The importance of role models

Made with Square InstaPic Some of my favourite role models: Anne Shirley (the main character in L.M Montgomery’s novel Anne of Green Gables), Ingmar Bergman, J.K Rowling, Pippi Longstocking, Frida Kahlo and Edvard Munch.

Last week I made a list of my role models, to see if they have anything in common – and what that would say about me. What I found was actually quite surprising. My role models are a mix of artists, fictitious characters and creative personalities (I also included some scientists like Stephen Hawking and the whole institution of NASA. The Weta Workshop in New Zealand is the perfect example of the meeting point –where creativity, imagination, absolute dedication and respect for make-believe worlds come together) but they did have a great deal in common.

Most of them are survivors of both internal and external struggles; depression, anxiety, overcoming illnesses or some kind physical purgatory but also the struggle of maintaining their core beliefs and integrity in a society which doesn’t allow much space for that kind of genuine spiritual freedom. They refuse to victimize themselves although they are emotionally or physically crippled in some way – instead they embrace vulnerability and use it as a source of raw material to put into their work. Almost like a testimony of human nature – somewhere between the horror and supernaturalism of life itself.

My role models are ambitious, curious and focused and all that is woven into their creativity. They use it boldly to express themselves and to be seen in a world with closed eyes for whatever is painted outside the lines of conformity and any approved ideology. They are brave and courageous in that sense. As a teenager, I was obsessed with Madonna and her song Express Yourself was like my own private anthem of who I wanted to become and what I wanted to achieve in life; “Express yourself, so you can respect yourself”. My role models are individualists who are celebrating their true nature instead of hiding it behind mainstream ideals and ideas of appropriate decorum, perfectionism and conformity. They follow their own path. Uncompromisingly. They do things in unconventional ways and add humor and depth to it. Like Pippi and the way she goes about scrubbing her wooden floor. The boring task of house cleaning turns into a fun adventure. It is liberating.

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 The most striking feature my role models have in common – is their need to create magic. Reality can be harsh, raw and unforgivably hard at times – and the antidote is and has always been the product of human imagination. Religion, occultism and the fantasy worlds of artists, writers, musicians, dancers and actors have served as escapism and vicarious truth and realities since the dawn of humanity. Nietzsche claimed that “no artist tolerates reality”.

Anne Shirley in L.M Montgomery’s Anne of Green Gables (1908) creates her own magical worlds which allows her to escape the painful reality of being an orphan – and the misfortune of being a misfit with a deeper intellect and more vivid imagination than society allowed for a young girl at the time (doomed with red hair and all).

The need for instant transcendence and transformation is translated in the artist’s imagination and creativity as a gateway to a higher level of living and existing. A ‘homemade’ space of total freedom and a place where magic is allowed to happen without any threatening consequences and the adamant qualities of real life.

The artist creates a Universe in which he/she is both God and the vulnerable mortal, but with a sense of control of his/her own destiny. Like Alexander in the opening scene of Ingmar Bergman’s Fanny and Alexander (1982) where he is seeking magic beyond his own boredom of passing time (and ultimately the waste of life).

The results of my research about role models really surprised me –  I suddenly realized how much of them I can see in myself. I share a lot of qualities and strength that I admire and respect in these people. It kind of shocked me to see how much of them was reflected within myself. I am ambitious, brave, creative, I too am overcoming traumas and hard times without accepting the role of a permanent victim. I am searching for that spiritual freedom by following my own path. And I never thought I would discover just how important magic is to me. It made me think of the years of creativity blockages and mental paralysis – where I created my own worlds of magic at home – with interior decorating almost like backdrops or settings – where my imagination could run wild and free, until I was able to create art again (any moment now).

My “winter room” (which was featured in a local interior decorating magazine) in 2009:

and this is in my next home, a house in Stockholm, it’s the same room that I just kept transforming over and over again (2009-2014):

It is important to examine our role models and what they stand for – because it will expose something very vital about ourselves. They are there to remind us who we really are, beyond all the crap we are going through in life. They are our spiritual family where everything makes sense in the most comforting way.

