I am starting to feel very hopeful, like my hope is more resilient now –  balanced between a new acceptance and a forceful will to get [the hell] out of this place where I’ve been stuck for some time. But even though it’s been frustrating, I’ve learned a lot about myself and how my body and mind reacts to feeling stuck, stressed and powerless. I know when and how I get into a vulnerable position where I lose my self-esteem and faith in myself – where I lose my faith when it comes to life in general. Therefore, I will be able to save myself from ever becoming this vulnerable again. It is a comforting thought. Dealing with economical, mental, physical and emotional vulnerabilities at the same has been the heaviest task I’ve ever had to take on. But at least I am doing it. I am working my way through it all. I am grateful to myself, for being strong enough to do all this without giving up or giving into the fear or the helplessness I’ve felt at times. I can’t believe I was so close to giving up, only a week ago. I didn’t know that finding closure in the most painful place was so important. Now, I regret that I didn’t do it sooner, but perhaps I wasn’t ready to do it then. Everything happens for a reason, every decision leads to a new place – and the lack of making one is one of the most dangerous traps in life. It makes you stuck. Miserable. It makes you stay when you should go. It makes you tolerate things you shouldn’t. It makes you scared of the light instead of the dark. It weakens your inner voice. It kills your hope.

I am out of all that now. I’m finally feeling hopeful. Now, it’s up to me to do something about this new hope. Otherwise it’s a waste of strength and positive energy.


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