Dangling

Climax

[Alfred Hitchcock’s “North By Northwest” 1959 – the Mount Rushmore scene]

I had no idea that letting go of the past and my destructive behavioral patterns would be this hard to do.  It is very painful and so difficult to break through the fear that has been my stalking shadow for almost 20 years. Letting go of the past and the person I was back then is actually much harder to do than when I was dealing with it in therapy. Then I was investigating myself and the tragic events that had happened to me. With the understanding that followed I had to accept the things I found. Once I knew something new about myself, it was impossible to go back to the way I used to be. I have been moving forward, mentally and emotionally, for years. Every day.

But even if I can’t go back to how my I used to live my life – it is difficult to start something new, with a new ‘thinking style’, new behavior, new boundaries and new perspective on things (and myself). Here is the place to change and it doesn’t happened just because you reached that place. You need to work hard. Harder, than ever. To let go, is to stop holding on to things that are familiar to you, everything you know about yourself and the world around you.

And you have to decide whether you want to hold on to things that are uncomfortably comfortable, things that makes you feel safe and trapped at the same time, or if you want to let go and it’s scary as hell and you don’t know what’s waiting on the other side but you know you just can’t go on like this anymore.

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It leaves you dangling on the edge of a cliff for a while. That’s where I am right now. Looking down to see if I can ensure myself that once I let go, I won’t hurt myself, but I can’t see anything, my fear is blocking the view like a heavy fog.

As long as I am fooling myself that I am more safe on the edge of the cliff than to risk hurting myself when I fall, I won’t be able to let go.

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I am feeling so vulnerable and fragile right now, dangling off this cliff and here – at this very place, where I am so exposed, I have to fight my fear, like fighting a dragon, to finally just let go and hope for the best.

I know I am being brave, but I just feel like crying.

My declaration of independence

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I am at the end of the road on my old journey, and before I can begin a new adventure – a new journey within myself, I have to have closure on this one. I am in the process of letting go, of old behavioral patterns from a time I was abused and they worked as defense mechanisms and survival strategies which were helpful at the time but now they are nothing but obstacles and mental scars I have to heal by changing them. It’s like I am rewiring my brain.

I am also letting go of a distorted self image that the abusers created for me through their manipulation and psychological abuse. It includes the way I let them do that to me, allowing them to destroy almost all of me. Not all the way, because I am still here, stronger than ever. Stronger – but also more vulnerable and sensitive to aggressiveness and stress. I am letting go of the aggressive and passive aggressive type of people I was so attracted to in my past – and the destructive relationships that was a result of that.

I can use the things I am letting go of, as my declaration of independence. A manifesto for my future, for who I am becoming and perhaps it can inspire you as well.

I am letting go of

  • Inviting people inside who are warm and welcoming and in the next moment they are cold and full of rejection.
  • Allowing them to be superior to me and I am forced into a position of a submission.
  • Power games / power struggles.
  • That they refuse to listen to what my voice has to say and to my needs and wishes and that the relationship is all about their wants and needs.
  • Being a slave to somebody else’s mood swings or selfish wishes.
  • To believe I have to be responsible for other people’s bad behavior and feel like it’s my fault that they can’t control themselves around me.
  • Inviting people inside who intimidate me or who I feel I can’t trust because they scare me with their unpredictable behavior.
  • Worrying about not being good enough.
  • To be ‘spellbound’ by other people or emotionally kidnapped (part of manipulation) so I lose myself and my identity.
  • To be in something that doesn’t feel right, to do things that doesn’t feel right.
  • Be part of any “dance of death” with someone – in a toxic dance where I am being attacked and forced to defend myself all the time.
  • Allowing anyone to have power over me or to demand things from me that I am not comfortable with.
  • Allowing anyone to punish me.
  • To feel like I am owned or trapped by someone.
  • To obey someone’s wishes because of their intimidation or punishments.
  • To feel too scared to be able express myself and my needs.
  • Trying to heal or help self-proclaimed ‘victims’ and grown up babies (a victim never wants to be helped even if he’s asking for help, because then he can’t be the victim anymore and that’s how he gets what he wants).
  • Allowing anyone to drag me down to the dark trauma-pit again where I am sucked down because they force me to feel that familiar position of being helpless and worthless.
  • The disease to please.
  • The idea that I only deserve to be loved if I sacrifice something inside myself.
  • Doubting myself and my value.

