Tag: ART

I killed Lolita

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Today’s selfie.

The working title for the new collection of paintings is at the moment “I killed Lolita”. It’s referring to myself and the way I used to make myself submissive to my past lovers and how I belittled myself as a sexual being – and as a person in general. My very first blog [2005] was called “Little Mia”. This collection of new artworks I’m currently working on is not a ‘revenge’ thing nor an expression of a victim, but simply me returning all the crap people put on me that never belonged to me in the first place. Their judgment, sexual perversions, their dark energy, mind games, power fixation, hate, humiliation and neglect. I don’t want it. I’m getting rid of it. And I’m turning the ugly things into beautiful art. THAT is to really overcome a trauma; to reclaim everything that was ever lost or stolen from me – and turning it into something spectacular. Perhaps even turn it into magic, we’ll see when the collection is finished.

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A Lolita sketch from 2010, I never finished it. The time wasn’t right. NOW it’s time to kill her.

Blog post from 2013.

I even wrote about this Lolita murder process on my old blog. 3 years later it’s finally happening. I guess I am going all in. Facing it all. Letting Lolita out to play and have fun with all the humiliation other people made her go through – hence the titles of my recent paintings: “Sperm Wounds” and “His Wet Dream” and I’m working on “Bleeding Nipples” right now.

“His Wet Dream” by Mia Makila (acrylic on wooden panel), 2015

It’s time for me to explore my inner Lolita. To find her weak spots, her power and strength – and why she’s been with me for so many years. I don’t want to portray her as a flat cardboard version of a blow up doll or simply make her into a victim. Like everything about me, there’s a lot of contradictions here; she’s seductive and that is to be in control – but then she is OK with being forced into a submissive position – why? I have a lot to explore. This will be a fun and important collection of works. I will try to make it my best one yet. And for the first time, I have a little distance to my Lolita. I’m breaking free from her and it feels amazing.

I need to kill Lolita – and  my art is my weapon of choice.

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Me, Lolita style, 2009.

The stories behind my art: “My Secret Lover”

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Untitled work, 2008

Untitled work, 2008

It happens that I never finish my digital pieces. I don’t know why, perhaps they’re lacking a good composition, or the storytelling doesn’t work. But sometimes I steal one or two details from the unfinished works and put them in a different context and then everything just works. They come alive. This is what happened with ‘My Secret Lover’ [2012]. It was originally part of this chaotic composition [above]. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking while I was making it, but it just didn’t work out. It’s too busy, too cluttered and the story doesn’t make sense at all.  A giant Pinocchio wedding cake with bugs, Batman, toy soldiers, cocks in the sky, eyeballs and some strippers?  What was I thinking?

So I stole the stripper with purple hair riding the tin chicken [placed in middle/right area of the piece] and put her in a much more serene space. And it worked.

"My Secret Lover" by Mia Makila, 2012

“My Secret Lover” by Mia Makila, 2012

Here it is, framed, hanging on a buyer’s wall:

"My Secret Lover"

“My Secret Lover”

Why I think NASA is sexy

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Photo by NASA

Photo by NASA

 

I’m watching the 2014 documentary “The Last Man on the Moon” about Apollo astronaut Eugene Cernan who stepped off the moon in 1972 leaving his footprints and his daughter’s initials in the lunar dust.  It is a powerful story and I have tears in my eyes. There’s a strong connection between art and science – both equally curious about finding and exploring the boundaries of life and reality. Artists and scientists have worked closely together for hundreds  of years,  especially before the camera was invented. The artists illuminated the microcosmic worlds found by the scientists and illustrated their understanding of plants, human anatomy, geography, astronomy and the animal kingdom.

