Regret

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This week has been intense even if I barely left the apartment at all. I don’t think I’ve met anyone other than my dad this week. I’ve been isolating myself on purpose. To go through this process of self-empowerment – to really break through the old layers of self-images, false convictions and warped perspectives on myself and the world, I have to have the biggest dedication to the task and an intense focus – otherwise I won’t find any clarity and enough strength to actually change my behaviour and way of thinking. I love to be really focused, to make research and to dig deeper into something that fascinates me. I would make an excellent scientist if I had any talent for logic. But I don’t. My mind is too wild and free.

There is, however, an overwhelming side effect to go this deep into the process of healing; the clarity and the realizations makes everything you’ve gone through look completely real and raw, in some kind of harsh daylight. I can see every mistake I’ve ever made, every bad decision, every toxic relationship and its destructive anatomy, every persona I’ve ever created to adjust to a life I felt trapped in and I can see why it was so hard for me to break free – and it’s painful. Overwhelmed with emotions and nowhere to direct it. I have cried a lot this week, but I’m not sad, not really. I’m just waking up, and it’s a rude awakening. It’s a constant stream of awakenings when you are healing.

But I do feel a lot of regret. In fact, I think I regret everything in my whole adult life up to the point where I fell in love with my best friend last year. It was the first time I’ve ever felt truly seen, by anyone, ever and it inspire me to look deeper into myself, beyond who I have been and who I wish to become – it was the first time I saw myself that way.

I’m sure it’s unhealthy to feel regret, to feel nauseous and claustrophobic while thinking about the past, but I can’t help it. I regret it all. The relationships, the sex, the lifestyles I had, the way I saw the world, my taste in music, clothes, friendships, how I acted on social media, blog posts, selfies, old flirts and flings, phone calls and Skype talks. I regret food I use to eat, routines I used to have, art I used to like, celebrities I used to look up to, attitudes I had and belief systems I followed. I regret it all.

But I’m not bitter – in fact I feel liberated. I feel free.

I won’t isolate myself much longer, I’m soon done with this phase of the process, I can feel it. I’m gathering new energy, pure and raw, that’s why I need solitude and silence to clean the old energies out of my system.  Then I will start making art again, for real this time. And perhaps be a little more social.

I see my feelings of regret and the way my heart gets a little panicked when I think about everything I used to be, know and believe – as a perfect guideline to my next destination on my inner journey. That way, it will be a positive thing.

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