From my diary:
“January 13, 2015
I keep forgetting that since I’m so attracted to darkness, it will always catch up with me at some point. I really have to unsubscribe to darkness from now on, it just makes me ill. Nothing good can exist inside the dark, there’s no attractive core, no beauty within the beast, no forgotten heart at the bottom of the pain. The darkness is just a void – absence of everything that feels good. I am no sun after all, I don’t have the strength to warm the cold darkness until it begins to grow life somewhere. I have been too arrogant as I imagined I could ever create life in a place that’s been cold, dark and dead for such a long time,
We had another painful fight and he just disappeared again. I can’t do this pain game anymore. I’m so stupid, once again I thought it would be different. All that is left is his coldness and my pain. Nothing else. Absolutely nothing else.
I have created two new digital works. It’s been a while since I have been creative at all. I read somewhere that an artist who’s not making art is committing an ’emotional suicide’ – is that what I’ve been doing?
It makes sense but it hurts – for it didn’t have to be this hard, it didn’t have to be this painful. And I can apply that to everything in my life. I have to start making it easier for myself. Everything.
This black fire has gone out. No more games. You can’t play with pain anyway. Today I’m resigning as a masochist.”