Photo by NASA

I’m really in awe of science at times. Especially all of the NASA projects makes my mind have goosebumps all over. It actually makes my mind feel wet and aroused. Not only do they produce mind-blowing photographs of the galaxies of our Universe which are more amazing than any art I could ever imagine, – and pushes the limits of what’s possible to achieve, NASA is, according to me, expressing the highest form of human curiosity. And that’s fucking hot. That’s what motivates lovers too. Curiosity. A need to explore, to go beyond any familiar limits or restraints, to reach a higher level of consciousness – and the uncompromised assertiveness to follow a desire. NASA is listening to the heartbeats of Space. Penetrating deeper within the unexplored. Blazing across the sky. Flames. Fire. Explosions. Roaring. lift off.  Going higher. Higher. Vibrations. Unfolding. Silence. Stillness. Darkness. Light. Orbiting. Gravity. No gravity. Breaths. Tumbling. Faster. Faster. a timeless time. Taming the unknown. Devouring. Touchdown. Exploring density. Depth. Landscapes. The surface. And the hidden worlds underneath. Textures. Colors. Footprints on new territories. Wanting to be the first. To go deeper. Further. Beyond. Trembling with fear. Anticipation. To change the consciousness. Expanding. Open. Wide open. Secrets revealed. Absorbing every moment. Appreciation. Love. Home. But deep into another world.

There are many similarities between NASA and a lover. But perhaps the most significant thing they have in common is the need to risk it all to be able to find a sense of belonging in a place, far, far away from everything they have ever known. A home away from home.

“Painiverse” – My space suite [2013]

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Selfie from 2013 – in the process of making the tough decision to let my life fall apart in order to unchain myself from my past

Before I made the decision to break free from the chains of my past and to leave my whole life behind to be able to start over in a new place – I was dealing with the heavy weight of this decision in a suite of digital images of Space, void, loneliness, distance and isolation – but also with a slow movement through the darkness – orbiting a core – the gravity of freedom.

“LOVERS LOST IN SPACE” by Mia Makila – digital
“SUCTION” by Mia Makila – digital
“ATTRACTION” by Mia Makila – digital

From my diary 2015:

The view from the top floor is nothing but a white sky. It’s too cloudy for me to be able to see beyond the whiteness. But there is a black stain somewhere in the white. I look closer. Now I can see that it is the smallest Universe. Space. Darker than anything I have ever seen. I realize that this little micro Universe is my pain. An old pain, it doesn’t exist anymore – and now it’s a memory in the shape of fear.

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I suddenly understand that inside this dark Universe is everything I have ever known about myself. About life. About love. Pleasure. Happiness. It is so tiny – but when I am floating around in it – it feels infinite. Once I am inside it, it is a closed world, it becomes my everything and I become the only detail inside it. I can’t see that the world outside is infinite, and that I’m just swallowed up by a ridiculous little stain – insignificant even though it’s packed with pain. Once I am consumed with this world, swallowed up by it and reconciled with the pain, I feel free.

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It’s just me and the dark void. Nothing else. I let go of any resistance. I let it take me deeper inside. I am so lost – but I feel part of something familiar and absolute. There is nothing but me and the familiarity of the darkness. Nothing can hurt me here. Because I am already floating through the pain or the memory of it.

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It is my ‘Painiverse’.

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Photos from a walk in the moonlight, a week after the break up 2014

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The time right after my decision to break free, my life started to fall apart in the most wonderful way,  and my digital art changed as well – the planets grew smaller and turned into important details in a new mythology that mirrored my new life. Here are works from 2014:

“The Taste of Time and Paranoia” (digital)
“NOT A PHALLUS” BY MIA MAKILA – 2015 (DIGITAL) Edition of 5, 40 x 44 cm, PRICE: 7500 SEK
Out of the Nothing Box (detail)
Out of the Nothing Box (digital)

I’m staring right into the eyes of death. Or love. Whatever. That’s when I feel your bullets hit me right in the heart. Bullets of fire. I can’t breathe. I don’t want to.
I can feel how everything is destroyed. Or saved. Or whatever. Blackbirds, blood moons, lion breaths, rotten flower beds – like fireworks above it all. Exploding within and inside.

