Boundaries

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[photo found on tumblr]

I’ve been faced with some setbacks lately. I’m disappointed in myself and it feels like I am failing. It’s one step forward, two steps back at times; the self-doubts are seeping into my mind again and I lose the connection to myself. It happens when I am around “power people” – people who wants to exert their power over me to feel better about themselves. Because of the PTSD – and the toxic relationships in my past, I am highly intolerant to this personality type.

I am a strong person, I am celebrating who I am and I never want to be something I’m not – and yet this is happening, over and over again. I lose myself in their vision of who I should be – submissive, quiet, a puppet for them to control, without a voice of my own – and who can’t stand up for myself even though I am so good at doing that in so many other areas of  my life.

It’s something with these power people,  the narcissistic personality type with no empathy or emotional intelligence, and me. Like a dangerous chemical reaction. I don’t know what happens. Why my boundaries all of the sudden are melting, bouncing or expanding so that they can do things to me that I don’t like without me responding to it. I hate this. I need to find a way to keep my boundaries intact around these power people, even if they are hungry to destroy them so they can control me or use me to fill whatever need they have in themselves, to feel superior or to feel in control – or both.

The worst thing is that this is totally distracting me from making art and enjoying my new relationship and the happiness it brings to my life. My PTSD symptoms are back.

But the good thing is that I’m aware of the dynamics between me and the power people, and  I am willing to work hard to keep my boundaries intact. At least I can see when it’s happening and I feel how wrong it feels – it’s unnatural for me to be submissive even though I am following a destructive behavioral pattern that happens when I am forced into that role.

I need to be more selfish – and to grow a tougher skin.

And I need to make art, I feel lost without it. I will start on a new project – tonight.

4 thoughts on “Boundaries

  1. stevie says:

    i was going too say how strong you are and you have a talent some power people could just dream of but i would just be stating the obvious to you and me so my message is too the Mia who found love and happiness along with a light that has seen you through the darkness of PTSD ………………….you will win you will see your dreams come true …..you already have started …………..Stevie……… lots of hugs to you

    Like

  2. miamakila79 says:

    Thank you Stevie!!! I know I am strong but something bad happens to my strength when I’m around these people, I posted this on Facebook too and got a lot of feedback, mostly from other strong women, sensitive and artistic women who all have been struggling with the same problem with these cold power people… Very interesting…

    Many hugs to you!

    Like

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