Category: ALL POSTS
Daniel Norgren – Are We Running Out Of Love
I love this song.
A moment where life and dreams suddenly meet
The Who – Baba O’Riley
One step at a time
My very first day at the gallery was amazing. I really need this right now. To be part of the world outside my own studio again. I’m sure this will inspire my work as well.
But I’m worried about my new collection of paintings. The painting process is so much slower than I first expected. It’s not that easy to build a whole new life for myself, to improve my self-esteem, overcome PTSD and trauma, while starting a new serious long distance relationship – and at the same creating a new body of work to restore my art career. I have to give it more time. I understand that. But with this speed of the painting process, I won’t be able to promote a new collection of artworks in at least 1-2 years. So far, I have three paintings and maybe 15 digital pieces to show. But my goal is to produce 10-15 paintings for the next show, that I’ll probably make in my hometown or in Stockholm.
When I’ll get more used to this new routine of working in the gallery, I’m sure I’ll find a way to balance the creativity with self-discipline and fun time. I know I have to work harder than this to make it, but I have to continue to take one step at a time. Otherwise, I’m just gonna end up being overwhelmed and exhausted. And I won’t allow that to happen again. This time, things will be done in the right way, in the right order. This time, I know so much more about myself and about my creativity than I did before. I’ll make the past failures work as a guideline for my future success.
Falling into place
It’s a strange sensation to see my life fall into place instead of falling to pieces. I am tired of loss, tears and worries.I’m so done with all that. Last year, I made so much resistance to this new happiness and the love I’ve found. The good things scared me. It looked so unfamiliar and so fragile, like it would go away if I’d reach out and touch it. Now I know that happiness is not only momentarily, it can be lasting – if I love myself and accept whatever life brings to me, good or bad. I know I will survive anything because I’ve proved that to myself so many times already. To make resistance to happiness is to reject love – love for oneself, other people or for life itself. And it doesn’t make any sense to do that. It only happens if we believe that we don’t deserve it. But we all do. Both me and you. If we don’t deserve it, who does?
Yann Tiersen – Le Demarche
What today feels like.
“Pete’s Playmate”
I just found a scan of this naughty boy – “Pete’s Playmate” – a drawing I made in 2013.
Recycling artworks
Sometimes I’ve done some recycling in my digital art. Here is a very early digital collage called “Witness” (2007) – that later turned into “Screamer” (2013) – one of my most popular digital pieces.
But I also used the hay wagon in “Engla” from 2008:
And in “Engla” I recycled my “Weird Baby” (2006):
.. Which I also made a statue from the year after.
A taste of Heaven and Hell
Yesterday, the hormone storm returned. I’m always unprepared and terrified when it happens. – and I get buried underneath a heavy fog of fear and hopelessness. At times I feel like I don’t want to exist anymore – and that’s not me. But that’s how deeply affected we are by hormonal changes. Some women get anti depressants during these days each month, but I’m skeptical when it comes to medication. I guess it goes in line with the fact that I’m against drugs and alcohol.
But I have new ideas for writing projects and I am starting my new job at the gallery tomorrow. Good things are happening and I’m holding on to those when I feel a little lost. My life is finally starting to look like a real life and not just a pile of a broken pieces. I have love in my life, I am creating art again, I’m making new friends who means a lot to me – and I have a new job. My life looks so different now. I can’t believe how many years I spent in bed, or wearing a robe just because I wasn’t doing anything. My life had lost its purpose and I got lost in the comfort of the everyday life routines. That’s why I can never get too comfortable in my life. I am highly allergic to it. But of course, I don’t want my life to be uncomfortable either – I’ve been living in the sufferings of traumas for almost 20 years and it’s just a living hell. There has to be a balance between the comfortable and the uncomfortable. To not be suffering but not falling asleep and get lost in the security of life.
Even if I still have days with anxiety and panic attacks, it’s nothing compared to how it used to be. Now, the anxiety only last a day or two. I feel very grateful. And it’s an evidence that all my hard work to overcome the PTSD symptoms have paid off. I am proud of the journey I’ve made. Now, it’s time to continue the journey – and I know it will take me to wonderful places. I’ve been to Hell, perhaps I’ll get a taste of Heaven too. Who knows?
Try Me – Esther Phillips
Daniela Andrade and Gia Margaret – Dancing in the Dark [cover]
The wildflower
Spring turned into summer in only a week. My body is always sensitive to the transitions of the seasons and especially when the changes are quick and extreme. I feel wild. Like a spring flower that’s caught on fire in the summer heat. Every part of me is alive. Every cell. Every hair. Every thought. Perhaps we all carry a piece of summer in our hearts because it’s so easy to connect with the energy of the season.
I will dedicate all day tomorrow to work on my painting “The Core”. It’s a large scale canvas and at times painting on it feels like taming a beast. But I’m almost done. I hope I can transfer this glowing energy into the painting. It is about my core and I have to load it with my light and energy. Because the core is everything. Everything. That’s where all our good things are born. Our strength. Ability to love and to be loved. Happiness. Peace. Power. The soul. The “realness” of our existence. The light within. And the sexual energy. Everything we need to protect. All those things that makes us feel vulnerable and naked – and at the same time divine and alive.
