Yesterday feels like a black hole in my mind. I feel emotionally hungover. Something happened and triggered my PTSD symptoms and I was sucked back into the trauma again. Starting over with an new love, in a new relationship is hard for me. Trust is so very difficult, and accepting real love and to be loved without waiting for a betrayal or to be prepared to be humiliated, is even harder.
My trauma didn’t happen in a dark alley somewhere downtown, or in a park at night. My trauma happened right in the trust and in the love I thought I shared with the man I had let inside my heart. Love was the scene of the crime.
And now, when I have overcome the PTSD and the person I’d become because of the fear and the constant humiliation, I choose to love again, whole heartily and totally, and for the first time I am willing to accept the unconditionally love from another man – even though I am more used to neglect or aggressiveness than love. I feel more at home in humiliation than in tenderness. I feel more comfortable with waiting for the disrespect than to feel respected. And I don’t understand the concept of love as it is supposed to feel – warm, sensual, naked and intimate. It’s all I ever wanted – but I don’t speak the language of accepting it.
Now, I am forced to revisit my crime scene, not in the dark alley or in the park at night, but in trusting love again. It is hard and excruciatingly painful at times. In situations where I am so used to being ridiculed or ignored, I have to accept to just be seen – as I really am, and accepted and loved. It’s like preparing yourself to be hit by a train that’s coming right at you, but instead of the crash, somebody is holding you, and won’t let go until you understand that you are completely safe and there’s no train in sight.
To be safe to feel vulnerable – is the most beautiful thing I have experienced but it is also the scariest thing you could do after a trauma (or in my case, two). I am scared to death of being betrayed, but I am brave enough to risk it. I am doing it. I am going against my fear, I am ignoring the PTSD and the old behavioral patterns I repeated in my past – I am letting go – and starting over.
It’s so fucking scary.
And so incredibly wonderful.