work in progress. I have no idea what I am doing and it’s an amazing feeling!
About pity party, love and worlds gone topsy turvy
From my notebook about the “friends” I invite to join my pity party
I’ve been struggling with anxiety for a few days. There are just so many things up in the air right now, so many important processes in motion. I feel like I don’t have the strength or energy to deal with all of it, simultaneously – but I have no other choice. And then I feel overwhelmed, lose my drive and host my own pity party (see video in my previous post) and end up with anxiety. The trick is to not let it get to you – just let the change happen without making any resistance. If you are ready to change or if you are forced to change to adjust to a new situation – then resistance won’t have any impact on the result anyway. But it makes you feel in control for a while.
The more I understand about myself, the more I am able to relate to other people and understand their behavior as well as my own. It isn’t always a good thing. Especially not when they don’t want to hear your brilliant insights or aren’t interested in changing in order to become better people. It is frustrating at times. A spiritual or mental awakening is the biggest thing that can happen to a person, but at the same time it can make you feel intellectually lonely and socially misplaced. I don’t have many friends because I find myself on a different frequency than most people, but the few friends I do have mean the world to me. We share a frequency and a deep understanding of the value of life. Many of my friends have survived traumas or some kind of betrayal.
And because life’s been difficult and painful for both Johnny and me, we share a deep connection based on gratitude and appreciation for what we are able to build together. That and mutual respect for each other’s weaknesses and strengths. I am not used to being in a relationship based on respect. It’s both such a great foundation for our relationship but also the most confusing thing. Where I am expecting an aggressive reaction – he’s kind and accepting, in times when I think he’s gonna judge me for something, he’s embracing it. And when I expect him to betray me, he’s just holding my hand through whatever I’m going through. It makes my whole world go topsy turvy. I am so used to the opposite reactions. To be judged, humiliated, ignored, punished or neglected. The love I feel from Johnny restores all the broken pieces of my poor little heart. I am so grateful.
I just have to get through this time of anxiety and worries without losing any momentum. I’ve worked too hard for this. I can’t let anything come in between me and my will to live my life as I am destined to live it and not as people expect me to live it. This is the process of independence and it’s scary as hell. And I love it.
The Secret of Becoming Mentally Strong | Amy Morin
❤ Stop hosting your own pity party!
Winds of change and understanding
It’s been a windy week. I love the wind. It’s fresh and always moving in a clear direction. I like the energy of the determined movement. I’m spending the weekend thinking about my art and writing lists and notes about what digital art/painting really mean to me. I’ve found some surprising answers.
During the years of trauma treatment, I understood how I’ve been separating myself from the girl I use to be in the destructive relationships (the victim, the submissive Lolita, the sacrificing girlfriend etc). It’s like I’m doing the same separation in my art as well; I use my paintings to give the trauma a voice, and my digital art is more an expression of who I really am – a reflection of my dreams, fears and desires. My paintings is a collection of portraits of my demons, rage and pain. I make it all visible to be able to let it go.
This realization makes me look at my art and my creativity in a new way. I can see how I can use the two artistic expressions to tell a complete story – the story about myself. I use to believe that my paintings were my main artistic expression, but now I see that I can express more through my digital art but the raw core expressions comes out through my paintings. I guess I’ve been kind of conservative in the way I’ve been judging “physical” works as an art form with a higher value than digital works. What kind of a pioneer am I if I think like that? I have to be a warrior and to stand up for the digital art to make it as accepted as painting in the art world. When my friend and digital artist Joe Myers was still alive – we were planning to revolutionize the art world with a “digi wave”. I guess I owe it to him to go on fighting for the integrity and acceptance of the digital art.
These wild winds have brought me clarity. I feel like I can breathe again, without inhaling the haunting self doubt.
