I’m sick from exhaustion again. Insomnia and anxiety. Emotionally drained. Someone recently ripped the trauma wound wide open again and I had to deal with the PTSD symptoms that were triggered. I feel angry when I think about people’s ruthless behavior and their lack of compassion and acceptance. I am not a human punching bag. I can’t take any more abuse or manipulation. I am done with being a victim and I refuse to be forced into that position just to make other people feel powerful or in control. I quit being a slave to other people’s need to feel superior. I am withdrawing from the endless dance routine of being rejected /embraced/rejected /embraced.
I am a beautiful person, with a kind heart and a warm soul that wants to do good in life, I deserve respect and kindness in return.
I was starting over. I was creating a new life for myself – and the minute I started to find genuine happiness (for the first time in my life) and freedom – I got punished for it.
I had to stand up for myself (for the first time ever) and it felt really good but I had to deal with all the trauma stuff again, with energy I just don’t have. Starting over and building a new life, career and a new deep relationship is so much hard work. So I hadn’t planned for a trip down trauma-lane again. I feel so tired, almost all burned out. At one point not long ago I started to doubt my own existence.
When people are battling cancer no one would treat them this way. You show them respect, compassion and empathy. Just because PTSD isn’t visible doesn’t mean it’s not there – just because I am a strong woman, a survivor, doesn’t mean I’m not vulnerable and struggling, every day.
I will always fight for the right to be who I am without being punished for it. I know so many people are fighting the same fight. It should be a human right. To be able to be who you are in the world and to be accepted and respected. Just like what the gay & queer movement is all about. It should be applied for all people – gay, straight, bi, trans gender, queer, normal, freaks, nerds, empaths, outsiders, geeks and introverts. All of us.
I’ve been bullied and abused all my life and now I’ve developed an allergic reaction to it. I feel rage and frustration and at times I get so mad that I am slamming doors and drawers when nobody is around just to get a little release. I need to do something more cathartic with my rage. Perhaps I’ll use it in my art or writing somehow. I’ll find a way. Because I don’t want it. I am not an angry person. All I want is to focus on my new life, my precious freedom and my well deserved happiness.
Without being punished for it.
It is cruel and ruthless to punish people for who they are or for their blessings.
Put the envious and judgmental brains away and start using your hearts as a compass in life.
It will change everything.