The extraordinary


2011, Stockholm

The meditation has taken me to places I never thought I would experience -and I’ve only just begun exploring it. The sadness is leaving me. Perhaps I’ll always carry a sadness inside, but I feel like so much of it is fading. Finding closure has brought me to a new phase of acceptance and the meditation brings me peace. I am healing. In fact, I am overcoming the process of overcoming a trauma. I am moving past the darkness. I am slowly coming out in the light. Which is ironic, because the days are getting shorter and it get s darker and darker every day here in Sweden. Today I walked in the first snow of the year. But it’s not cold in my heart. On the contrary,  I feel so filled with love and warm light. Perhaps the days of my emotional purgatory is finally over. I have accepted, released, and found closure – it was all I had to do to start breathing again. It was so hard to do – but now it feels like everything comes easy, like I was stuck and now I am liberated from it and I’m just going with the flow of life.


I’ve had a couple of extraordinary experiences through meditation lately, but I am keeping them private. What’s important is that I am now free to focus on other things instead of dwelling, worrying, obsessing and feeling scared and anxious. It’s all over now. Everything will be OK, I have cleaned out every nook and cranny in my mind, soul and heart. I no longer carry anger, bitterness or fear in there. I know what I need to do to get to the nest phase of healing, and I have so much to look forward to. This is all kind of surreal, considering how close I was to a new depression just a few months back, it is magical if you know how many years I’ve spent crying. I don’t have anything to cry over anymore. I have problems just like anyone else, but I’m no longer weighed down by my past. I never thought this day would come.

But it did come – and it’s an extraordinary feeling. To be free that way. Free of the heavy weight of a trauma or two.

The sweetness of my second youth

Reconnecting with my body, especially through meditation, is an extraordinary experience. I am exploring the sensations of pain, pleasure, touch, rest, relaxation, anxiety, tension and release as if my body was just handed to me and I wrapped myself in it for the first time.  Where have I been? Where do I disappear to when I’ve been dissociative and lost within myself? Meditation is helping me heal and to stay connected between mind and body. But it’s a foreign feeling. I feel young. Like I am a teenager, discovering myself in a new, adult body. I guess I am overcoming the Lolita thing in many ways. I am so done with her. I’m growing up and I am enjoying the sweetness of my second youth.


“Felicia and the Fellatio” by Mia Makila, 2013 – dealing with bodily trauma in my art has helped me a lot to reconnect my mind and body

But there are some dark emotions that goes with the sweet. There’s a lot of anger and disappointment towards myself, when I think about all the danger and discomfort I’ve put myself and my body through. I forgave myself a long time ago, it’s not about blame or guilt. It’s simply a reaction to becoming a whole person again. To understand the value of my body, mind and heart. To acknowledge what I like, dislike and what makes me feel good or bad. I didn’t have the freedom to do that in my past. My body has never really belonged to me until now. When I was I child it belonged to the Doctors and my parents for the various examinations and treatments for my eczema that I had all over my skin. In my adult years it belonged to the men. I was acting like a good girlfriend and thought it was my duty to serve them whatever my body could provide, but I never asked my body what I myself wanted and needed. And I ended up in abusive or negtlective relationships which both traumatized me and my body in many ways, and I had to split them apart in order to survive. Then the destructive disconnection followed.  the self-abandonment. The dissociative states and the self-destructive compartmentalization in order to avoid any cognitive dissonance.

This new self-discovery and self-compassion is so healthy, even though it also opens up these places of anger and sadness. It’s part of the healing process and I have to go through it.

Rest and play

This flu is merciless, but I am still able to meditate and I’ve found some amazing places within myself. I never though I would be able to meditate and I don’t know if I’m doing it right but at least I am getting some peace of mind during the sessions. I’m keeping a meditation diary because I’m finding answers and keys to unlock insecurities and fears as I am traveling within myself. It’s quite incredible.


I’ve discovered the importance of balance – both a sense of an inner and a physical balance – and a balance when it comes to rest vs play (work).  And I am now faced with an important question; is my creativity part of rest or is it play? Do I use my creativity to relax or as work? Perhaps the answer will change everything. Perhaps my art is not suppose to be what I do for a living – perhaps that’s why it has been keeping me from feeling the magical lust and flow when I am creating. If so – then I’ve been pushing myself in the wrong direction. I have to experiment to see how I am supposed to use my creativity – maybe I can use my writing and digital art as wok but the painting process is more about relaxation and self-intimacy than it is about working to make money. We’ll see. I will study myself as a scientist until I’ll know the answer.



Totally me today.

I’m still having a cold but I’ve felt so good all day. I’m healing a little more every day and I’ve eliminated all the negativ energy in my life – if there’s ever any negativity now, it’ll be coming from me and then it’s my responsibility to change it. This is what it’s like to be in control of your own life – to invite only the things you want and need in life, and to shut out the rest. It is very hard to do, because you have to have an open and present consciousness and awareness – both are natural but we are not raised to use them in the correct way, so it feels foreign and weird at first. Ignorance is a bliss, just like denial. To be aware means to take responsibility for everything that happens to you, both the good and the bad (but not responsibility for other people’s abuse and judgments) and it also means a willingness to accept or/and change things that used to be under the surface, as they are emerging into the light.


But I’m still on my inner journey.

Awareness is the first step to any change. If you want to change yourself or your life, you first need to know what needs to be changed. You need to be aware of it. If you want to quit smoking, you need to be aware of what damage it does to your body (and wallet). If you want to be more happy, you need to use your awareness to understand what makes you unhappy. Awareness is an open mind – and an open core. To look at things from an authentic point of view – to dare looking at things in a raw and real way. I am not scared of this nakedness and the awareness that follows. It’s the opposite that scares me – the illusions of love, safety, security, the false sense of happiness, the perfectionisms of dreams, the pressure from expectations – and the twisted self-images. I want it real. And it only gets real through an active awareness and an open consciousness. That’s what an awakening is all about. I wish everyone could experience that in their lifetime. It is possible for all of us. If we only dare to open up to the possibility that we don’t know much about anything at all. Only then can be start a lifelong exploration to learn the truth about ourselves and our purpose in life.



It’s a day of rest. I’m trying to gather new energy because I think I’ve used it all up on my creativity lately. The pollen season is also reaching its climax right now and it makes me feel drained and drowsy. Some allergic Swedes are even fleeing the country to “survive” the predicament. I will continue painting as soon as my health improves. The creative process is taking much longer than I first expected, I’m sort of rusty as a painter but I’m also much more thorough and precise now. Working with digital art has definitely turned me into a perfectionist. I used to be spontaneous and splash paint on the canvas. Now, I can work on details for hours and everything is very controlled and planned. I think it’s probably a combination of being more present since I’ve overcome the disassociating state of PTSD and having my shit together for the first time in my life. That’s why it’s frustrating to be this damn tired – I have so much I want to do! But right now I need to be focused on my breathing and letting go of any negative energy or any doubts. I find my meditation in laughing, at the moment to the Swedish TV and podcast duo Filip and Fredrik.