A change of heart
Selfie, 2011
Everything feels a bit off and weird right now. I can sense a change coming. Another one. I can feel it. This time, the change is coming to me, I’m not forcing any processes to happen – it’s not coming from me. It makes me feel a bit lost. At times, I forget that I’m on this inner journey – I find a new level of my own consciousness and I feel awakened, like that’s the new reality for me to live in. But then, another breakthrough happens. I get these powerful realizations. Insights. The misfit pieces, suddenly have found the right places in me. Things that used to make me confused, suddenly makes more sense. I connect the dots. I see the bigger picture. Or I spot the lost and forgotten details, which are so crucial when it comes to understanding the bigger picture. This happened to me this week. Twice.
And here I am, not knowing what to do with what I found in myself this week. It is both liberating and also fucking scary, because this realization kind of forces me to change course in my art. I was NOT expecting that. I’ve been going with this ‘finding my way back to my art and the wonderful juices of creativity’ mantra for a couple of years now – and I thought I was in a steady place. In a place where neither doubt or a change of heart, could ever touch me. Boy, was I wrong.
The meeting with Mats Tusenfot and talking about the purpose of creativity inspired many new thoughts about my own art. I heard myself tell him (with no insecurity at all): “My digital art is my most true artistic expression, painting has too many limitations, digital art is where I can say what I want to say.” What the hell was I saying – why did I say it? Did I really mean it? Ever since I was 15 years old I’ve been painting and it’s been such a big part of my identity. That was how I started out as a young artist, I was a painter, and that is the core of my creativity and my artistic voice – isn’t it? My artistic voice is made out of colors in tubes, the smell of canvas, charcoal dust – it is not speaking in a binary language translated into hi res images and textures of clouds, waves and grungy walls in a folder on my computer, right? This is very confusing to me. Is my love for painting not the same thing as what I should be doing as an artist? Is my love for digital art forbidden and cheap?
“Scrollan” by Mia Makila, 2009, acrylic on canvas
“Phantom” by Mia Makila, 2011, digital
I need to figure these things out. And even if I feel a little lost and even if change can be a scary thing – I am not scared. The only thing I am certain of is that this is a time for a change that will lead to something lasting and steady. When it’s over, I will not have to struggle with self-doubt anymore and I won’t feel like I don’t know what my true artistic expression is. It is time to figure it out, once and for all. When I think about it – I’m not at all lost right now – I think all these uncomfortable questions is a result of me taking control of every area of my life, including these sensitive matters. Because now, I am ready to explore who I really am as an artist. I know who I’ve been, I know who I became when I lost my way, I know what I am made of and what I’m capable of – but I still need to find out what my art really is about, so I can become everything I was born to be – and do what I was born to do. To be able to fulfill my life’s purpose. What a great journey I’m on. I am on my way.
I am on MY way.
Selfie in my studio, 2009
Spending the day with my artist friend Mats Tusenfot
Digital art by Mats Tusenfot
I’ve spent an amazing afternoon with my artist friend Mats Tusenfot (Mats Centipede) today. We are talking about making an art show together, somewhere, someday. It just feels like the most natural thing since our art is a little related, not only because of the digital media. I feel so inspired and full of energy! I don’t know many Swedish artists and I certainly don’t know many digital artists, so for me it’s important and wonderful to meet other digital artists who are familiar with my world and all the little details inside it (like hi res images of cocks, fruit, nipples, dead animals etc). Mats is a very inspiring artist with a lot of integrity and a clear layer of philosophy wrapped around his artistry (like the rings of Saturn) – something that really challenges my own way of looking at creativity and its purpose. I love that. It’s beautiful. And refreshing.
With my friend and digital artist Mats Tusenfot.
