Working on delicate details, not much work left until I’m all done.
Category: ALL POSTS
Metaphysics
selfie from 2011
It’s a sensual Sunday. I feel part of its texture. And the softness of time slowly passing. One moment of peace after the other. I am painting. Perhaps I’ll be finished with it by tonight. It’s not much work left. Just detail work, touch-ups and finishing the most important part of the painting – the core – and the flames of the warmest part of the soul. It’s the first time I am making such a metaphysical reference in my art. I think it might be my new thing.
I may not be an expert when it comes to most things in life – but I do think I might be a scientist of the human soul. I will use my art and writing to show the results I’m finding on my quest to understanding its mysterious and magical nature and substance.
Me and Anaïs
These could be my words:
“To hell, to hell with balance! I break glasses; I want to burn, even if I break myself. I want to live only for ecstasy. I’m neurotic, perverted, destructive, fiery, dangerous – lava, inflammable, unrestrained.”
— Anaïs Nin
The road
To share but not to have
Working at the gallery is opening up many new places in my mind, not only when it comes to my own art, but also ideas for projects and possibilities I’ve never considered before. I’m having so much fun. I think I’ll finish my painting in a few days. I can’t wait to show it to you. After that, I have more ideas for paintings and drawings. I see them all in my head already.
It’s been a rough week for me and Johnny, it’s hard to be so far apart. Having a long distance relationship is not easy. People think that long distance relationships aren’t really real because of the lack of physical interactions, but at times it’s even more real than a relationship with someone who’s there with you since the only thing you are able to share is verbal communication. Talking is always good. It is the foundation for any healthy relationship. But it’s still hard to maintain a long distance relationship – especially when the missing turns into frustration and the frustration turns into all kinds of bad energies. But love will survive any obstacle, if there’s a two way effort to make it work. I’m happy to have found a man who’s willing to fight for me, no matter what comes our way. I feel lucky. But at times I feel lonely here on this side of the world. It’s the backside of a long distance relationship. To share but not to have. It’s a lot of dimensions getting lost in the void between us, but they are still there. I just wish I could feel his hand on my face right now, telling me that everything will be alright. Because it always will be, in the end.
Katie Kim ~ Wicked Game
The collage of a mindset
Someone made this quote pic of something I said in 2013
This is surreal. But I did make a good point though.
One of my favorite photos of myself [taken by an ex in 2006]
The change
When you’ve changed so much as I have, it’s hard to be confronted with something familiar to whatever you left behind. The familiarity of it is alluring because it feels like like home, but then there’s this uncomfortable and painful aftertaste that you can’t stand. Like an allergic reaction to old patterns and destructive elements.
It can be hard to face confrontations like this because it triggers a conflict of loyalty and a feeling compromising the change. The change you’ve worked so hard for.
But once you’ve changed, it’s impossible to go back. It’s like an old version of reality that has lost its substance and color. It doesn’t fit you anymore. And you don’t fit that reality. You never did.
I never did.
People be like
Many levels
This is a morning with many levels. I feel both pain and excitement. The past is sometimes only one truth away, chasing the present. Tearing it apart. And yet, I am so much more than the pain now. It’s just a detail. But some details have a very loud voice.
My day in pictures
Joan Osborne – Midnight Train to Georgia
På e si
På e si
R
Random rader
av
non sens
och
all var samma
saker
som lik
som
går på tvärs
att
läs
A
Å
C
vad?
som
finns
in nan för
bak
om bort om
som
insp i Re
Rar
själ 1
till
S
den stå r
i
bra
nd
- MIA MAKILA – 16
To be special and not ‘special’
Every day I surprise myself a little with my intellect and creativity. I was brainwashed and manipulated for so many years, to believe that I am stupid and incapable. That I am ‘special’ in that other way – ‘special’ like a freak. Manipulations are tricky and even if you are a smart person and even if you are very strong, there are ways for them to break you down and to groom your mind in order for them to match your thoughts with their twisted perception of things. It’s a slow process and you might not even register that it’s happening to you. And suddenly, you stop believing in yourself, you question your taste, your intellect and the value of your experiences – or you start doubting friendships, interests, hobbies, goals, dreams and desires. You lose the connection to the things you love – and instead it’s replaced by their judgment and vision of what’s right and wrong.
Here is a list of things some people close to me have manipulated me into believing:
- that I am not a real artist, it’s only a hobby
- that I have bad taste in movies, literature, music and just bad taste in general
- that I am too naive to be smart and strong
- that my seduction is an act, that is something to laugh about
- that I am incapable of being independent
- that I’m too stupid to be taken seriously
- that I’m too short and small as a person to be of significance
- that I’m unintelligent because I use my creativity and imagination where other people might focus on logic and ‘inside-the-box’ -thinking.
- that I can’t have sex because I demand too much of my lovers (to be connected, sensual, seductive and expressive)
- that I don’t deserve to be happy
- that I don’t deserve to be successful
- that I don’t deserve to express my sexuality
- that I don’t deserve to be popular
- that I don’t deserve to be loved
- that I am selfish
- that I am egocentric
- that I am ugly and gross when I put on some weight
- that I have no value as a writer
- that I am not allowed to call myself a writer
- that I should not be heard
- that I should not be seen
- that I am tragic because I’ve been depressed
- that I am difficult because I’ve been struggling with PTSD and traumas
- that I am a problem because I suffer panic attacks
- that I am a social misfit because I have a lot of integrity and don’t engage in social activities
- that I’m worthless
.
My art is the biggest part of who I am – it’s not a hobby nor does it make me a freak
.