And once in a while I get messages like this on Facebook:

My top 15 true crime documentaries

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The Staircase

I am crazy about true crime documentaries, here are some favorites (in no particular order):

  1. The StairCase (Soupçons)
  2. The Jinx
  3. Serial (podcast)
  4. The Paradise Lost trilogy
  5. Making a Murderer
  6. Crazy Love
  7. Tabloid
  8. Dear Zachary: A Letter to a son about his father
  9. There’s Something Wrong With Aunt Diane
  10. Murder on a Sunday morning
  11. Soaked in Bleach
  12. The Imposter
  13. Talhotblonde
  14. The most dangerous man in America
  15. Capturing the Friendmans
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Soaked In Bleach (2015)

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The Jinx (2015)

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There’s something wrong with aunt Diane (2011)

Learning how to say “Fuck it!”

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I’m slowly making progress in my process of self-empowerment.
I’ve made so much research about fear of failure – and fear of success that I now feel confident in my awareness about these mattes (both my weaknesses and my resources and strength) and I feel ready to embrace failure and welcome the benefits of making mistakes in order to become wiser and better at things.

“People who succeed have the courage to fail.”

– Richard Sudek

But the most important and valuable thing I’ve learned about fear of failure – and success, is to say “fuck it!” when it comes to what other people think or say about me and what I do. To not apologize for who I am or for the decisions I make in order to reach success. To not censor myself in order to make other people feel more comfortable or superior And to not feel responsible for other people’s opinions and judgment. Just “fuck it!” – I am who I am and I feel damn proud of myself! I’ve accomplished many amazing things already and I will achieve so many victories and successes in my future. The shame and humiliation of a possible failure – or the fear of being punished for being successful is slowly fading.

Fuck it!

Goal Blocks

I’m currently planning my comeback as an artist and and the long journey to success by breaking down the essential steps to be able to be more creative and to rebuild my career after the 7-year hiatus (due to creative blockages and being all burned out). It is important to do this slowly and methodically, otherwise I am putting my health and my whole future career at risk. If I rush it, I will just end up burned out again. It is frustrating, but I accept it – and now it’s just a matter of improving my self-esteem before I can get into that focus and flow that is necessary when striving for success.

In his book Outliers; The Story Of Success (2008), Malcom Gladwell states that it takes 10 000 hours of practice and preparations before you become really, really good at something – and add talent and a willingness to work extremely hard to that and you’ve got the recipe for success. Here is the ironic part: while being depressed and passive in my art career for so many years, I haven’t really been completely passive when it comes to creating art.

Because I couldn’t paint anymore (I just completely froze, every time I stood in front of the easel), I started to explore digital art instead and I’ve practiced and learned so much during these years and I’ve become really, really good. Since I started digging deeper into the digital media in 2012 during my creativity blockage, I’ve created over 60 digital artworks! While I was crying and being depressed because I couldn’t paint – I was slowly became an expert of making digital art. Funny.

And, I’ve also spent at least an hour every day writing on my blog – and I’ve been blogging for 11 years now, which may not be a big achievement in itself, but I have become very good at expressing myself through writing. It feels completely natural for me to write every day now – just as natural as painting or creating digital pieces.

And finally – if I hadn’t been depressed and creatively passive during these last 7 years, I wouldn’t have spent so much time binge watching so many American movies and TV-series and become this good at English.

So it all worked out fine in the end. I might have lost many years working as a successful artist – but now,  I’ve collected knowledge, practice and cleaned the mental palette of old energy, mannerism and distorted self-images. I’ve grown and matured both as a person and as an artist.

At some point 7 years ago, I just stopped believing in myself – and that is the true death to an artist or any creative person. I will never make that mistake again. Nothing and nobody can stop me from achieving all my goals and dreams now. This is my time to not only rebuild my old career – but to design and create a new one.

Slowly.

