Six feet above

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Another creativity hangover. I’m exhausted and need some rest. I’m so into Six Feet Under right now. It’s one of my favorite TV series to revisit. The theme of Death goes perfectly in line with the recent contemplation about my own mortality. The timing of this obscure theme is not too odd – since the only view from the windows of my apartment is of the old cemetery across the street.

When I think about my existence  – my own life, I feel deeply moved. I am grateful for the love I have in my life. For the people who appreciate my inner worlds and want to be part of them. I have lost many things in my life, loss has been haunting me since I moved out from home as a teenager. But in each and every loss, I have found something really important in its void. Underneath the surface. I’m not saying I am happy it happened, but I wouldn’t be who I am today if it wasn’t for the things I found when something was taken from me. The more I’ve been mentally and emotionally stripped away by other people, the more naked and real I have become to myself. And that is priceless. The more they took from me, the more I found within myself. It’s not important what they took – it’s all about what I was able to achieve in spite of their greed and selfishness. Nobody can ever take THAT away from me.

It’s ironic – when I first met the abusive man I was only 18 and wrote this little poem to him: “Out of the sweetness of our innocence, we will rise and find our true selves.” – he stole my sense of innocence and because of that I have been forced to make a long and painful journey to the person I am today. Above and beyond all the crap he put me through. I am not buried underneath the traumas anymore. I have climbed at least six feet above it – where the view is absolutely spectacular.

So, I am grateful for how my life turned out. Even though it’s been stained with so much pain and grief. But I use the stains in my art – they are important to my artistic expression. The day when they’ll finally bury me six feet under, those stains will still hang on other people’s walls and be cherished and loved – so in a way it all worked out fine.

Skamligaste vrån

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“Doris and the Dildo” – Mia Makila, 2013

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En väl dold dildo
Vibrerar ensam i moll
Under resemagasinen
Med hundöron
vikta ur dagdrömmens rus
Under den prisbelönta handkrämen
Som doftar jojoba
Och lögn
I nattduksbordets roligste vrå
av vibrerande skam
Och längtan

MM- 16

Sad stuff from the time I couldn’t make art

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Drawing from 2013

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FROM MY DIARY:

September 10th 2013

“Dear art.

Where have you gone? I miss you so much. We are one. You are me – and I am you. You are my voice and my best friend. You helped me when I needed it the most and you pushed me out of the big depression in 2008, I know it was all your doing and I am so grateful. But lately, I’ve been having all kinds of new feelings towards life, myself and – you. So we could start over, forget about depressions and gloomy things and just go nuts, what do you say?”

January 4th 2014

“My darling, it’s silly that we should avoid each other like this. I know things have been very awkward and painful between us for a long time – but I’ve never lost my hope about us. Remember the magic we created together? All that glorious beauty and powerful statements? I think about all the times we pushed paint around on the canvas together. A thousand shades of pink. Baby blues. Mars Black. And the warm flowing colors of fire. I feel curious about how it would be like to meet somewhere again. We have both changed I’m sure. We are older, wiser, survived great pains and passions that have carved our characters into new shapes and temperament. I long for you. I miss you. And I miss us. Will you connect with me once more, if I asked you? I know we still got it. I can feel it within myself, the sparks and fireworks when we connect. I am here for you, waiting for you, as I have been for many years. I will be in my studio tomorrow. If you come to me, I will love you for as long as you need me. Let’s tell our stories. Come to me my love. Tomorrow.”

May 30th 2014

“Dear art.

Its been a while since I wrote a letter to you. But this time I have something important to tell you. I can see how I have forced myself upon you, how I’ve tried to use to just to make money and how brutally I have treated you because I’ve been too stubborn and my ego is too big. I know I’ve been hating you, even wanting us to part forever. I’ve used my frustration to push you away because the pain has been unbearable at times.

I hope to hear from you soon.

/Mia”

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Can you now understand how wonderful it is for me to finally be able to unleash all the creativity I have inside me?