Photos from today
Beethoven – Symphony No 1 in C major, Op 21 – Thielemann
A moving vacuum
Life is moving forward yet standing very still right now. It’s like a moving vacuum. I feel so restless. I have so much to do but my health won’t allow it – and at the same time I’m just waiting for things to happen. I’m waiting for my love to come here in a month. I’m waiting for sex. I’m waiting for a new job opportunity. For my health to get better so I can paint again. I’m waiting for any news about what’s happened to Domenique. Waiting and patience are not my best qualities. Underneath it all, I’m still waiting for my own wounds to heal better so they won’t bleed as soon as they are triggered. I’ve moved passed and beyond so many difficult things and I feel stronger than ever – but I’m still fragile and it’s still easy for me to be sucked back into old behavioral patterns. But at least I’m fighting it, overcoming each time it happens with grace and acceptance. I won’t ever give in to what feels familiar but destructive. It would be so easy to do, but at the same time it would be the biggest mistake and would ruin everything I’ve worked so hard for, for the last 3 years, it is simply too overwhelming to go there. It keeps me motivated to withstand the momentarily urges to fuck up my life again. Instead I’m protecting the good things I have. I’m practicing gratitude. Self respect. I’m staying on my path. Even though on bad days, I’m reminded of how attracted I’ve been to drama and the feeling of unworthiness. The trick is to just keep moving forward and never look back at the familiarity of the alluring self sabotage. The word in itself is a warning. I’d rather go through periods of vacuum and waiting than to surrender to anything that feels like the places I’ve been to before.
Mozart – Violin Sonata No. 32, B flat Major, K.454
Ella Fitzgerald – Into Each Life Some Rain Must Fall
The fool
It’s been raining on and off for days now and I’ve been feeling a little low because of the monthly hormones. I’ve been thinking a lot about where I am going. I’ve never been comfortable with the whimsical nature of the unknown. I always try to tame it, like if it’s a beast, by planning, thinking, dreaming and working hard to achieve something – anything to keep the void of the unknown from getting any closer. The future is my canvas to fill with my own texture, paint and light, but it’s just that the canvas keep changing shape, so my planned brush strokes sometimes miss its target and I end up painting outside the lines where the colors fade with the nothingness underneath. It is quite impossible to tame the unknown, but I’m always willing to try. At least I have ambitions. I want to live my life without any limitations. To use everything I am in all my achievements. To never stop dreaming. I want to fulfill my life’s purpose. To love and to be loved – all the way. I want to make love without any inhibitions. I want to overcome every fear standing in the way of my curiosity. I want to overcome all the symptoms of PTSD – and to never have anxiety or panic attacks again. I know that through hard work and the right focus, I’ll be able to achieve some of these things, others will just happen naturally without my interference, because that’s how life works – and some of these things will remain a dream and a dream only because you can’t get everything you wish for. I accept that.
Photo of my used napkins after crying so much, 2013
I’ve wasted too many years on the wrong things. On people who never deserved my time, love or ambition. On worrying. On being insecure and scared. I’ve wasted tears, heartache, headaches, for nothing. It wasn’t even important. It was just stupid and made no sense at all. I’ve been afraid to shine my light and to be who I am because I’ve been scared of being punished for it. To make other people feel uncomfortable around my rawness of strength, power and confidence. But now I’m feeling sad that some people can’t tolerate other people’s strength because it triggers their own inferiority. I wish they could be stronger than that, I wish they could let go of their insecurities and embrace themselves for who they really are. They would shine too. We all have that wonderful rawness inside. I could never go back to how things were. I could never accept being treated disrespectfully or to have my heart and head filled with darkness – a darkness which doesn’t even belong to me. I’m done being forced to carry other people’s darkness and hatred. I don’t deserve that. I never did. No ones does.
I’ve been such a fool throughout my adult life, not because I am stupid but because I’ve tolerated to be treated like one. That will never happen again. I’m only a fool for trying to tame the unknown, and I like that foolishness. It is a driving force. A foolish one perhaps, but it keeps me moving forward no matter what.
Work in progress
I’m totally stuck right now. I don’t know where to take this from here. But I am not giving up.