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Rising

I’m feeling peculiarly quiet and withdrawn. Once again, I am overwhelmed by old emotions released in my self-empowerment work. I feel so much gratitude for what I have – and for who I have become, but there is also a sense of grief about who I used to be. I am letting her go. It’s been a long and slow process of change and transformation – but at times I get anxious, because I change so drastically and so fast – within this slow process. It’s confusing. I am also changing the way I speak – I am spending my days rather isolated from the world around me, watching lectures, movies and TV series all in English, talking to my boyfriend in California – in English, I am always writing in English and last night I had my first dream at night playing out in English. I am starting to become more Americanized than I am Swedish. Of course, it only adds to my confusion. But my future is not here, in Sweden – I know that. I can feel a gravity towards land far away from here. I don’t fit in here, I never have and I never will. It’s not a complaint – it’s a fact.

I have made some remarkable discoveries about my relationship to failure – and success; I used to think I was scared of failure – that the fear of failure was holding me back – that perhaps it could even be the root of my creativity blockage. But I’ve discovered something quite puzzling; I am more afraid of success than of failure. I used to be successful, in fact I was living my dream as a celebrated artist. But my life looked very different back then, I don’t want to get into it – but I can tell you that I wasn’t only celebrated  – I was also severely humiliated and punished for my achievements and success. Since I was already suffering from PTSD -it was more than I could handle at the time. I simply gave into the shame, the humiliation – the fear of more negative reactions. So I stopped. It all. Making art, selling paintings – I stopped believing in myself. I was broken. Completely. Success tasted like hate and punishment. Why would I want to strive for more of it?

I guess, unconsciously, I’v been avoiding success and artistic expression  because I have been scared of the hate storm that came with it the last time.

As I am rediscovering my strength and dignity, I am also finding protection against the negative energies around me. I am fighting the fear of success in order to pursuit even more of it. I’ve already proved to myself that I can do it – and this time I will do it the right way – I will be in control of the success instead of letting the success control me. I am not ready yet, but I will be very soon.

This is an exciting process. It makes me feel potent and alive.

Friday 1 pm

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Making research about success in my kitchen

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Original Fanny & Alexander poster

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My digital workspace – and my beautiful soulmate on the desktop

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My bedroom and lots of light, at 1 pm

Delete

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Stockholm, 2011, in another time, with a different energy

 

I’m going through a phase right now where I just want to delete everything from my past. Since I feel so much regret about almost everything in my life the past 18 years, I just want to get rid of anything that reminds me of it. It’s not that I’m denying what happened, or who I used to be – but I want to clean out all the negative associations, all the old energies, before I can start over with my art again. It’s important to me, for some reason. I’ve deleted all photos of old boyfriends, I’ve stored away my DVD collection in boxes, cleared my closet from old clothes with smaller sizes so I won’t feel bad about how my body looks right now, stopped eating the food I used to eat, deleted old music lists and replaced them with classical music. Since I’m starting over with my art and I really am in a new place in my life – I want the energy to be just right – pure and focused, not stained with regret or bad energy.

In a way, hitting rock bottom two years ago was the best thing that could ever happen to me. It gave me the opportunity to reflect and think about where I wanted to go next. My life’s journey was interrupted and I was no longer part of the path I had been following for many years. Instead, I had to create a new path. I feel grateful. And lucky. Even though I’m broke and dealing with the aftermath of traumas and being burned out – I feel like I am in the exact right place at the right time in my life. Sure, it’s frustrating at times – and painful, but I’m healing and creating a life that feels amazing, and for that I am grateful.

The best thing about falling down, failing and living in the consequences of a broken life, is that there is no other way than up from there. And you can’t fear rock bottom anymore since you’ve already been there. It’s not that bad, if you decide to see it as experience and learn something from it –  and use it to create something wonderful and beyond your own expectations.

Regret

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This week has been intense even if I barely left the apartment at all. I don’t think I’ve met anyone other than my dad this week. I’ve been isolating myself on purpose. To go through this process of self-empowerment – to really break through the old layers of self-images, false convictions and warped perspectives on myself and the world, I have to have the biggest dedication to the task and an intense focus – otherwise I won’t find any clarity and enough strength to actually change my behaviour and way of thinking. I love to be really focused, to make research and to dig deeper into something that fascinates me. I would make an excellent scientist if I had any talent for logic. But I don’t. My mind is too wild and free.

