Dangling

Climax

[Alfred Hitchcock’s “North By Northwest” 1959 – the Mount Rushmore scene]

I had no idea that letting go of the past and my destructive behavioral patterns would be this hard to do.  It is very painful and so difficult to break through the fear that has been my stalking shadow for almost 20 years. Letting go of the past and the person I was back then is actually much harder to do than when I was dealing with it in therapy. Then I was investigating myself and the tragic events that had happened to me. With the understanding that followed I had to accept the things I found. Once I knew something new about myself, it was impossible to go back to the way I used to be. I have been moving forward, mentally and emotionally, for years. Every day.

But even if I can’t go back to how my I used to live my life – it is difficult to start something new, with a new ‘thinking style’, new behavior, new boundaries and new perspective on things (and myself). Here is the place to change and it doesn’t happened just because you reached that place. You need to work hard. Harder, than ever. To let go, is to stop holding on to things that are familiar to you, everything you know about yourself and the world around you.

And you have to decide whether you want to hold on to things that are uncomfortably comfortable, things that makes you feel safe and trapped at the same time, or if you want to let go and it’s scary as hell and you don’t know what’s waiting on the other side but you know you just can’t go on like this anymore.

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It leaves you dangling on the edge of a cliff for a while. That’s where I am right now. Looking down to see if I can ensure myself that once I let go, I won’t hurt myself, but I can’t see anything, my fear is blocking the view like a heavy fog.

As long as I am fooling myself that I am more safe on the edge of the cliff than to risk hurting myself when I fall, I won’t be able to let go.

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I am feeling so vulnerable and fragile right now, dangling off this cliff and here – at this very place, where I am so exposed, I have to fight my fear, like fighting a dragon, to finally just let go and hope for the best.

I know I am being brave, but I just feel like crying.

My declaration of independence

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I am at the end of the road on my old journey, and before I can begin a new adventure – a new journey within myself, I have to have closure on this one. I am in the process of letting go, of old behavioral patterns from a time I was abused and they worked as defense mechanisms and survival strategies which were helpful at the time but now they are nothing but obstacles and mental scars I have to heal by changing them. It’s like I am rewiring my brain.

I am also letting go of a distorted self image that the abusers created for me through their manipulation and psychological abuse. It includes the way I let them do that to me, allowing them to destroy almost all of me. Not all the way, because I am still here, stronger than ever. Stronger – but also more vulnerable and sensitive to aggressiveness and stress. I am letting go of the aggressive and passive aggressive type of people I was so attracted to in my past – and the destructive relationships that was a result of that.

I can use the things I am letting go of, as my declaration of independence. A manifesto for my future, for who I am becoming and perhaps it can inspire you as well.

I am letting go of

  • Inviting people inside who are warm and welcoming and in the next moment they are cold and full of rejection.
  • Allowing them to be superior to me and I am forced into a position of a submission.
  • Power games / power struggles.
  • That they refuse to listen to what my voice has to say and to my needs and wishes and that the relationship is all about their wants and needs.
  • Being a slave to somebody else’s mood swings or selfish wishes.
  • To believe I have to be responsible for other people’s bad behavior and feel like it’s my fault that they can’t control themselves around me.
  • Inviting people inside who intimidate me or who I feel I can’t trust because they scare me with their unpredictable behavior.
  • Worrying about not being good enough.
  • To be ‘spellbound’ by other people or emotionally kidnapped (part of manipulation) so I lose myself and my identity.
  • To be in something that doesn’t feel right, to do things that doesn’t feel right.
  • Be part of any “dance of death” with someone – in a toxic dance where I am being attacked and forced to defend myself all the time.
  • Allowing anyone to have power over me or to demand things from me that I am not comfortable with.
  • Allowing anyone to punish me.
  • To feel like I am owned or trapped by someone.
  • To obey someone’s wishes because of their intimidation or punishments.
  • To feel too scared to be able express myself and my needs.
  • Trying to heal or help self-proclaimed ‘victims’ and grown up babies (a victim never wants to be helped even if he’s asking for help, because then he can’t be the victim anymore and that’s how he gets what he wants).
  • Allowing anyone to drag me down to the dark trauma-pit again where I am sucked down because they force me to feel that familiar position of being helpless and worthless.
  • The disease to please.
  • The idea that I only deserve to be loved if I sacrifice something inside myself.
  • Doubting myself and my value.

Once I can let go of all this (it might take some time to rewire the brain), I have a clean space in my mind to begin a new adventure.