I’m in bed with a little cold today. It’s a great opportunity for me to just lay here and absorb all the good things happening to me right now. My body might be a little weak because of the cold but there are so many new wonderful sensations to enjoy. My body has been so tense for a long time, perhaps since I was very young. I am so connected to my own true nature now, I know what makes me feel good and what makes me tense and uncomfortable. I’ve had a lot of aggressive people around me in my life – people yelling, threatening, shaming, humiliating, punishing, cussing, being violent or passive aggressive while not taking responsibility for their actions but making me feel guilty and responsible. Forcing it on me.
This makes the mind tense and high-strung, expecting and looking for the next attack – which makes the body tense and stressed as well. I used to break out in hives and rashes when I was younger, I’ve had pain and problems with my female body parts because I used to have sex against my will without saying no, I’ve suffered hair loss, weight gain, weight loss, anxiety and panic attacks because all of me, body, mind, soul, heart, has been so tense and stressed.
People haven’t treated me with respect and I haven’t treated myself with the respect I deserve. I am trying to do that now, I have been doing that since I forgave myself last year. It changed everything. My body was so full of shame, so full of guilt and painful memories. Then I forgave myself for being so reckless and careless with myself, for not saying no when I needed to, for not saving myself before it was too late. I forgave myself for not taking responsibility for my own body and life. For being disassociated and disconnected between mind and body so one could feel pain while the other numbed it in order to continue destructive relationships.
I feel so connected to myself and all my parts right now. My mind is at peace, my heart is alive, my body is relaxed and my female parts are opening up to welcome pleasure instead of pain. I’m taking responsibility for my body and treating it with respect by eating well and not getting myself in a situation that makes me feel tense and stressed again. I’m trying to stimulate myself sexually and sensually both physically and mentally. This is very important if you want a lasting happiness. To keep yourself positively stimulated.
The mind should always be slightly challenged, the body teased and appreciated and the heart filled with fire and air so it can burn and breathe without inhaling fear or indifference. I’ve grown allergic to both fear and indifference. They kill the spirit. One state is too active and defensive, the other is too passive and disconnected. It’s actually rather hard to find a balance, but it’s possible and worth the effort.
The secret is to listen to the body and trying to figure out what it has to say. Because it is talking. Just like the thoughts inside your mind. It’s just the language that is different.