The process of happiness

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It’s been difficult for me to write anything lately because I’m going through so many different and wonderful processes at the same time. Processes are abstract and hard to define since they are in constant motion, sort of in the same way the sun is dancing across the waves of the ocean. It’s easier to describe a process after going through them. The abstractions are less abstract then and replaced by substance and meaning – and a new sense of clarity. Every day I’m experiencing self-empowerment and letting go of negativity and fear in both little things and in bigger ones. I’m focused on pleasure, happiness and strength – and it takes a lot of trial and error to change my thinking style and the way I’m accepting it.

I try not to fall back in old behavioral patterns, but it’s hard sometimes. I’m still struggling with the thoughts that I don’t deserve to be happy and loved. The manipulation is rooted deeply into my system.

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Why wouldn’t I deserve to be happy and loved? Because it makes someone else feel bad about themselves? Because I am not good enough? Because I am in debt to the world? No theory makes sense, they’re all stupid. If I don’t deserve to be happy – who does? Someone who’s more ‘perfect’? Someone who doesn’t demand anything of other people? Someone who’s less fortune than myself? All this is also so silly.

I understand that I can’t just change my approach to happiness over night. It’s a process, like I described. I just have to accept that today I felt happy and loved and no one could ever take that away because I don’t allow people to punish me or shame me anymore. Happiness is a choice – an attitude of the mind. If I want to feel happy I will find a way to feel happy. And then I’ll actually be happy. That’s the best part of process of happiness.

The dawn of a new era

I have spent months working intensely with my self therapy – to let go, to train my brain to think in new ways – a new “thinking style” and I’ve been studying and making a lot of research about this. It is so much hard work to let go and to start over. But at least now, I have cleaned out all the old and shitty thoughts and feelings that daily used to preoccupy my mind and heart, that used to make me feel lost and scared. I am not a slave to my past anymore. I am not bound to my trauma anymore. I have ended toxic relationships, I have been letting go of old dreams and ideals, I’ve been braking bad behavioral patterns and trained my brain to think in a new, healthy and unfamiliar way – so unnatural from the way I used to think. That was a big challenge. To face my biggest fears and not running away from it. To take a leap of faith. And I failed so many times. Miserably. I almost gave up. Seriously. But I didn’t – and the man who loves me, was holding on to me and made sure I never gave up. I am so grateful.

Basically, what I’ve been doing for the past few years was to break free from my prison (inside myself and in the toxic relationships), losing my old skin, my home and sense of identity, cleaning out the remains of the PTSD, building a new confidence and self esteem, reunited with my core – and with my creativity and with my art again after almost 5 years of blockages, found a new skin to live in, making myself comfortable in that skin, building a new home, a new identity based on what I found in my core – and with self forgiveness, a new self respect and starting to love myself and who I really am (not who I want to be or how other people define me), I could finally see that I do deserve to be happy and that I deserve to be loved by another person, something that the toxic relationships made sure that I never could experience before.

I’m proud of all my accomplishments  – and now it’s time to stop focusing on building and starting over – and instead just actually enjoy life and everything I have created for myself.

In only a few days, I’ll meet my new love – Johnny, who’s coming over from the States to see me. I feel excited and a little nervous. I’m thinking, if everything feels right, then I’ll probably have to move to the other side of the world at some point and that is a little intimidating. But I’m trying to stay in the present, where I  feel happy and at peace. And – if that would happen, I am pretty good at starting over. These last couple of years has been very hard, but also the best years of my life. Because I proved to myself that I am able to overcome whatever comes my way. That is all I need to remember when life feels a little scary or uncertain.

No more starting over, for now. This is the beginning of my a new life – my life, and I feel so excited.