The heat is unbearable right now. I’m having money problems and I feel stressed and worried. It seems like I have everything I need in life, except for money. I stumble upon this quote and it’s comforting: “Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength”. I’m working hard to fix this and patience isn’t a virtue of mine. And I always get a little anxious when things are up in the air. But I’ll get through this time of financial troubles, because that’s what I do.
Because strength is my favorite virtue.
I can’t wait to work as a full time artist again. And perhaps as a writer too. I want to feel independent and free in every way possible. I’m so close now. It’s just the money thing left. And that’s not too bad. I’ve overcome so many obstacles already. I can do this.
Money has always been scary to me, not only because it’s connected to math which was a traumatic experience for me in school, but also because it’s connected to my abusive relationship where he made me responsible for taking care of the money issues and punished me when I failed. I had to pay for all the food, most if the bills and more than half the rent. This was another way for him to isolate me and to make me crippled so I didn’t have any money to spend on myself. It was all designed to make himself feel free and in control and it forced me into a submissive position and a slave to worries and anxiety – which made me weak and unable to fight his manipulations. We fought more during hard financial times and I found myself in a very vulnerable position. The abuse was rougher during these times. I still associate money as something extremely serious, and the root to humiliation and violence. But I’m working on changing the association to something positive. Money will buy me freedom. Independence. Opportunities. It’s a tool to reach all my goals. It takes time to change attitudes and I know I’m still taking it step by step but it’s hard to be patient when you’re so close to overcoming the last obstacle.