The list is not a collection of my own words – these notions doesn’t reflect my own perception of myself. So I’ll let it all go. I’ll never look at myself that way ever again. I’m out of the manipulations. Their spell is broken. I am beautiful. Smart. Talented. My art is amazing, not a hobby but my legacy to the world. And I am special – in a positive way and not as a freak. Well, I don’t mind being called a freak if by freak you mean ‘I’m proud of who I am without apologizing for it!’. If so – then I’m a very proud freak!
That’s when I feel beautiful
My days are no longer a parade of dark tones – but instead they are a collection of beautiful nuances of fire and light, shifting and flashing like lightning inside me. I’m feeling strong – and very feminine. I am in sync with my sexual energy and it is woven into my thoughts, movements and creativity in the most delightful way. I never knew how much that energy means to me. I need to protect it and not lose the connection again.
I’m soon off for another workday at the gallery and tonight I’ll continue working on “The Core”. I haven’t had the proper time to paint lately, so I am feeling excited and all tingly just thinking about it. I need to get my hands dirty and be all covered in paint and charcoal again. That’s when I feel really beautiful.
Just my dad in the 70’s at a New Year’s eve party, looking like my art
My first art show [8 years old]
My very first art show happened when I was only 8 years old. It was a school project and me and my classmates were making colorful paper collages which would be displayed on a wall at the art museum in my hometown. The local newspaper did a little coverage of the thing and I was featured in a photo (the girl to the left) with a quote stating that I wanted to be a real artist one day. And that’s exactly what I’d become.
The morning palette
Tears of gratitude
I feel like crying. Not because I’m sad, but because I am feeling so moved by all the love I have in my life right now. I am not used to being so loved and respected. I have weeded out all the destructive people in my life. All the self proclaimed victims, emotional vampires, the energy thieves and the people who used me for their own selfish reasons. They are all gone. Now, I’m surrounding myself with real friends, genuine people who love to share themselves with me without any ulterior motives or manipulations. I feel very appreciated by the owner of the gallery where I’m doing my internship at the moment. It means a lot to me. My life is beautiful and I feel connected to every part of it – and very connected to myself. I don’t know why my life has been filled with so much pain and suffering, or why I’ve been treated like dirt by so many people – perhaps so that one day, I would be able to appreciate love and happiness this much. It’s a big contrast. The love I used to get was either harsh, or just indifferent and disconnected. The love I feel from people now is soft, warm and magnetic. I’ve been isolated for so long but now I’m starting to open up to people around me. I’ve been scared of being hurt again but I’ve learned that what I’ve experienced in my past is not normal or natural, therefore I must trust myself to know who’s trustworthy or not. And when I dare to trust someone who’s worthy of my trust and when I invest myself in them to place their trust in me as well, I finally find genuine beauty in other people. And great friendships. My days as an isolated person is over. My fear of being hurt is fading. And I owe it all to the wonderful people who have shown me the meaning of life through their persistent love and support; to just accept life for what it is and to be kind to everything and everyone in it – including myself.
“Victorian Beast” [2007]
“Victorian Beast” by Mia Makila, 2007 [mixed media on canvas]
Back to work!
!
“Painiverse” – My space suite [2013]
Selfie from 2013 – in the process of making the tough decision to let my life fall apart in order to unchain myself from my past
Before I made the decision to break free from the chains of my past and to leave my whole life behind to be able to start over in a new place – I was dealing with the heavy weight of this decision in a suite of digital images of Space, void, loneliness, distance and isolation – but also with a slow movement through the darkness – orbiting a core – the gravity of freedom.
“LOVERS LOST IN SPACE” by Mia Makila – digital
“SUCTION” by Mia Makila – digital
“ATTRACTION” by Mia Makila – digital
From my diary 2015:
The view from the top floor is nothing but a white sky. It’s too cloudy for me to be able to see beyond the whiteness. But there is a black stain somewhere in the white. I look closer. Now I can see that it is the smallest Universe. Space. Darker than anything I have ever seen. I realize that this little micro Universe is my pain. An old pain, it doesn’t exist anymore – and now it’s a memory in the shape of fear.
.
I suddenly understand that inside this dark Universe is everything I have ever known about myself. About life. About love. Pleasure. Happiness. It is so tiny – but when I am floating around in it – it feels infinite. Once I am inside it, it is a closed world, it becomes my everything and I become the only detail inside it. I can’t see that the world outside is infinite, and that I’m just swallowed up by a ridiculous little stain – insignificant even though it’s packed with pain. Once I am consumed with this world, swallowed up by it and reconciled with the pain, I feel free.
.
It’s just me and the dark void. Nothing else. I let go of any resistance. I let it take me deeper inside. I am so lost – but I feel part of something familiar and absolute. There is nothing but me and the familiarity of the darkness. Nothing can hurt me here. Because I am already floating through the pain or the memory of it.
.
It is my ‘Painiverse’.
.
.
Photos from a walk in the moonlight, a week after the break up 2014
.
The time right after my decision to break free, my life started to fall apart in the most wonderful way, and my digital art changed as well – the planets grew smaller and turned into important details in a new mythology that mirrored my new life. Here are works from 2014:
“The Taste of Time and Paranoia” (digital)
“NOT A PHALLUS” BY MIA MAKILA – 2015 (DIGITAL) Edition of 5, 40 x 44 cm, PRICE: 7500 SEK
Out of the Nothing Box (detail)
Out of the Nothing Box (digital)
I’m staring right into the eyes of death. Or love. Whatever. That’s when I feel your bullets hit me right in the heart. Bullets of fire. I can’t breathe. I don’t want to.
I can feel how everything is destroyed. Or saved. Or whatever. Blackbirds, blood moons, lion breaths, rotten flower beds – like fireworks above it all. Exploding within and inside.And I realize – I don’t know the difference between love and a beautiful murder. – MIA MAKILA, 2014
MIA MAKILA 