And I realize – I don’t know the difference between love and a beautiful murder. – MIA MAKILA, 2014

One step at a time

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My very first day at the gallery was amazing. I really need this right now. To be part of the world outside my own studio again. I’m sure this will inspire my work as well.

But I’m worried about my new collection of paintings. The painting process is so much slower than I first expected. It’s not that easy to build a whole new life for myself, to improve my self-esteem, overcome PTSD and trauma, while starting a new serious long distance relationship – and at the same creating a new body of work to restore my art career. I have to give it more time. I understand that. But with this speed of the painting process, I won’t be able to promote a new collection of artworks in at least 1-2 years. So far, I have three paintings and maybe 15 digital pieces to show. But my goal is to produce 10-15 paintings for the next show, that I’ll probably make in my hometown or in Stockholm.

When I’ll get more used to this new routine of working in the gallery, I’m sure I’ll find a way to balance the creativity with self-discipline and fun time. I know I have to work harder than this to make it, but I have to continue to take one step at a time. Otherwise, I’m just gonna end up being overwhelmed and exhausted. And I won’t allow that to happen again. This time, things will be done in the right way, in the right order. This time, I know so much more about myself and  about my creativity than I did before. I’ll make the past failures work as a guideline for my future success.

Recycling artworks

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Sometimes I’ve done some recycling in my digital art. Here is a very early digital collage called “Witness” (2007) – that later turned into “Screamer” (2013) – one of my most popular digital pieces.

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But I also used the hay wagon in “Engla” from 2008:

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And in “Engla” I recycled my “Weird Baby” (2006):

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.. Which I also made a statue from the year after.

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Meditation

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It’s a day of rest. I’m trying to gather new energy because I think I’ve used it all up on my creativity lately. The pollen season is also reaching its climax right now and it makes me feel drained and drowsy. Some allergic Swedes are even fleeing the country to “survive” the predicament. I will continue painting as soon as my health improves. The creative process is taking much longer than I first expected, I’m sort of rusty as a painter but I’m also much more thorough and precise now. Working with digital art has definitely turned me into a perfectionist. I used to be spontaneous and splash paint on the canvas. Now, I can work on details for hours and everything is very controlled and planned. I think it’s probably a combination of being more present since I’ve overcome the disassociating state of PTSD and having my shit together for the first time in my life. That’s why it’s frustrating to be this damn tired – I have so much I want to do! But right now I need to be focused on my breathing and letting go of any negative energy or any doubts. I find my meditation in laughing, at the moment to the Swedish TV and podcast duo Filip and Fredrik.

Comfort vs Growth

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I can’t seem to shake off the feeling of not having any solid ground to stand on right now. The only solid thing at the moment – is me. Which is ironic because it used to be the exact opposite – I used to live in a comfort zone where I was full of chaos and confusion. It’s comforting in a way, to know that just because my reality is shifting in its form and size, I stay intact.

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It’s not that I’m full of doubts, it’s more that I’m about work really hard to reach my dreams and ambitions – and I want to understand what I’m getting myself into, what I’m actually about to achieve. I’m asking “can I really do this?”, not as a doubt but more like forming an agreement with myself. Could I write the books I want to write? Could I ever leave Sweden and move to America? Could I be successful and make a lot of money? What do I have to sacrifice in order to be able to achieve my goals? What I’m a willing to let go of to get further ahead? What is sacred and what is unimportant when I start to think about it?  What is standing in between me  and my goals? Time? Money? Self esteem? Insecurities?

The key to success and achieving goals is to always remember that every decision to make means choosing between comfort and growth. Most people are not willing to sacrifice the comfort and security of a “normal “life to go for their wildest dreams and aspirations. Daring greatly and taking risks means sacrificing certainties and the stillness of an untouched reality. My reality will always be flexible for new dimensions and weight. At times it will be heavy in order to shift, like it’s doing right now. Other times I’ll ride it like a wave to get to a new dimension within it. An artist has to be open-minded to these things. Things most people miss out on. But that’s just the thing – I have to acknowledge and appreciate  all that instead of ignoring it. This is the purpose of my existence. It scares the hell out of me at times – to know that loss and sacrifices are part of the deal I have with my dreams.

