The autumn is finally here with its vibrant colors and melancholic skies. I love this season, but it will be over in just a few weeks when winter will come and take its place. My new life is still, after living in my new apartment for 4 months, very much a work in progress. I can feel something is shifting, not just the seasons. Perhaps the hard work I’m putting into my self therapy and overcoming my fears is finally translating itself to actual behavior and new ways of thinking. But I’m still in the process of shaking off old behavior, old convictions and fears. I had no idea how difficult it would be to start over in life (not like moving someplace new and changing relationship status, but really and truly starting over – to move forward, away from everything I’ve ever known). At times, I feel like just giving up, like it’s too hard and I can’t do it. But I can’t give up, not now -because I have nothing to go back to. I’ve already left so much pain behind, I’ve abandoned so many false realities, destructive behavior and masochistic indulgences. I know too much, I can’t pretend like I don’t understand that I have to change and then just give up and go on like I have always lived my life. No, I am too far away from my old self, and I’m too committed to who I am becoming to be able to quit now. I just have to keep going, to keep moving forward. Some days in a very, very slow pace. The frustration is always present.
But I will remember this time as a healthy process. A necessary pain, to be able to reach the other side of the tunnel which I’ve been walking through for so many years. I have come so far, I am working so hard – I just have to keep going.
I am changing color, and letting the dead leaves drop. I feel so connected to this year’s autumn. Like I’m part of nature, in a very special way.