I’m feeling peculiarly quiet and withdrawn. Once again, I am overwhelmed by old emotions released in my self-empowerment work. I feel so much gratitude for what I have – and for who I have become, but there is also a sense of grief about who I used to be. I am letting her go. It’s been a long and slow process of change and transformation – but at times I get anxious, because I change so drastically and so fast – within this slow process. It’s confusing. I am also changing the way I speak – I am spending my days rather isolated from the world around me, watching lectures, movies and TV series all in English, talking to my boyfriend in California – in English, I am always writing in English and last night I had my first dream at night playing out in English. I am starting to become more Americanized than I am Swedish. Of course, it only adds to my confusion. But my future is not here, in Sweden – I know that. I can feel a gravity towards land far away from here. I don’t fit in here, I never have and I never will. It’s not a complaint – it’s a fact.

I have made some remarkable discoveries about my relationship to failure – and success; I used to think I was scared of failure – that the fear of failure was holding me back – that perhaps it could even be the root of my creativity blockage. But I’ve discovered something quite puzzling; I am more afraid of success than of failure. I used to be successful, in fact I was living my dream as a celebrated artist. But my life looked very different back then, I don’t want to get into it – but I can tell you that I wasn’t only celebrated  – I was also severely humiliated and punished for my achievements and success. Since I was already suffering from PTSD -it was more than I could handle at the time. I simply gave into the shame, the humiliation – the fear of more negative reactions. So I stopped. It all. Making art, selling paintings – I stopped believing in myself. I was broken. Completely. Success tasted like hate and punishment. Why would I want to strive for more of it?

I guess, unconsciously, I’v been avoiding success and artistic expression  because I have been scared of the hate storm that came with it the last time.

As I am rediscovering my strength and dignity, I am also finding protection against the negative energies around me. I am fighting the fear of success in order to pursuit even more of it. I’ve already proved to myself that I can do it – and this time I will do it the right way – I will be in control of the success instead of letting the success control me. I am not ready yet, but I will be very soon.

This is an exciting process. It makes me feel potent and alive.

My version of Saturday night fun!

Stockholm, 2011, in another time, with a different energy

I’m going through a phase right now where I just want to delete everything from my past. Since I feel so much regret about almost everything in my life the past 18 years, I just want to get rid of anything that reminds me of it. It’s not that I’m denying what happened, or who I used to be – but I want to clean out all the negative associations, all the old energies, before I can start over with my art again. It’s important to me, for some reason. I’ve deleted all photos of old boyfriends, I’ve stored away my DVD collection in boxes, cleared my closet from old clothes with smaller sizes so I won’t feel bad about how my body looks right now, stopped eating the food I used to eat, deleted old music lists and replaced them with classical music. Since I’m starting over with my art and I really am in a new place in my life – I want the energy to be just right – pure and focused, not stained with regret or bad energy.

In a way, hitting rock bottom two years ago was the best thing that could ever happen to me. It gave me the opportunity to reflect and think about where I wanted to go next. My life’s journey was interrupted and I was no longer part of the path I had been following for many years. Instead, I had to create a new path. I feel grateful. And lucky. Even though I’m broke and dealing with the aftermath of traumas and being burned out – I feel like I am in the exact right place at the right time in my life. Sure, it’s frustrating at times – and painful, but I’m healing and creating a life that feels amazing, and for that I am grateful.

The best thing about falling down, failing and living in the consequences of a broken life, is that there is no other way than up from there. And you can’t fear rock bottom anymore since you’ve already been there. It’s not that bad, if you decide to see it as experience and learn something from it –  and use it to create something wonderful and beyond your own expectations.

Making research about the fear of failure and fear of success so I will be able to make art without feeling any discomfort or stress.

This is beautiful. I’m fascinated by the fear many artists have about their talent and creativity – it’s almost easier to just ignore what we were born to do and what makes us beautiful and unique than to be humiliated by the possible shame of failure.

Before the Academy award-winning Welsh star Anthony Hopkins became an actor he was a musician but was too afraid to hear his waltz played at the time.

In 2014, Sir Anthony Hopkins watched Dutch violinist Andre Rieu bring the waltz the actor had written as a nineteen-year old soaring into life at the prestigious Belverdere Palace in Vienna.

Fascinating. My anxiety is always based in the area between the fear and the shame.