I’m feeling exhausted again. I can’t express it in any other way than with violent attacks of crying. It’s a release of so many emotions and processes I’ve collected since I’ve moved in here and could start my new life. In only 3 months I have created 6 artworks and over 10 sketches – and a plan for my future career. I am slowly building a very beautiful and solid relationship with a man on the other side of the planet. It is so much hard work but also the most amazing and extraordinary experience. Also, I have continued to grow and explored my strength and my new freedom. But sometimes my past comes back for a visit – and collides with my new life and the happiness I’ve found here. I quickly fall through some kind of black hole – and into the trauma again where everything I’ve been walking away from suddenly makes sense again . When this happens I lose everything I’ve been building for myself in these last few months and I feel just as helpless and powerless as I used to feel. It makes me sad but mostly it makes me furious, to know I’m still that fragile and vulnerable when it comes to my past. But I guess letting go of a traumatic past and 20 years of suffering is a slow process and doesn’t happen over night even though I wish it would.
But one good thing that I’ve learned in these last few months is that I am allergic to anything that feels familiar to me when it comes to my past – feeling submissive to someone, feeling owned or trapped, to let myself be hurt by people who wants to see me hurt, being punished for who I am and for being happy, being questioned because I demand things for myself; respect, space, a voice, value and appreciation.
I can never go back to the way things were then. I can’t be part of anything destructive or damaging.
I can never go back to a life that made me feel like I’m just a guest, like it’s not mine, like I’m just following other people’s wishes and desires – which would destroy me in the end.
The collision between my past and my present is very painful and loud and when it happens I immediately go to a very dark place. The familiarity of the uncomfortable and forced situations and the injustices are swallowing all the light I’ve found in my new life until a breaking point where I feel like I don’t even want to exist anymore. I have become allergic to my own past and the person I used to be.
I am working so hard on building a new life and a new career for myself, after being mentally paralyzed for many years and I’m feeling proud of myself. But my past is still just a thought away. I need to be stronger and to keep it at a bigger distance. Nothing can ruin my new happiness. Nothing is more important. Nothing.