I’m at a café right now, trying to escape the terrible heat. At least there’s a little breeze to enjoy. I’m painting again. Probably because it’s too hot to do anything else. I feel less pressured now when I’ve decided to make the digital art my priority. I’m very sensitive to expectations, both from myself and others. How ironic that when I let go of painting, that’s when I start working with it again. It says a lot about how toxic pressure is to my creativity.
I will stop thinking about my creativity and just go with whatever comes out. It’s all good anyway. I can’t believe how insecure I’ve become as an artist after the years of self doubt and blockages. I hate it. But I’m not letting it stop me. And I’m always working on my self esteem, so it won’t always be an issue. I’ve promised myself that.
But I long for rain, clouds and gray skies – and to feel like I am grounded in my thoughts and feelings instead of being invaded and hijacked by the harsh light and the heat. It’s so claustrophobic. That’s why I’m gonna sit here and enjoy the cool breeze, as long as I can.