Den röda äggulan
Jag kokar ägg
sex minuter
mjuk gula
inuti
stöter kroppen bort
mina egna äggDin längtan
ger dålig
eftersmak
när gulan rinner
ur mitt kön
med lättnadEn navelsträng
förbinder mig
med naturen
jag är djuret
en beige kontur
med morrhårJag äcklas
av tanken
när sköra armar
växer sig långa
naglar
river
min röda insidaEn spricka
i min kropps
verklighet
drar mig sönder
trasar bort
allt som är rent
skriker som fanFörbjuden rädsla
magen sjuder
av skam
skakar ut
sädesvätska
i panik
fostervattnet
läcker ut
ur tankenÄr jag en kvinna
eller ett barn
blöder svar
varje månad
droppar
ett språk
av smärta
och järn– MIA MAKILA 2016
Mellanrummet
Ett rum av kaninpäls
mellan oceanen
och tystnaden
solen biter sig fast
i din blickUpplöst i ånga
tungans muskler
drar mig innåt
din mittpunkt
mopeder ligger som lik
framför sommarenMåndagsräkor
med frostskador
varma ådror blinkar
längs Broadway
Bambi i ett blått kuvert
är en bombFaller som torn
dundrar ned bland dun
silvertrådar
mellan mina fingrar
tappar tyg
och verklighetEn tårtbit av liv
saknas
doften av min tid
pioner som dör
luckor av oupplevda
dagarFastnar som vibrationer
i en ovanlig frekvens– Mia Makila 2016
Work in progress
The beginning of something really weird and wonderful.
Artistic regret
I had to make a difficult decision this week. My internship at the gallery wasn’t working out as I’d expected, so I had to leave that opportunity behind. I don’t know what will happen to my financial situation and there’s a lot of things up in the air right now, it makes me feel stressed, but everything will be fine in the end. I just know it. And for the first time ever, I trust my instincts and my gut feeling without second guessing it. It’s an important progress. Since I’ll have more time to myself now, I’ll be focusing more on my painting.
My latest digital piece – The Bones of Rape is a step closer to the expression of my paintings. It’s always been a clear distinction between my digital art and my physical works, but I sense a future emerging of the two. It excites me. I’m so much raw and direct in my artistic expression now than just a few years ago. You can see the artistic evolution in the three works below (of characters in the same position):
The Bones of Rape, 2016
Lucy Pevensie (Narnia), 2012
When I look back on my career and evaluate the work I’ve done so far, I can see how it was a mistake to let go of the horror genre in 2012 to join the Popsurrealists. I regret the big-eyes-large-head mannerism because it’s a style rather than a true artistic expression. I am not interested in a cute style – I am looking for something more authentic and real, like a core expression. I don’t see myself as a cute person or as an artist focused solely on the balance of innocence and light horror, but an artist who’s digging in her own dirt to find raw beauty buried underneath. I’m exploring vulnerability, primitive emotions and what trauma looks like when it’s exposed in the light instead of being stuck in the dark. My work is part of my personal healing and my creativity is a tool in my trauma recovery – and it would be a crime for me as an artist to be cute about serious matters like that. I often use humor in my work, to deal with heavy topics because too much of the dark expression and it gets lost in the darkness, the viewer must be able to breathe and have an element of escaping the heaviness – but it’s not appropriate to be cute about it. The cutesy stuff makes the core expression look insecure. Why not go all the way? Why hold back? I love Popsurrealism but it’s not the home for bold artistic expressions as much as it’s the home for “horror light” – which is fine if you don’t want to dig into the rawness of the mind and soul. Then you have to step beyond the boundaries of the “creepy-cute” and prepare yourself to find some pretty disturbing artistic expressions. And that’s where I feel at home and yet on terribly unknown territory. I love that feeling.
One of my horror collages “Mystery of Death” and one of my Popsurrealistic digital pieces “Happy Day”:
The Mystery of Death, 2006
Happy Day, 2012
“THE BONES OF RAPE” BY MIA MAKILA
“THE BONES OF RAPE” BY MIA MAKILA, 2016 [digital]
Detail studies:
The anatomy of a broken sexuality. Rape is a complete murder when it comes to the victim’s spirit and sexuality, but yet it’s treated by our laws as if it’s a minor crime. Rape is not only a violent attack, rape can be many things – even having sex with your partner when you don’t feel like it but that is ignored or when a ‘no’ is not enough for someone to leave your body alone. This piece was difficult to make, but it felt important.
