I’m going through a phase right now where I just want to delete everything from my past. Since I feel so much regret about almost everything in my life the past 18 years, I just want to get rid of anything that reminds me of it. It’s not that I’m denying what happened, or who I used to be – but I want to clean out all the negative associations, all the old energies, before I can start over with my art again. It’s important to me, for some reason. I’ve deleted all photos of old boyfriends, I’ve stored away my DVD collection in boxes, cleared my closet from old clothes with smaller sizes so I won’t feel bad about how my body looks right now, stopped eating the food I used to eat, deleted old music lists and replaced them with classical music. Since I’m starting over with my art and I really am in a new place in my life – I want the energy to be just right – pure and focused, not stained with regret or bad energy.
In a way, hitting rock bottom two years ago was the best thing that could ever happen to me. It gave me the opportunity to reflect and think about where I wanted to go next. My life’s journey was interrupted and I was no longer part of the path I had been following for many years. Instead, I had to create a new path. I feel grateful. And lucky. Even though I’m broke and dealing with the aftermath of traumas and being burned out – I feel like I am in the exact right place at the right time in my life. Sure, it’s frustrating at times – and painful, but I’m healing and creating a life that feels amazing, and for that I am grateful.
The best thing about falling down, failing and living in the consequences of a broken life, is that there is no other way than up from there. And you can’t fear rock bottom anymore since you’ve already been there. It’s not that bad, if you decide to see it as experience and learn something from it – and use it to create something wonderful and beyond your own expectations.