The extraordinary

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2011, Stockholm

The meditation has taken me to places I never thought I would experience -and I’ve only just begun exploring it. The sadness is leaving me. Perhaps I’ll always carry a sadness inside, but I feel like so much of it is fading. Finding closure has brought me to a new phase of acceptance and the meditation brings me peace. I am healing. In fact, I am overcoming the process of overcoming a trauma. I am moving past the darkness. I am slowly coming out in the light. Which is ironic, because the days are getting shorter and it get s darker and darker every day here in Sweden. Today I walked in the first snow of the year. But it’s not cold in my heart. On the contrary,  I feel so filled with love and warm light. Perhaps the days of my emotional purgatory is finally over. I have accepted, released, and found closure – it was all I had to do to start breathing again. It was so hard to do – but now it feels like everything comes easy, like I was stuck and now I am liberated from it and I’m just going with the flow of life.

elephant

I’ve had a couple of extraordinary experiences through meditation lately, but I am keeping them private. What’s important is that I am now free to focus on other things instead of dwelling, worrying, obsessing and feeling scared and anxious. It’s all over now. Everything will be OK, I have cleaned out every nook and cranny in my mind, soul and heart. I no longer carry anger, bitterness or fear in there. I know what I need to do to get to the nest phase of healing, and I have so much to look forward to. This is all kind of surreal, considering how close I was to a new depression just a few months back, it is magical if you know how many years I’ve spent crying. I don’t have anything to cry over anymore. I have problems just like anyone else, but I’m no longer weighed down by my past. I never thought this day would come.

But it did come – and it’s an extraordinary feeling. To be free that way. Free of the heavy weight of a trauma or two.

The first breath of closure

This has been one of the heaviest times of my life and I have been forced to get totally naked in front of myself, other people and in front of life itself. It has been hard. In fact, at one point, I thought I wouldn’t make it. What I’ve needed is closure and this weekend I’ve found the first real breath of closure. But I almost destroyed myself in the process. I guess this is why writers always save the biggest battle until the end of the story. Closure and overcoming something difficult means facing the biggest fear – the biggest pain. To face your own mortality and purpose in life. Are you destined to be controlled by something or someone else or are you destined to be in control of your own life? Would you survive standing up for yourself in one last battle of taking back what’s yours? Would you be able to live with the consequences of making a difficult decision? You might go a whole lifetime avoiding to ask yourself these questions, avoiding the final battle, the difficult confrontation and making the painful decision, but then you would never really find true happiness within yourself. There would be a shadow hanging over you, a lump in your throat, a heavy rock on your shoulders. And it would slowly poison your heart and soul – or worse; it would numb them.

What are you willing to endure if choosing to avoid closure? What are you willing to lose? Who would you become if you choose to avoid standing up for yourself – and who would you become if you did?

These questions are terribly difficult to answer without actually doing something about them. By taking action. By doing everything in your power to find the answers. To fight the right fight. To fight your fight. To get your life back. Your self-worth. Your self-esteem. Your future. Your peace of mind. Your power. Your freedom.

The answers would always lead you to a place where you’d finally start ruling your own world.