There is, however, an overwhelming side effect to go this deep into the process of healing; the clarity and the realizations makes everything you’ve gone through look completely real and raw, in some kind of harsh daylight. I can see every mistake I’ve ever made, every bad decision, every toxic relationship and its destructive anatomy, every persona I’ve ever created to adjust to a life I felt trapped in and I can see why it was so hard for me to break free – and it’s painful. Overwhelmed with emotions and nowhere to direct it. I have cried a lot this week, but I’m not sad, not really. I’m just waking up, and it’s a rude awakening. It’s a constant stream of awakenings when you are healing.

But I do feel a lot of regret. In fact, I think I regret everything in my whole adult life up to the point where I fell in love with my best friend last year. It was the first time I’ve ever felt truly seen, by anyone, ever and it inspire me to look deeper into myself, beyond who I have been and who I wish to become – it was the first time I saw myself that way.

I’m sure it’s unhealthy to feel regret, to feel nauseous and claustrophobic while thinking about the past, but I can’t help it. I regret it all. The relationships, the sex, the lifestyles I had, the way I saw the world, my taste in music, clothes, friendships, how I acted on social media, blog posts, selfies, old flirts and flings, phone calls and Skype talks. I regret food I use to eat, routines I used to have, art I used to like, celebrities I used to look up to, attitudes I had and belief systems I followed. I regret it all.

But I’m not bitter – in fact I feel liberated. I feel free.

I won’t isolate myself much longer, I’m soon done with this phase of the process, I can feel it. I’m gathering new energy, pure and raw, that’s why I need solitude and silence to clean the old energies out of my system.  Then I will start making art again, for real this time. And perhaps be a little more social.

I see my feelings of regret and the way my heart gets a little panicked when I think about everything I used to be, know and believe – as a perfect guideline to my next destination on my inner journey. That way, it will be a positive thing.

Sir Anthony Hopkins Hears The Waltz He Wrote 50 Years Ago For The First Time

This is beautiful. I’m fascinated by the fear many artists have about their talent and creativity – it’s almost easier to just ignore what we were born to do and what makes us beautiful and unique than to be humiliated by the possible shame of failure.

Before the Academy award-winning Welsh star Anthony Hopkins became an actor he was a musician but was too afraid to hear his waltz played at the time.

In 2014, Sir Anthony Hopkins watched Dutch violinist Andre Rieu bring the waltz the actor had written as a nineteen-year old soaring into life at the prestigious Belverdere Palace in Vienna.

Building an invisible house

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I made this image to illustrate my process of self-empowerment

I’m taking big steps in my self therapy – which I will refer to as ‘self-empowerment’ from now on. I am on a different journey now than during the years I lived with the PTSD where the cruel symptoms ruled my every day life.

During my abusive marriage, 2003

I might not be the smartest person in the world, I might not know much about anything really – but I am an expert when it comes to the process of losing the connection to oneself – and finding a way back. It’s been taking me about 15 years to accomplish that.

My old journey was to overcome PTSD and my new journey is all about reclaiming life and the power I lost to other people by accepting (and encouraging) a submissive position.

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2009

It all comes down to vulnerability. For a long period of time, I was trapped in various situations where it was forced on me from many directions. Vulnerability became the texture of my identity – and so also the visual expression of myself. I couldn’t see it. I was busy reliving trauma every day because of the PTSD (that I didn’t knew I suffered from at the time). But the vulnerability was the only thing I could offer men in relationships, I confused it for warmth and love – and so I attracted the narcissists, the aggressive ones, the assholes, the ‘strong silent’ men without any empathy – and the broken souls in denial with a tough exterior to overcompensate for their own vulnerability issues.