I will always choose growth instead of comfort, because the time I made the opposite decision – the comfort almost killed me. I’m made for bigger things than to live a normal life. And I haven’t even really started yet. But I’m on my way. I just have to understand where exactly I’m going from here.

A ‘near-life’ experience

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How can I explain this to you? I’m not sure that I completely understand it myself. Ok, so you know that feeling when you’ve had too much coffee – your hands are trembling, your heart is beating really fast and you feel sort of hyper? And you know that feeling of being really, really in love – it’s like you’ve swallowed the whole Universe and it’s overwhelming and wonderful at the same time?  OK, so add the feeling of being deeply inspired (like after a day at the Louvre) and intensely horny (after the best foreplay ever) – that’s how I am feeling right now. All of that – mixed into a very strange sensation of having a ‘near-life’ experience.

I’m sure you’ve noticed that I’ve been posting a lot of poems written in Swedish lately- I wish I could translate them but it’s impossible because I play with words a lot. I had no idea that I would be writing poetry like this. In Swedish. I have been planning this year to the last little detail:

1. self-empowerment process
2. go back to painting again
3. find a way to make more money
4. write a short story

Writing poetry was not part of the plan, but I guess that’s the nature of plans – life will change them without asking for your permission. Thank God. And now, I just can’t stop writing. I was so focused on reconnecting with my paintings again that I didn’t see how anything else could ever be even a bigger release. But that’s exactly what my poetry is to me. A big. Fucking. Release.

I’ve done so many changes in my life lately and I feel so liberated. And with that comes a sense of innocence. Like I returned to innocence after my traumas. And like anything is possible. Like I can do anything I want. Be whatever I want to be. Say whatever I feel like saying. I’ve never been this private in my creative expressions before. They are all self-portraits. Diary notes. My core beliefs. It feels really powerful. Explosive.

As I am writing these poems, I feel lighter in my heart. Like my blood has been clogged by such deep pain – and now it’s rushing through my veins without any resistance. The pain is fading into the past. Into a void beyond my reach. It used to be sharp as a blade. Infinite. Swirling into itself and out again. For the first time I can see what has been hidden underneath it.  It’s me. Life. Love. Light. Poetry. Art. Passion. Sex. Humility. Gratitude. Peace. Freedom.

It makes me feel high, even on foggy days like yesterday.

My blood is rushing. Fast. My mind reigning. I feel clean. But so filled with stories. Colors. I’m deep into my own thoughts but still extremely present in the world outside myself. I’m absorbing everything and I let myself get absorb by external elements.

I wish everyone could feel awakened like this. We all deserve it. We are all capable. We just have to let go of all the layers of crap that other people and society have forced on us. It’s hard to do. But possible. Just look at me. Look inside me.

It’s the only way I know how to explain what I’m going through right now.

My academic demons

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My work “In the bush” (2007, mixed media on antique postcard) is featured in this intriguing academic research, published and written by PhD candidate Line Henriksen, at the Department of Gender Studies, Linköping University, where she’s been working on a research project on digital monsters called “IN THE COMPANY OF GHOSTS – HAUNTOLOGY, ETHICS, DIGITAL MONSTERS”!

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Thoughts from a warm bed

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It’s a beautiful morning and I’m watching Woody Allen’s Crimes and Misdemeanour in bed while enjoying my morning coffee. I always wake up with this desire to write. Mornings are so full of intimacy. You wake up naked, with a blank mind. Like yesterday was a past life. A mini birth. And the youth of the morning hours is full of promises and hope for the day.

