Collision

TameAppropriateIrishsetter

I’m feeling exhausted again.  I can’t express it in any other way than with violent attacks of crying. It’s a release of so many emotions and processes I’ve collected since I’ve moved in here and could start my new life. In only 3 months I have created 6 artworks and over 10 sketches – and a plan for my future career. I am slowly building a very beautiful and solid relationship with a man on the other side of the planet. It is so much hard work but also the most amazing and extraordinary experience.  Also, I have continued to grow and explored my strength and my new freedom. But sometimes my past comes back for a visit – and collides with my new life and the happiness I’ve found here. I quickly fall through some kind of black hole – and into the trauma again where everything I’ve been walking away from suddenly makes sense again .  When this happens I lose everything I’ve been building for myself in these last few months and I feel just as helpless and powerless as I used to feel. It makes me sad but mostly it makes me furious,  to know I’m still that fragile and vulnerable when it comes to my past. But I guess letting go of a traumatic past and 20 years of suffering is a slow process and doesn’t happen over night even though I wish it would.

But one good thing that I’ve learned in these last few months is that I am allergic to anything that feels familiar to me when it comes to my past – feeling submissive to someone,  feeling owned or trapped, to let myself be hurt by people who wants to see me hurt, being punished for who I am and for being happy, being questioned because I demand things for myself; respect,  space,  a voice,  value and appreciation.

I can never go back to the way things were then. I can’t be part of anything destructive or damaging.

I can never go back to a life that made me feel like I’m just a guest,  like it’s not mine, like I’m just following other people’s wishes and desires – which would destroy me in the end.

The collision between my past and my present is very painful and loud and when it happens I immediately go to a very dark place. The familiarity of the uncomfortable and forced situations and the injustices are swallowing all the light I’ve found in my new life until a breaking point where I feel like I don’t even want to exist anymore. I have become allergic to my own past and the person I used to be.

I am working so hard on building a new life and a new career for myself,  after being mentally paralyzed for many years and I’m feeling proud of myself.  But my past is still just a thought away.  I need to be stronger and to keep it at a bigger distance. Nothing can ruin my new happiness. Nothing is more important.  Nothing.

2 thoughts on “Collision

  1. stevie says:

    i look at the crying as a safety valve letting out your frustration and anger out from times past and present you have too go through this process a roller coaster of feelings to empty yourself too make room for your new life for every up their is a down you are out of balance too much hurt and your mind is clearing it out but soon you will find a balance to dream,love,feel you are doing so well everyday i look into your life hoping you are well and you have strength to not let the past grind you down,…… don’t let the people who give up on there dreams take yours away………live your dreams you have so many people wishing you well so you must have something special about you so your existence is important ……..anyway i would miss you and a lot of your fans would as well keep strong …..lots of hugs Stevie

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  2. miamakila79 says:

    Dear Stevie.

    Yes, you are right, the crying is a necessary release – and I can feel that I am leaving more of the old me to be buried in the past – so it is also a grieving process. I know what I don’t want and what I have lost of my personality that is important to lose in order to move on and be happy, and yet I need to grief all this before I can move on, because it’s been a part of me and the truth about who I thought I was for so long. And now – I am like an unwritten book, waiting to be filled with new truths and stories. It’s scary… and wonderful… and I feel very vulnerable and naked… but it makes me stronger and more me.

    and I would never end my own life, don’t worry, I LOVE life, I think I have a love affair with life and sometimes it’s destructive because I feel like life hasn’t always returned my love, but I will never destroy the beauty of what life is, but sometimes I am being pushed – and tested… and I fail… I fail at being strong and I feel trapped and forced into the position of a victim again, against my will… I hate it.. I don’t want it but when it happens, I get swallowed up by my past and I am trying so hard to fight it and I guess I get desperate and scared – so I panic and get myself into a very dark place.

    But as soon as I find my way out of there, everything feels good again and I don’t feel like a victim or forced into being something I’m not.

    When I am myself, then nothing bad can happen, it’s when other people try to manipulate me into being something they want for themselves that I get lost at times because I have a good heart… too good…

    But I will never stop fighting for the right to be me and to be happy without being punished.

    Thank you for your warmth and your kind words, you are very appreciated and your support means a lot. ❤ warm hugs!

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