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2010

I payed the price for their repressed pain or for their lack of emotions – and I let them. I gave them my vulnerability as a currency so they could buy my loyalty, love and sexuality with it, over and over, without losing any of their own currency. I cared so much, they didn’t care at all. I risked my life for them, they neglected me and took no risks at all. I thought that love would either ‘make me or break me’ – they thought of me as a submissive addition to their lives which had no real influence on their hearts. Indifference is a perfect armor, it allows no emotional risks at all. I can’t relate to it  – it’s a blind spot for me. I was an easy target for their selfish conquests when it came to what my vulnerability was worth – and  how it was perceived. They were addicted to it – and it made me look weak so they could look stronger, better and smarter.

Therefore, the first step to self-empowerment is self-forgiveness. I have forgiven myself for being so careless with my vulnerability and for letting men do whatever they want with it.

And with self-acceptance – where I am accepting both my weaknesses – and seeing my vulnerability as something precious that I have to protect and maintain (which, ironically, makes it shrink) and my strengths and resources (where vulnerability is a great one if handled with care) – I have a good foundation for what I need to achieve success, happiness and self-fulfillment.

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2015

It’s not a random coincidence that my recent artworks all have houses in them – and that I registered my new website as “The House of Mia Makila”. I am slowly building an invisible house around myself – a protection of inner strength and an uncompromising integrity – an empowerment of everything I am – to myself and to the world.

Iceland (digital)

Iceland (digital)

About a different kind of starvation

Photo found on tumblr

I think it’s strange that when we talk about starvation, it’s always about the physical connection to food. But we rarely talk about how that nagging sensation of hunger, desperation and frustration can be felt in other places than in our tummies.

When we neglect our needs, we feel like something is missing – and it creates a void inside. Just like we feel when we are hungry for food. It’s a sneaky thing, the process of losing ourselves to the greyness of every day life routines,  compromises in relationships, shame, fear or any place where we can’t really feel free to be ourselves all the way. We adjust ourselves to the course of life and direction or stagnation of our ambitions. But it’s easy to overlook needs or desires when life feels like a train ride without any stops. It’s easy to lose the connection between mind and body or mind and soul, and that’s when we’re slowly creating a starvation somewhere inside. You can’t feel it happening until you are faced with the suction of the void. And the void is not talking. It’s confusing. Annoying. Frustrating. You don’t know what is missing. So you overcompensate with other things. You create renovation projects and home improvement, you have another baby, you put more hours into work, you shop or try to buy yourself free of the void – for the moment and there’s a sense of satisfaction but not the sensation of true fulfillment.

I’ve been starving for many things throughout my adult life and in various relationships. For intimacy. Sex. Intellectual stimulation. For artistic growth. Self acceptance. Closure. Friendship. Relief of shame and guilt. Genuine love. Pleasure. Happiness.

The starvation made me feel angry, bitter and depressed. I didn’t know why I felt that way so it left me feeling helpless and broken.

It wasn’t until I started to listen to my inner voice – my core – and began my journey in therapy that I could see how lost I was while I was overcompensating with the substitutions or the instant satisfaction that never lasted very long.

I am slowly approaching all of my starvations, trying to feed my needs or at least acknowledge them. It isn’t easy to stay true to who you really are in this time of age when we’re constantly being hacked by norms, social stress, mainstream ideals and pre- packaged lifestyles but it is possible.

You just need to create a little space for yourself where your thoughts and feelings can float through you without any judgements or shame. That’s all it takes to start filling the nagging void inside.

A slow process

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Suddenly I don’t know what to write here. I have so much to tell you., but perhaps I’ll save it all for a future book, I don’t know. What I’ve gone through these last few years has been overwhelming and fascinating. A journey from being totally lost within myself to a place of inner peace and enlightenment.

But I’m not gonna stop writing or posting. I still have a lot to tell you here. I am still slowly approaching my art and my creativity. And it’s a big deal for me. I have to say that I never thought it would be so hard to come back after being burned out and blocked. It’s all connected to losing the connection to myself and my core, but as long as I am making progress in my self therapy work, I am also getting closer to my creativity -and I’m finally losing the heavy weight of expectations, self doubt and the feeling of constant failure when things are not going my way.

I can only paint for a few hours until I’m drained and tired. But it’s OK, I’ve accepted it and surrendered to this slow process of finding the right energy and focus I need to be able to get into the wonderful flow of creating. I really miss it.