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I will paint later. That’s my promise for today. It’s funny with paintings still in progress. I have this feeling in my body when I think about the piece I’m working on, a tingly feeling. Like I can’t wait to meet up with my lover in a few hours. There’s this sensation of commitment. Passion. Lust. Anticipation. I don’t have these feelings for my digital art. It’s something about the physical act of painting that is like the dance of two lovers. I’m trying to tame the canvas like it’s a wild animal. It makes me feel dominant. But it’s not like I’m always winning. The positions are easily switched. I feel flushed. Sweaty. My body is moving to fit the brush strokes. I’m close. Focused on the delicate details. I’m taking a step back to admire the view. The lines. The space between the lines. Curves. Linear movement. Texture. Structure. Light and shadow. I crave expression. Creation. And after I’m done, I’m exhausted.

I can’t wait to fill the hours of this day with everything that’s in my heart today. It holds every little nuance of me. I will put those into my painting as well.

Sleepwalking

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miaa

The pollen allergies mixed with the suffocating hormones of my PMS are slowly killing me. I feel so tired. And I have constant cravings for cheese and silence. I haven’t been able to paint in a week now. I miss it. I hate disruptions like this. I just want my flow of creativity and mojo and surf it with everything I am. All the time. I understand that it’s not a realistic wish. But that’s where I feel at home. When the flow isn’t there, I feel restless and anxious. Perhaps I’m scared to lose it again. But I won’t allow that to happen. Not again. I’ll just sleepwalk myself out of this mess of hormones and allergies. At least it means I am moving forward –  ever so slowly.

K.d Lang understands constant cravings.

Anxious

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My day has been all about rain and words. In the afternoon I suddenly felt anxious, so I redecorated my bedroom in hopes of a change of style – and mood. My PMS is here again. Perhaps that’s why I cried after I finished the 5th season of Girls. Or perhaps I cried because I think Lena Dunham is so damn talented. Her writing inspires me a lot. I think the 5th season was the best one yet. Can’t wait for the 6th and last season.

I’ve been resting in bed, reading, all night. I’m also studying the writing while reading it. The style. Rhythm. Flow. Effect. I’ve always been self taught in every creative area, this is the way I learn how to express myself; I study, ponder, turn the information into my own version of the techniques and styles – and ponder some more until I let it out in my creative process. Watching movies, reading books, studying art is how I shape my own artistic voice. They are my teachers. I learn fast, I observe well and I transform it to my own thing in a way that feels natural and intuitive. I will sleep soon, so that I can leave my anxious demons to rest. Bad hormones is like poison to an artist mind.

A promising grey day

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Vonda Shepard – Promising Grey Day

It’s a beautiful grey day. My favorite kind of days. It’s like the clouds outside absorb the mists of my mind and I feel all clear and clean in my thoughts. The greyness makes my true colors more vibrant somehow. It’s Saturday but it feels like a “today” – a day without a label or any associations to a specific mood. I am still allergic and I think I’m coming down with a cold, but I don’t care. I feel so alive. If people could see what’s happening on my inside, I’d probably start selling tickets. Idea after idea are born wearing full costumes of completion. I think I have ideas for many years to come. Ideas for art projects, writing projects – even art installations and some lectures. I also want to write a play.

During all these years when I’ve been in some kind of creative paralysis, I’ve collected artistic impressions from other artists, inspiration, understanding of my own artistic voice and talent and created a personal mythology based on my trauma recovery – and it’s been 7 years of digesting all that, compressing it, refining and polishing it up – and now it’s ready to come out of me, like beautiful, little gems.  But with the force of a waterfall. It’s hard to go slow. To take one step at a time. I am still a little fragile. Rusty. So I have to go slow, otherwise I’ll eventually crash and burn.

This grey day is a perfect day to enjoy the flow of this force inside me. Without doing anything. Just enjoying the rush of ideas and characters having fun inside me. Using color as their language. A perfect contrast to they grey skies outside.

“Thousand Yard Stare” by Mia Makila, 2013 [digital]

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“Thousand Yard Stare” by Mia Makila, 2013 [digital]

The thousand-yard stare is a phrase coined to describe the limp, blank, unfocused gaze of a battle-weary soldier, but the symptom it describes may also be found among victims of other types of trauma. A characteristic of shell shock, the despondent stare reflects dissociation from trauma. The thousand-yard stare is thus often seen in cases of incipient post-traumatic stress disorder.

