Part of my self-acceptance process is to find a way to make friends with my demons. To accept them rather than trying to eliminate them (that’s not possible anyway). I’m also dealing with this process in a secret writing project. Once again, my creativity is helping me get through something difficult and powerful. I am so grateful. I am also painting and trying not to judge the results. My new attitude is that everything I produce has some good in it. And why aim for making a masterpiece or the ‘best painting I’ve ever done’ – why put so much pressure on myself? It’s crazy. However a painting turns out – it’s good enough – and I am good enough. I don’t have to be more than that. I guess this means that I am making friends with my “good girl” demon. I know why she’s like that, why she’s looking for perfection and where she is coming from. It’s the classic “good girl” complex from childhood family patterns.
I’ve been feeling responsible for other people’s happiness and looking for their approval all my life. To satisfy their need to feel safe or seen and to make them feel connected to things. I guess that behavior has spilled over into my art as well, trying to satisfy my audience. I’ve been writing about this before. I only need to satisfy myself and to enjoy myself while painting. I don’t need to be or to do more than that. It’s such a simple equation but for me it’s very difficult to change this behavior that’s been so ingrained in my way of thinking and being. But I am doing my best.
I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I keep waking up with anxiety and I’ve started to grind my teeth in my sleep. I’m waking up in the morning, all tense and tired. I hope I can find a job soon, it’s not good for me to be alone like this, all days and nights. I miss Johnny so terribly. It feels so unnatural to have your love living a separate life on the other side of the world. As soon as I’ll get an income we will start the process with the migration board. Can’t wait.
Making friends with my demons – with my anxiety and fear, is not easy. But I can’t have them as my enemies anymore, or they’ll kill me (probably in my sleep).