Constant little awakenings
It’s a time of constant little awakenings. I’m discovering more and more of myself and my strength and qualities. It’s an incredible experience but at the same time it makes me feel restless and a little disgusted by how I’ve ignored all that throughout my whole adult life. I have so much to make up for – so much to explore. And I’ve never had any talent for patience. Or for holding back when I feel passionate about something. I feel uncomfortable by the slow speed of the necessary steps I’m taking in order to come back as a full time artist. I want too much too fast at times. But all and all I take this restlessness as a positive sign of recovery and healing. I just have so much I want to do! I want to make money on my art again. I want Johnny to come here to live with me. I want to put together amazing art shows. I want to invest money in new art projects. I want to collaborate with other artists. I want to write books. Hold lectures about trauma and sexuality. I want to create magic in everything I do.
I just need the money.
The lack of it is the only broken piece of my life that is left from my past. I want to feel the triumph of getting rid of the only dirty leftover from my past. I’m so close to being independent, strong and successful now. So close.
My sister
Today I have spent an amazing day with my ‘sister’. We have been best friends for 22 years but ever since she moved away, all across the Atlantic Ocean, I only get to see her once a year. I’m very grateful for having my Nanci. ❤
This:
“Expressioner”
I don’t like the label “artist” – I want to be known as an “expressioner” (uttryckare) because I am expressing myself in all kinds of way, in pictures and in writing.
“Roberta” by Mia Makila, 2009 (photography)
MAX BRUCH – “Scottish Fantasy”, Orchestra and Violin, Op. 46 – Heifetz/Sargent/New London Symphony
One of my favorite pieces
Barbara – La Solitude
Innanför
Regnet piskar vilt mot rutorna. Jag har färgat håret, det är fortfarande vått och doftar rött. Det är något av en dov stämning över den här dagen. Och tidigare gick åskan som om hela himlen sprack och gick sönder. Ovädret tynger ned mig i soffan. Men det är skönt. Min kropp är varm.
Kan inte låta bli att störa mig på den spruckna tapeten på väggen. Men det är inte tapeten i sig som stör, jag bryr mig inte, det är känslan av att vilja komma under tapeten på själva livet. Vill skrapa med naglarna i den sköra sprickan och hitta in till det som döljer sig bakom. Det läcker in kåda bakom tapeten. Som sirap. Vill slicka i mig livets sav. Jag blundar. Det droppar som honung över mina läppar. Fast jag bara inbillar mig förstås. Känner hur varje droppe kletar sig fast för någon sekund och rinner sedan i slowmotion längs mina kinder. Huden är lika elektrisk som himlen utanför. Det sprakar om tystnaden. Molnen skingras och växer sig mörka om vartannat. Ljusspel överallt. Tapeten vidöppen. Det som finns innanför är magnetiskt och oförklarligt. Jag dras in. Lite i taget. Tårna. Det kittlar. Mina ben. Huden är alldeles knottrig nu. Knäskålarna. Jag försvinner in. Höfterna. Drar efter andan. Magen. Brösten. Hela jag.
Som timmar på en Söndagsmorgon försvinner jag längre in. Är fullkomligt dränkt i den sega kådan. Liknar långsam mjölk. Jag är upplöst. Finns bara i mitt eget medvetande. Mina andetag är min kropp just nu. Jag klär mig i gåtor. I vind. I brus. Min tunga rör vid andra sidan. En liten stöt. Jag smälter sakta in i någon slags vävnad. Tunna lager av verkligheten skiftar ljus, precis som molnen långt utanför mig själv. Tränger in i det innersta. Utspädd med allt och ändå ingenting. Virvlar ut som rök. Växer. Jag är tapeten. Tungan innanför. Livet. Jag väntar på nästa andetag.
Nu har det slutat att regna.
MIA MAKILA 