I am dealing with shame right now, in my self therapy. It’s a very painful subject to dissect. Perhaps it is the core of the darkness I’ve been carrying with me for almost all my life. Shame is something very private – and the most fascinating thing about it, is that we don’t feel shame in front of ourselves – it is always in front of other people. We are OK with our own flaws and ‘abnormalities’ when we are alone – but when we are confronted with them around other people – we want to escape them or hide them to whatever cost, because somewhere along our journey, other people pointed them out as flaws – and shamed us for it. We were taught to hate those sides of ourselves and the sad thing is that it’s the flaws that makes us unique and beautiful. Whatever makes us stand out is not a flaw or a weakness, it’s a definition of what makes us magical individuals. In the game of Tetris – the rule is ‘if you fit in you disappear’, think about that for a moment. Now that is a shame.
I am examining the shame I feel about my own flaws and ‘abnormalities, to be able to make peace or to remove the shame associated with them. It is difficult though, because the shame is a very powerful and overwhelming feeling and the easiest way would be to just to hold on to the shame and continue to escape and hide the source from myself. But I’m not gonna do that. And what the hell is “normal” anyway? Perfection? Conformity? Is it always the opposite of how we perceive ourselves, like an impossible illusion? Is it just an idea without a clear definition – an idea that works like a mirror with a blurred image of something that always feels out of reach?
Normal is whatever is natural for us to feel, to be. To deny what is a natural part of us creates a little black hole inside. A void. And we spend our whole life trying to fill that void with external things. But we can’t fill the void unless we search for whatever that was abandoned in ourselves and shamed by others – and set it free.
I hope I can do this. It is really, really difficult.