7 years later.

Ballongmage

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Min mage är full av ballonger

Andra kallar det idéer

De föds ur någon blåsa där inne

Och svullnar söligt utåt

En ömtålig rosa hinna

Skyddar en osynlig kraft

Som vill flyga

Utan tyngd eller tvivel

Bubblar upp

Likt kolsyrade drömmar

Lämnar min kropp med ett brus

För ett jäkla väsen sen

När ballongerna brister

Ut i sång

MM – 16

O-tur

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Jag har ofta otur

Men egentligen

är otur bara tur med ett O

O-tur

Kanske är det så

Att otur är som att vara oskuld

Kanske är min otur en fas

En tidsfråga?

Innan jag blir av med O:et

På det mest härliga vis

Om jag har tur

Alltså

MM – 16

 

Poesilös dikt

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jag kan inte skriva dikter
ändå skriver jag
fast det rimmar illa

jag kan inte leva
ändå lever jag
mer än jag borde

.
jag klär inte i lycka
ändå är jag lycklig
när ingen ser

.
jag vet inget om kärlek
ändå vet jag mer om kärlek
än om någon annan lek
 .
 .
men det jag är bra på är:
.
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tankekrusidull, hjärtsnörp
och ballongmage
 .
MM – 16

How my love for movies has influenced my art

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Instagram photo from 2013

Instagram photo from 2013

I love film. I love TV-series. Perhaps even more than I love art – or maybe art is such a natural part of me that I can’t measure the passion in a fair way. But I would say that movies is my biggest passion in life. I usually watch at least 2 movies every day and binge watch TV series as well. I never watch regular TV. My favorite movie directors – Bergman, Lynch, Hitchcock, Allen, Gilliam, Von Trier, Burton, Fincher, Nichols, Cukor and Polanski have all inspired my work in some way or another.

MULHOLLAND DRIVE by David Lynch [2001]

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“The Crash” by Mia Makila, 2012 [digital]

THE PIANO by Jane Campion [1993]

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“That Little Girl In ‘The Piano’ Movie Just Wet Herself In Between Takes In 1993” by Mia Makila, 2008 [acrylics on cardboard]

Narnia [2005]

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“Lucy Pevensie” by Mia Makila, 2012 [digital] inspired by the main character from the 2005 fantasy movie “Narnia”

WILD AT HEART by David Lynch [1990]

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Wild at Heart

“Wild at Heart” by Mia Makila, 2012 [digital]

FANNY AND ALEXANDER by Ingmar Bergman [1982]

“Fanny And Alexander” by Mia Makila, mixed media on paper, 2012
The original poster for Ingmar Bergman’s last feature film “Fanny And Alexander”,1982 (I own one of these and keep it in my bedroom)

THE BIRDS by Alfred Hitchcock [1963]

“Bird Lady” by Mia Makila, 2008 [digital]
“Under Attack” by Mia Makila, 2007 [digital]

Old black and white movies

“Out of the Nothing Box” by Mia Makila, 2014
“NOT A PHALLUS” BY MIA MAKILA – 2015 (DIGITAL) Edition of 5, 40 x 44 cm, PRICE: 7500 SEK
“Envy” by Mia Makila, 2013 [digital)
“The Strange Girl” by Mia Makila, 2007 [digital]
“The Gathering” by Mia Makila, 2007 [digital]

And my favorite movies of all time? Well, it has to be “12 Monkeys” by Terry Gilliam, “Fanny and Alexander” by Ingmar Bergman,”The Game” by David Fincher, “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolf?” by Mike Nichols and “Melancholia” by Lars Von Trier.

A heart translated

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giphy

So I am currently working on the new painting, a digital piece, making drawings and sketches for future projects – and creating video montages for the blog. The flow of creativity is here. It’s really here. I feel unleashed and liberated. But it’s not something dramatic, it just feels natural. This is who I am. This is what I was born to do. The purpose of my existence. It’s just part of nature, both mine and the nature outside myself. It’s my legacy to the world, which feels important to me since I am not interested in having any children.

