Each passing day brings something good with it. I feel grateful and happy because it wasn’t too long ago that I fell down one of the dark holes of my mind. The good thing is that I know how to avoid it now. Lately, I’ve been making research about values and the hierarchy of values and what I’ve been prioritizing as important and unimportant. For example;  if your most important value is security, then your behavior, your decisions and life choices will be based on the value and you will always embrace the feelings that the concept of security creates in you (happiness, feeling safe and content etc). But also – if your most important value is security, you’re likely to avoid the opposite values (being adventurous, make risky decisions and embrace the unknown etc). I made a list of the 5 things I value the most (in order of prioritization) and then another list of things I don’t put a high value and that I wish to avoid:

5 things I value the most:

1. Spiritual freedom & creativity
2. Feeling safe
3. Love
4. Happiness and mental stimulation
5. Harmony
6. Health

5 things I don’t put a high value on /things I want to avoid:

1. Being/feeling forced or pressured
2. Feeling/being unsafe
3. Social exclusion (group mentality etc)
4. A life without a motion forward (rigid routines and being stuck in a rut)
5. Feeling empty inside/unstimulated
6. Being unhealthy

Because these lists are of my most important values and the things I want to avoid, they are charge with a lot of feelings and associations – and as a result, they will create a conflict at times. I think I’ve been afraid to take a ‘real job’ because I’ve felt stressed by the idea of feeling forced to do things and it has also triggered the fear of possible social exclusion. Being an artist is the perfect way for me to reach my highest value – spiritual freedom, but it doesn’t make me feel safe, at least not economically, therefore there’s been a conflict within myself. Freedom or financial security?

Feeling unsafe is something I want to avoid – and it’s hard to do when you’re craving freedom. But there are ways to find a balance between the things I want the most and the things I least want. I just have to figure it all out. Perhaps I can achieve the feeling of spiritual freedom by simply being myself in a work place (something I have never tried before because of my fear of social exclusion) – or perhaps I’d feel safe if I learn more about starting my own business, so I can make money on my art without feeling unsafe and insecure about the money issue. I will make this a challenge for next year – to find satisfying compromises both in the wanted and in the unwanted. Because what’s really important to me is to reboot my art career and make a comeback in the art world, so I can be more successful with my art (and writing) and then move Johnny to Sweden so we can share our home in the same geographical place. And I want to feel safe. No more drama, conflicts, stress or mindless, self-destructive behavior. Those are the cornerstones of what I wish to achieve. The rest is gravy.