Tag: soul searching

A new language

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The white tulips of “Fringe” (TV series)

I haven’t been able to work due to the monthly invasion of ‘dark’ hormones. I feel utterly unfocused and distant – but even so, I feel deeply connected to my inner world and every day I sense something new approaching – like I am subconsciously learning a new language within my own creativity and imagination. I see new visions, new ideas are forming with ease and without resistance. It feels really good. But what are all these new things I see inside my mind? As soon as the hormones have passed, I will try to find out. I especially want to make a digital piece inspired by the mythology of the white tulip in Fringe.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my own personal mythology and how I could use it more in my art. I have about 30 notebooks with therapy notes, there are so many personal symbols and whole new iconography in there. It will be fun to explore them outside the notebooks for a change. I think this was exactly what Hilma Af Klint did in her art, almost exactly a hundred years ago.

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Hilma af Klint, The Swan, No. 17, Group IX/SUW, The SUW/UW Series (1915)

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From my notebook earlier this year

There are so many emotions and memories I wish to share with the world – both to tell my story but also to take my research about dissecting the soul to a new level. Perhaps I’ll be a little art-philosopher one day, who knows. First, I have to learn how to use this new language so I know how to tell the story right.

Staring into the eyes of life

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Georges de La Tour, La Madeleine à la veilleuse,  1640 – 1645

I am trying to focus on my art again, but I am constantly being interrupted by this overwhelming feeling of being really present in myself – and how that feeling is weaving itself in every moment, and ironically I’m suddenly not sure if I am present in the moment or just within myself and detached from the world outside my own mind. But everything feels different now. I used to be withdrawn because I lived inside my head – now I am living with it as a great companion trying to figure out how to relate to the world. I am centered, but not in the state of just being – I am still layers away from connecting to the real divinity inside myself. The place where fear doesn’t exist – a place where I am accepting everything about myself, the situations I am going through and people, without any judgments or desire to control any of it. I’ve learned that being in control is to accept not having any control at all – and to embrace that notion instead of being intimidated by it.

For the first time in my life I am also exploring how I feel about my own mortality. I used to live so close to the  darkness that I thought Death was just another word for Life. But now I live in a perfect greyscale – and for the first time I am actually scared to die and to lose the people I love. It was so much easier to live in the dark where loss was an everyday experience in some way or another. I lost my dignity so many times a day, my self respect, my value as a human being, I lost my creativity, I lost faith in myself as an artist and I lost myself over and over again. There is nothing more painful in this life than self abandonment because every external abandonment becomes unbearable – then you don’t have anything, not even yourself. I am grateful for having rescued myself – from myself.

I am going through an overwhelming process of healing and being in love with another soul that I connect with in every way possible. I am filled with warm clouds – and so much hope.

“Nurture your nature”

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My health is still not stable, but I feel stronger than ever. It’s a magical time of self discovery and letting go of shame and fear. I can’t believe how many suffocating layers of self loathing and fear that used to cover my true nature. I’ve come to realize how difficult it is to stay true to one’s true nature – how difficult it is to hold on to it throughout life, especially socially and in society in general. At some point, you are forced to conform, adjust and change that nature in order to ‘fit in’ and to be accepted by other people and society. If you don’t – you will be an outcast, a misfit, a freak – and your true nature will become something foreign and threatening – and shamed. Both to yourself and to others. It is very hard to hold on to any self- pride and self- respect regarding a nature that doesn’t seem to fit the norm.

But I am reclaiming that pride now. And with that comes a new self respect. I’ve made a lot of research about the sense of self and identity and came across this statement: “nurture your nature” – to examine it and to understand it in order to make the best of it. To remove the shame and to work with your true nature, not against it. And to celebrate it.

That will set us free. Truly free.