I just woke up, one hour later than most mornings lately. I haven’t slept well for months now. I’m so tired. But I’m grateful for that extra hour. It’s almost like a storm outside and the trees in the park next to the cemetery are violently thrown from side to side in the wind and sometimes I think they’re going to break. But they don’t. I feel like those trees right now. Life’s been stormy lately and I’ve been forced to sway and go in directions where I wasn’t planning to go. I’ve felt like I’m breaking at times. But I didn’t.
But hard times always come with new knowledge about my own resilience and capability. I survive, because that’s what I have to do – but I also add to my confidence because I didn’t give up but got back on my feet and carried on. Even though I don’t agree with the old British saying that’s been hijacked by hipsters and millennials: “keep calm and carry on” (it doesn’t allow you to feel and experience raw emotions works as a foundation to make you ‘comfortably numb’), that’s what I have to do now. To keep calm and carry the fuck on.
I’ve been painting on and off during my days of recovery. I’m hungry for a more raw expression. I must be bolder. More courageous. Although the most important thing right now is to just paint, I’m still in the process of getting used to it again after the long hiatus.
Also, I’ve been sketching up ideas for my digital art collaboration with Candice Angelini. It will be a fun suite of 4 pieces.
After my new dentist appointment this afternoon, I hope to get closure on this painful tooth infection. It’s been 1,5 months of appointments and suffering. I will be more careful with my health from now on.
I still have a lot to accomplish this year. And the storm didn’t break me. I just have to take some deep breaths and carry on.