The waiting room

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[photo found on tumblr]

Right now, I’m spending all my time preparing to move into my own place, in a little more than a month from now. I feel extremely restless. I have been without my things, my furniture, my art supply and my freedom for almost a year now – and the little time left feels unbelievably frustrating since I am so close to reconnect with my things, with my art and my creativity.

I am building a new life for myself, and it’s a slow process, it takes time and a lot of thinking and soul searching to know where I want to go, where I want to be.

I feel like I am new at everything in life now. In love. Art. Sex. Success. Even my mind and soul feels new and fresh. I am enjoying life for the first time without the constant anxiety or the symptoms of my trauma that I’ve left behind. I can breathe without inhaling fear, I can see without the eyes of a victim and I can talk from my core without the defense mechanisms and the shame.

The fear is still there at times, but I’m not a slave to it and I am actively fighting it.

I have changed so much in these last two or three years. I can’t really relate much to the person I was before. So it’s overwhelming at times. The changes. The new. The waiting.

But I will soon have a new place to call home, and from there I will create my dream life. I have so much to look forward to. No wonder I feel so restless right now when I know my freedom is there waiting for me around the corner.

I’m not as active as I used to be on my blog or on Facebook, because I used to live through those channels, to feel seen or heard. Now, I am enjoying life and these virtual places doesn’t mean as much as before. I don’t need the constant validation or the attention from strangers anymore. I provide that to myself now. But once I have my own place and my own studio there, I will create things – art and writing, and show you! I have so much I want to tell you about. And it’s all kept inside of me – in here. Like a restless volcano of creativity, joy and love!

So please be patient, I will be back with so many exciting projects. I just have to get trough this time of the constant waiting for my new life to start.

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