Magic in a rotten world

I’m feeling low. The world seems to be falling apart somehow. Climate change, capitalism, terrorism, racism, crime and people’s indifference and ignorance. I don’t understand it. I’ve been so focused in my own problems and inner wounds and I haven’t really been part of the world, until now when I’m expanding my perspective and looking outside myself for the first time in a very long time – but I do miss the comfort of my own little universe. I’m happy and proud to be an artist because I can create magic and alternative worlds, both as a comfort and escape from the real world but also as a reminder of what is part of this world if you change your perception a little bit. I can create meaning to pain, to make it worth it, I can play with paint and human emotions to make people feel something, through their numbness or hopelessness. I can share my human experience and connect with the world through my art. And that is a beautiful thing. Especially in a world where it’s hard to connect, I mean on a deeper level.

And through that connection, something pure and magic is born. My art is nothing without that connection. With my art I am creating meaning to people’s emotions, pain, fear and sorrow, and they create meaning to me and my life with their response and understanding. Magic is not a fantasy but in the realness of things.

I feel sad when I see how disconnected people are, from themselves, each other and the world. And they don’t even notice it. We think we are connected because of social media and the mainstream culture. But it’s just an illusion. The only thing people are connected to is to their own self image and lifestyle. Nothing of true substance or meaning.

The best thing that’s happened to me was to lose everything last year, in the break up, when I became broke and ‘homeless’. It forced me to look deeper into myself and what I wanted from life – and from myself. I discovered that I was disconnected to many things and in many areas in my life, so it was easy to let go of them. Dreams, ideals, fantasies, lifestyles, self images and even some styles and techniques in my art. Losing everything also made me more humble and grateful for the things I do have. And for who I am.

Now I am connected to everything in my life and I don’t waste time on things and people who can’t connect with me or who I can’t connect to in some way. Where there’s a disconnection there is also lack of understanding, empathy, respect and acceptance.

To be disconnected from oneself makes it so much harder to connect with the world and to other people. It’s easy to feel a sense of foreignness to emotions and feelings if we can’t connect with them, and that makes us numb and unresponsive to things and people around us. We become isolated in our beliefs and opinions. Narrow minded and closed off. Indifferent and dispassionate. It’s easy to hate when you are in that state, you hate whatever doesn’t fit your own narrow and tight view on what the world should look like.

I wish this was something that most people understood so they could work through their personal issues and feel more connected and comfortable in themselves and in the world and then act in a more tolerant and empathetic way.

We are all warmblooded, we all have beating hearts, so there is no need to fill our minds with coldness and unnecessary intolerance.

Dangling

Climax

[Alfred Hitchcock’s “North By Northwest” 1959 – the Mount Rushmore scene]

I had no idea that letting go of the past and my destructive behavioral patterns would be this hard to do.  It is very painful and so difficult to break through the fear that has been my stalking shadow for almost 20 years. Letting go of the past and the person I was back then is actually much harder to do than when I was dealing with it in therapy. Then I was investigating myself and the tragic events that had happened to me. With the understanding that followed I had to accept the things I found. Once I knew something new about myself, it was impossible to go back to the way I used to be. I have been moving forward, mentally and emotionally, for years. Every day.

But even if I can’t go back to how my I used to live my life – it is difficult to start something new, with a new ‘thinking style’, new behavior, new boundaries and new perspective on things (and myself). Here is the place to change and it doesn’t happened just because you reached that place. You need to work hard. Harder, than ever. To let go, is to stop holding on to things that are familiar to you, everything you know about yourself and the world around you.

And you have to decide whether you want to hold on to things that are uncomfortably comfortable, things that makes you feel safe and trapped at the same time, or if you want to let go and it’s scary as hell and you don’t know what’s waiting on the other side but you know you just can’t go on like this anymore.

Hanging_EdgeCliffByFingersO

It leaves you dangling on the edge of a cliff for a while. That’s where I am right now. Looking down to see if I can ensure myself that once I let go, I won’t hurt myself, but I can’t see anything, my fear is blocking the view like a heavy fog.

As long as I am fooling myself that I am more safe on the edge of the cliff than to risk hurting myself when I fall, I won’t be able to let go.

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I am feeling so vulnerable and fragile right now, dangling off this cliff and here – at this very place, where I am so exposed, I have to fight my fear, like fighting a dragon, to finally just let go and hope for the best.

I know I am being brave, but I just feel like crying.

The times they are a-changin’

It feels like everything is changing right now. I am changing, the seasons are changing, the world seems to be going through a lot of political changes right now as well. I love changes but there is always a little pain involved when you or your world is changing. It is only through that pain or discomfort that change is even possible, without an effort or acceptance, change is impossible or wasted and turned into denial, indifference and bitterness.

I am always moving forward, always looking for improvement and exploration. But I think I am always looking for something that feels like home – in anything I do.

I am letting go of an old thinking style and old ideas of who I am and who I was in my past. That person feels like a total stranger to me now, and when I’m confronted by her old behavior and values, I feel confused and a little embarrassed, because it’s like a Neanderthal version of myself.

I’m letting go of an old intellect, with thoughts and feelings that were born in the mind of a victim of domestic abuse and humiliation. I’m letting go of being a survivor – always on guard and defensive because I was so used to being hurt and betrayed. That costume doesn’t fit me anymore, it even smells really bad.

I’m learning how to just be me in the world, without having to carry the heavy baggage of my past with me wherever I go. It’s time to store it away and to not let it follow me around.

It’s time to create a new thinking style for myself – and to hold on to everything that feels like home and get rid of the rest.