The artist

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stereo784

The pollen season is here and I am so damn allergic. I feel fatigue all the time. It makes me less focused and self-disciplined. But it gives me time to plan my career a little. What do I want to achieve with it? What am I all about, as an artist? What is the core to my art and how can I use it to change the world a little bit?

I used to define myself as an artist by thinking that ‘I will show all those girls who bullied me in school that they were wrong, I’m not a loser nor a freak – I am amazing and I can be whatever I want to be!’. But that’s not who I am – I am not driven by revenge or any negative energies. I am beyond that now. I don’t need to prove myself to anyone. I want to get the negativity OUT of me – through my art; all the traumas, the pain, the rage and the humiliation. I don’t want it inside of me. It doesn’t fit. To be forced into being a victim never suited me. I hated it. I never asked for other people’s negative energy. So it doesn’t belong to me, that’s why I need to get it all out. Some people might look at my art and think that ‘the artist who made this must be a very angry or depressed person’. Yeah, I used to be, when I was still living inside the traumas. But as a person I am very vital and happy in my nature.

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“Funny Games”, 1997

Many people think I love horror movies, dark music and horror literature. But I think it’s dull. One dimensional. I need more than that. Although I do enjoy Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Interview with the Vampire, The Ring (American version) and old horror classics like The Changeling, The Haunting and The Innocents. But that’s about it. To me – Haneke is true horror. Especially the realistic elements of Benny’s Video and Funny Games (Austrian version). Reality is far more scary than any horror movie could ever be. Perhaps that’s why I am so drawn to the whole true crime documentary genre.

My art is often called “horror art” and I am described as a “horror artist”, which is fine by me but it’s not really true.

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“Bacon Colored Demon” by Mia Makila, 2008 – acrylic on canvas

 

My art is full of horror elements. Sharp teeth, hungry jaws, bloody lips, crazy eyes, rawness and aggression. But they are also playful. Colorful. Full of absurdities and humor. Full of life. And sexual curiosity.

Candy Colored Monster Ride
“Death to the American Dream” by Mia Makila, 2008

I am trying to use both the horror of my traumas and the playful core of who I am to create something that is both comfortable and uncomfortable to look at. If my art was just about the horror, people would feel too uncomfortable to take in all the heavy themes I’m dealing with in my art. And if I would just be funny and cute about it, it would create a distance and take away from the seriousness of what I am trying to say. It wouldn’t be as sincere and raw – which is my thing. With the perfect balance of horror and humor – the dark and the light, I can make people stay in front of my artworks and let them FEEL things instead of trivializing important and forgotten things about the human mind, soul, heart – or make them so uncomfortable that they would leave.

And sometimes, I get messages like this in my inbox: “Like you, I suffered from a long abusive marriage. Never thought a second it was possible for me to go through all the bad things. But your experience gives hope to all of us. Thank you Mia, you are an amazing Human Being and a gifted Artist.”

When you create a space for people where they can feel safe and be free to think and feel whatever they want – they will open their hearts and minds – and perhaps look at themselves through my artworks and discover new things or rediscover things they forgot about themselves. Or to know that their painful experiences as a human being doesn’t make them a freak but that it makes them beautiful. To know that their pain, loneliness, sadness, sexual nature and perversions, their shame, their rage and their traumas doesn’t make them less of a person. That they’re not alone.

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That’s what I want to accomplish with my art. That’s who I am as an artist. To make the world a more open and honest place. To create a space where people are allowed to FEEL instead of just judging, numbing, closing off, shutting down and ignoring who they really are. What a challenge.

What a fun challenge.

