I’m so tired. But it feels so good. I’m finally beginning to relax. My body has been so tense for too long. I feel lighter somehow, more grounded in myself. The anxiety is leaving me, like a flock of heavy birds. I will never take anything about myself, for granted again. Not my health, my body nor my mental state. I’ve learned just how vulnerable I am in this life. Being so close to giving up makes you both even more vulnerable but also stronger, because you know that you got through it and learned a lot from the experience. I didn’t give up. I kept moving forward, even when it felt like I was stuck. And I’m more connected to my body now, I’ve rediscovered it like it was just handed to me. It is a beautiful thing.
I have some ideas about new paintings that I want to try out. I’m sure it will feel different this time since I’m so much more present in my own body. Perhaps the disconnection has been part of the problem and why it hasn’t felt completely right when I’m painting.