Once I can let go of all this (it might take some time to rewire the brain), I have a clean space in my mind to begin a new adventure.

Liberation of the soul

It’s been a strange month. It is like I have been creating a new life for myself in my new apartment, and at the same time, fate is rearranging the rest of the pieces to fit my new life. It’s all slowly coming together now. I’m putting my past to rest. Dealing with the last demons, trying to make friends with them before I bury them for good. I am always trying to understand things, make research and dissect whatever is bothering me, before I let it go. When it makes sense to me, it won’t haunt me anymore.

tumblr_n8duz4nAIw1r3h6rqo1_500Letting go of destructive patterns, relationships and thoughts is very difficult. Change can only happen if you are willing to let go of what you know and surrender yourself to the unknown. We hold on to these bad things because they are familiar to us, it is what we know, and somehow we tell ourselves that it’s working, that we gain something by holding on to it. We only repeat destructive behavior or stay in toxic relationships because we think we somehow need it, that it serves a purpose. When we are ready to see that we are unhappy because of it, then we can finally look for a way out – and then how to let go.

I try to liberate my soul. To make it breathe without inhaling fear or a sense of being in the wrong place or feeling uncomfortable with decisions that I’ve made (or not made). It is all up to me to set it free. There is no religion, no other person, there is no shortcut that will help me do what I have to do – Only I have the power to change so I can be happy and free inside.

A friend of mine died yesterday and I found out about it this morning. It made me think about what really matters to me, and what I have in my life. I am gonna hold on to that and get rid of everything else, things that doesn’t matter, relationships that makes me unhappy and drained, superficial problems and old ideals that feels – old and all used up.

It’s time to let go of the bad. And it’s time to focus on celebrating the good.

The times they are a-changin’

It feels like everything is changing right now. I am changing, the seasons are changing, the world seems to be going through a lot of political changes right now as well. I love changes but there is always a little pain involved when you or your world is changing. It is only through that pain or discomfort that change is even possible, without an effort or acceptance, change is impossible or wasted and turned into denial, indifference and bitterness.

I am always moving forward, always looking for improvement and exploration. But I think I am always looking for something that feels like home – in anything I do.

I am letting go of an old thinking style and old ideas of who I am and who I was in my past. That person feels like a total stranger to me now, and when I’m confronted by her old behavior and values, I feel confused and a little embarrassed, because it’s like a Neanderthal version of myself.

I’m letting go of an old intellect, with thoughts and feelings that were born in the mind of a victim of domestic abuse and humiliation. I’m letting go of being a survivor – always on guard and defensive because I was so used to being hurt and betrayed. That costume doesn’t fit me anymore, it even smells really bad.

I’m learning how to just be me in the world, without having to carry the heavy baggage of my past with me wherever I go. It’s time to store it away and to not let it follow me around.

It’s time to create a new thinking style for myself – and to hold on to everything that feels like home and get rid of the rest.

Grateful

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[Writing notes and planning my new life]

I’ve been letting go of my past and the pain for many years now but it’s only recently that I’ve been able to live without the struggle or the step-by-step mental and emotional recovery. That is what it’s like to let go – to really let go: you just throw yourself out there, take a leap of faith, you keep on falling and hope for the best. It is the scariest thing I’ve ever done but it’s also the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. Life has become easy to live, I can finally breathe again without choking on the fear. The best thing about letting go, is the freedom and time released, time I used to spend on worrying, over thinking things, being tense and feeling anxious. Now I have all this time to spend on designing a new life for myself. A life I want and need to feel free and happy. And I feel so grateful. I’ve had some shitty years and the last couple of years have been a slow and painful turning point – but at the same time, I’ve never felt stronger or more alive. To lose everything made me find new things, things that I never knew I needed in order to feel happy. So I feel grateful that I was brave enough to leave everything I’ve ever known behind and to let go of the past. I feel like I’ve seen the rotten heart of life, now I want to explore the radiant core of it.

There are some days where I feel so overwhelmed by it all. In a good way. I have so much love in my life – real and solid love, I am free to do whatever I want with my life, and I have my health. I just feel so grateful. Life is magical, and I will add more magic to it with my new art.