Overloaded

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Untitled photo project by Mia Makila – model: Domenique

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Untitled photo project by Mia Makila – model: Domenique

My hormones are not in balance and I’m having a hard time focusing on the painting. But it’s not only the hormones that is messing with my concentration. My mind feels like it’s about to explode from inspiration. It’s totally overloaded with ideas right now. I’m not complaining, it’s a wonderful experience to be able to create again – but it’s like every idea is restless and wants to jump out of me – all at the same time. I feel a little lightheaded. My mind is overcrowded with creative possibilities and I don’t have the mental stamina to keep up with them. I am painting, making digital art, creating things for the blog, writing, making sketches and now I am also re-editing old photo projects with Domenique. I have ideas for short stories, novels, children’s books, children’s books for adults, ideas for collages, drawings and sculptures, painting techniques that I want to experiment with – and I’m thinking a lot about how I can use the photo projects in a good way. I need to rethink the original idea, it’s just not gonna happen.

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My first photo shoot with Domenique when we were 14 years old, 1993

It all started in 1992 when I first met Domenique – and the year after we started making photo projects together. She wanted to be a model, I wanted to become an artist. She soon turned into my muse. We never stopped working together even though years could pass in between our meetings. In 2009 I decided to take our projects to a new level. It would be a collection of our works – my documentary photography of Domenique as a person and my own scripted ideas about identity, gender and sexuality told through hundreds of different characters that Domenique would embody in front of my camera. I spent thousands of dollars buying wigs, masks, costumes, props and accessories. I still have a whole box full of weird stuff from that time. It’s my favorite box.

We created more than 20 projects together in the summer of 2009. It was around the time when I started to feel blocked in my art. After that intense summer with Domenique – I totally crashed. I broke up with my boyfriend, slipped into a depression, stopped making art and moved to Stockholm – away from Domenique. She had her own problems to deal with, heavy problems. Life was tearing us apart and away from each other and our artistic connection. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to work with Domenique again. I hope so but it’s not very likely.

That’s why I need to rethink the concept of these projects. I have all these wonderful portraits of Domenique. If I’m not gonna tell the story about her through the characters, what other stories are hidden in there?

More questions to add to my already overloaded mind…

Sad stuff from the time I couldn’t make art

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Drawing from 2013

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FROM MY DIARY:

September 10th 2013

“Dear art.

Where have you gone? I miss you so much. We are one. You are me – and I am you. You are my voice and my best friend. You helped me when I needed it the most and you pushed me out of the big depression in 2008, I know it was all your doing and I am so grateful. But lately, I’ve been having all kinds of new feelings towards life, myself and – you. So we could start over, forget about depressions and gloomy things and just go nuts, what do you say?”

January 4th 2014

“My darling, it’s silly that we should avoid each other like this. I know things have been very awkward and painful between us for a long time – but I’ve never lost my hope about us. Remember the magic we created together? All that glorious beauty and powerful statements? I think about all the times we pushed paint around on the canvas together. A thousand shades of pink. Baby blues. Mars Black. And the warm flowing colors of fire. I feel curious about how it would be like to meet somewhere again. We have both changed I’m sure. We are older, wiser, survived great pains and passions that have carved our characters into new shapes and temperament. I long for you. I miss you. And I miss us. Will you connect with me once more, if I asked you? I know we still got it. I can feel it within myself, the sparks and fireworks when we connect. I am here for you, waiting for you, as I have been for many years. I will be in my studio tomorrow. If you come to me, I will love you for as long as you need me. Let’s tell our stories. Come to me my love. Tomorrow.”

May 30th 2014

“Dear art.

Its been a while since I wrote a letter to you. But this time I have something important to tell you. I can see how I have forced myself upon you, how I’ve tried to use to just to make money and how brutally I have treated you because I’ve been too stubborn and my ego is too big. I know I’ve been hating you, even wanting us to part forever. I’ve used my frustration to push you away because the pain has been unbearable at times.

I hope to hear from you soon.

/Mia”

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Can you now understand how wonderful it is for me to finally be able to unleash all the creativity I have inside me?

7 years later.