Making art, being creative, is the act of translating the human heart and everything it inhabits. Its red rooms, the cemetery of memories and dead love, the rawness of pain, the delicate sensitivity – the glowing galaxies of its desire. Everything that comes without a language. Wordless worlds. It’s my job to make sense of it all.

The land shark

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missing

An overcast morning. Grey shadows stretched out across the floor. My inside gravitating towards the ocean. A love story unfolding beyond the depth of the distance. Standing still, yet moving forward. Always.

J calls me a ‘land shark’ because just like a shark, I need to be in constant movement forward or I would probably die. But I do it on land. And the waves are happening inside my mind and heart – a soothing stream of fantasies and feelings, going back and forth, slowly shaping my artistic expressions.

landshark

When I am standing still without any sign of movement at all, I suffocate and wither from within. I just can’t get too comfortable; I need to swim in the deep waters of the unknown instead of the familiarity of the bowl. Yet, the unknown terrifies me. The engines of my creativity is without a doubt both my desire and my fear. It’s all very primal. Sexual energy mixed with horror. Light and dark. Good and bad. Life and Death. Fantasy and reality. Fertility and mortality. Extremes. In juxtapositions. Always having fun together. Always coming together as one single energy. In the experience of a human life.

I am starting to detach myself from my older collections or artworks. They are me, but more like they were me. I have so much more clarity now. I am more present. I am more honest. Raw. Yet delicate in the details I choose to explore. Intricate details. Like symbols. Everything is charged with my personal mythology. Explosive. I am so much more confident in the storytelling. I am choreographing the colors instead of letting the spontaneous choices rule the painting process. I am experiencing more balance in the composition, the color palette and the expression this time. It is really exciting.

I will continue to swim on land later today, with my paintbrushes and the water that is like the blood in my paintings – the water that is the distance between me and the man I love.

A new direction

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I took the day off to rest. I’ve been working hard on the painting this week and I’m a little rusty – it’s been a long time since I was able to have this kind of deep focus. I get easily drained. But I am not complaining,  I feel really happy. My mojo is working, I feel sexual and inhibited while painting, even though the painting is very controlled and well balanced. But there is so much happening inside me. At night I have these dreams where I’m finding new rooms in my house,  rooms I didn’t know about.  That’s how it feels like inside me right now. I’m finding new space to occupy. New land to conquer. More of me.

I’m letting go of all the bad energies, I’m not holding on to any anger, regret or bitterness. Perhaps that’s why I’m taking this painting in a new direction. The original theme was rage, but it’s just not there anymore. I’m trying out some new things, both in my technique and in the themes. I have such a big treasure chest of a private mythology now since all those years in therapy. The symbols of the mythology is slowly getting integrated in my art. It is really exciting. My new art is more personal. I feel naked, but in the best of ways.

I finally have a title for my new work – “The Core”, and I think it’s a transitional piece. Something that has both my past and my future in it. A new Era is coming and a new artistic language is emerging from my core. I’ll let it speak up. Loudly and proudly.

Inside my box of cut outs

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Here is a photo of my box of paper cut outs from 2008. I collected these vintage cut outs that I found in old books and magazines and used them in my mixed media collages that I made during the years 2006-2009. I used to buy erotica, porn magazines from the 1960’s, science books, art books etc and totally destroyed them with my scissor and created a new context for them in my art. It was a fun creative process, totally freudian and surreal.

A video from 2007 where I show how I used to play with these cut outs in my art.

 

Some of my mixed media pieces from 2006-2009:

The Mystery of Death
My Hell
It’s All In My Head
City Of The Dancing Angels
Some Kind of Paradise
Closer to Paradise
Semi-Paradise
Carnivale
The Golden Arch
Papa’s Voice
The Beautiful Chaos
The Remains I & II
All About Women