Not dark yet
It’s 10 pm and it’s not dark yet. The cemetery looks like a murky landscape of mountains and trees against the sunset. It’s been a strange week and I’m glad it’s about to end. Next week will be great, I can feel it.
Donovan – Catch the Wind
Celebrating my mom’s birthday!
Meditation
It’s a day of rest. I’m trying to gather new energy because I think I’ve used it all up on my creativity lately. The pollen season is also reaching its climax right now and it makes me feel drained and drowsy. Some allergic Swedes are even fleeing the country to “survive” the predicament. I will continue painting as soon as my health improves. The creative process is taking much longer than I first expected, I’m sort of rusty as a painter but I’m also much more thorough and precise now. Working with digital art has definitely turned me into a perfectionist. I used to be spontaneous and splash paint on the canvas. Now, I can work on details for hours and everything is very controlled and planned. I think it’s probably a combination of being more present since I’ve overcome the disassociating state of PTSD and having my shit together for the first time in my life. That’s why it’s frustrating to be this damn tired – I have so much I want to do! But right now I need to be focused on my breathing and letting go of any negative energy or any doubts. I find my meditation in laughing, at the moment to the Swedish TV and podcast duo Filip and Fredrik.
New beginnings
Light
Under huden
Innanför min
understa hud
glider tungan
genom mina
täta våtmarker
vilda pärlor
av statiskt regn
vrider tiden
läcker saft
din rörelse
skiftar tyngd
under mitt
tunnaste lager
tålamod
river havet
med en storm
blöder sakta
sitt salta skum
där du retar
varje färg
jag känner till
– Mia Makila – 16
This Mortal Coil – Song To The Siren
Thoughts from a dark place filled with light
It’s a night of so many emotions. I feel wide open. Like I can absorb the night and turn it into words. The midnight hour is hiding both my abstractions and my secrets. Like shadows drowning in its own darkness. My body yearning to be touched. A soft flickering light. Or is it my heart? Nights are a destination. A cemetery for memories. A garden of dreams. I bury myself in its stillness. I feel safe here.
It’s been a very intense week. So much is happening at the same time. Even if it’s all good, I feel like I am falling off the edge of my own little world at times. Which is healthy. Sometimes you need the sensation of falling to be able to travel to a new place. Those places you can’t get to in any other way. Like making the impossible possible by inventing a new gravity and laws of physics just by taking chances. Risks. To allow life to expose itself and not just be a comfortable backdrop to your own drama. If I have been in a transitional period recently, I’m now in the period of learning. Learning how to trust. Love. Be. Think. Learning how to act in a social context. Learning how to balance the good with the bad. How to get use to kindness. How to not confuse my own heart. Learning the anatomy of sensuality. Seduction. Eroticism. Learning how to spot the difference between fear and instincts. Between lust and attraction. And learning how to distinguish between the pointless and the significant.
It’s a process of trial and error. I stumble and fall. Here’s the importance of falling again. I won’t ever learn anything if I’m not allowed to fall once in a while. The most important thing is that I’ll get back up again. That’s how babies learn how to walk. That’s also how you overcome a trauma. It’s the basic element of any evolution or change. I just need to remind myself of that a little more often.
The night is shifting depth in the dark tones. I’m still wide open. I’ll let it blindfold me. Slowly .
A day in Stockholm
I’ve spent a wonderful day with my friend Jenny in Stockholm today – and I got to see my digital baby “Strings Attached” being born at the printer’s office (Proimages) – I really needed this injection of inspiration!
My digital baby “Strings Attached” is born.
The Alice syndrome
Ok, so I lied in one of the posts yesterday. I said “it’s not that I am full of doubts” but I guess that’s not completely true. I’ve been struggling with self doubt this week. I am not interested in coming off as a successful person on my blog. Someone who is always in control of her own destiny or knows exactly what she’s doing. I want to be real. Sincere. Honest. About what it’s like to be a person who’s overcome really shitty situations and who’s trying really hard to find a place in the world – a place of happiness and peace. A place where I can be creative and flourish as an artist and as a writer.
Living inside a trauma was hell, surviving the trauma was very hard, living without it is confusing. But I am doing my best, believe me. This is the true story about how I am working towards success and happiness. Some days I do the Alice-shrinking-thing and I feel small and anxious. Other days I feel very strong and focused. It’s all part of the same journey I am making to reach my goals and dreams – and I have accepted its ups and downs.
Unfortunately, it’s very easy for me to get sucked into Alice’s rabbit hole and end up feeling really small. But it’s never in any wonderland – instead it’s always in the ‘normality’ of reality. Normality scares me. It’s like a maze full of outside pressure, expectations and social rules which I don’t understand. I just want to be me in the world outside my own inner wonderland. But I have never been able to do that without getting lost somehow. I hope that one day I’ll learn how to find my way through the maze.
MIA MAKILA 