I woke up but felt more exhausted than before I fell asleep. I’ve been too tired to even leave the apartment today. But I’m not worried, this seems to be a natural healing process for my recent stress. I’m just surrendering to it without making any resistance. I’m at the end point of this process of independence that I’ve been working on since early spring. I have worked really hard to get rid of self images where I’m submissive, wrapped in co-dependency or need an authority figure to lead my life in the right direction. I need to be my own authority figure (my own Goddess) and I have figured out why I’ve been so hungry for dependency when I’m totally allergic to the submissive position. I know all there is to know about my inner obstacles and what I have to do to overcome them. There are no more theories that needs to be thought out, there’s no more research to make about how to change from a learned submissive position to reach my own independence. I am at the edge of all my theories – all I need now is to practice them in real life, and I’m so uncomfortable by the thought. It’s a good sign. I NEED to be uncomfortable in order for a change to happen.
I have a great support system around me. I’ve never been closer to my parents than I am at this time in my life and it means the world to me. We’ve worked hard to reach a place of sincerity, friendship and acceptance. I’m very grateful for everything they’ve done for me during these last years of hardships and struggles. I don’t have many friends but I have a few girlfriends that I can talk to about anything and everything and they are there for me no matter what. It makes me a fortunate person, I don’t take friendships for granted because I’ve spent most of my life rather socially isolated. I do not click with many people. I have understood that I see too deep into other people and some (most) feel uncomfortable with that kind of intimacy and it requires a shared, equal vulnerability, something that threatens people a lot. So my isolation is not about avoidance, it is about a general disconnection with most people and I don’t want any disconnections in my life. I have some people I really click with in my life, both men and women and it is all I need from the world outside myself. I don’t need more.
Then there’s Johnny. Our talks are so dreamlike. The way we see each other and push each other out of our shells or hiding places, we feed on the warm energy it creates and use it to get stronger and more confident in ourselves. Our love is so much based on being seen and to see. To listen in order to understand and accept. To build and add to each other instead of taking. We usually talk for 4-6 hours during the weekends and our conversations are the most stimulating ones I’ve ever had with anybody. We laugh. Cry. Analyze things. We are being nerdy. Goofy. Intellectual. Creative. Artistic. Intimate. We don’t talk much about the future, we are one with the moment. It is amazing. Especially for me who’s been dissociative and lost in the symptoms of PTSD for a long time. I was never really present in the moment during those years. Only when I was making art and even that is like being somewhere else.
What I need to do now is to stop writing down theories and instead go out in the world and face my fears. Perhaps even all of them. One by one. First step is to find a job that will give me some financial relief so I won’t put so much pressure on myself to paint for an audience. I’m totally petrified when it comes to working with other people, but I have to trust that people won’t treat me badly just because I have so much bad experience of it in my past.
I can’t hide behind my notebooks anymore. I can’t be comfortable in my isolation anymore. I need to be uncomfortable if I want to live my life instead of avoiding it. I can’t wait to be all freaked out. I can’t wait to go against my anxiety and not listen to what it wants me to do and instead do what I need to do, to be able to reach the goals I’ve set for myself.
And there are things happening. I’m on my way. I’m collaborating with Candice Angelini, working on my new collection of works, planning my upcoming art show and on Tuesday my latest art interview will be posted (I’ll post a link on this blog). And there is my future with Johnny, always present in my heart like a happy little flame to feel when I’m having a bad day. I just need to get out of this place of being broke and stuck – then I’ll be able to reach all of the wonderful things that are waiting for me.