These maps are very personal. The maps of “Nyland” [Newland] – a made up island I created during my last year of the abusive marriage. It was a way to disassociate myself from my reality – a place to escape to when I couldn’t stand my own life or the helplessness I felt at the time. I tried to create a place of peace and beauty. And a place that I could control and create in any way I wanted. There, I felt powerful and significant. I made up stories about the history of the cities. I created a climate, I created the nature and its assets on the island. I shaped the lakes and smaller islands connected to the big island – like they served as a safe haven in an already safe place. Places where no one could ever get to me and hurt me. I created a mythology around Nyland – the flag, the history of the nation and the symbols associated with it.

One year into creating Nyland, I finally found the strength to leave my abuser and the project disappeared into the mess of the divorce. And then I just forgot about it.

Now, I am thinking about the project as an evidence that I have so many worlds inside me. Places to visit, stories to tell. Characters to explore. This, in combination with my passion for drowning in the complex worlds of TV series, makes me wonder if I would be able to create a made up Universe to share with other people – like J.K. Rowling or Tolkien but with my own mythology. What is hiding deep inside me? I can sense something… somewhere… but I guess only time will tell exactly what is to be found in my inner treasure chest of imagination and creativity.

Life is really kind to me right now.  Doors are beginning to open up for me and I am finding new opportunities, possibilities and a chance to grow all the time. It looks like I’m getting an internship at a local gallery – what a dream! I know this opportunity will give me a lot of new knowledge and experience and it’s just the perfect workplace for me at this point. I feel really connected to the concept of the gallery and its purpose. I’m so excited!

And my painting “The Core” will be finished soon. I can’t wait to share it with you. I am already planning my next painting. And the next. And the next…

In 10 minutes, Johnny will call me from California. I wish my phone could swallow me whole and transport me and my body all the way to the States, because I miss him so much. I want to smell his face. Be forehead to forehead and feel our thoughts blending in an invisible stream of sensual energy and love. Some days are cruel. The days when the missing turns into a disease. Other days, like today, I just feel so happy to know that there is a home for me out there. I used to feel homeless for such a long time. Possibly all my life. Even though I’ve always had a home, an actual apartment or a house and people around me who claim they love me. But I’ve been so lonely. There is no other emotional torture worse than feeling lonely in a relationship. To have someone but not having any access to them. To be spooned at night, but feeling like you are replaceable. To share a romantic dinner with someone who never looks into your eyes. To feel like a guest in your own house. To long for silence and solitude instead of togetherness and company. So I am very grateful for what I share with Johnny, even if he’s half a world away. I’d rather share a geographical distance with someone than an emotional one.

5 minutes now…

The view from my window right now; the cemetery and the Valborg celebration in the park behind it, with a bonfire (to the left of the chapel) and fireworks

I am out of sync with this day, like I never really woke up at all today. It’s the evening of Valborg – the last day of April and as a European tradition, it’s time to officially welcome spring. I can hear a choir singing traditional Swedish songs of spring and hope, all the way from the park behind the cemetery outside my window. I’m still very allergic but I welcome spring, in many ways this year. I am anticipating so many wonderful things to come. A new collection of artworks. Art shows. Writing projects. A new job. Johnny coming back to Sweden to visit me again. More happiness. More creativity. More of everything that is good. But first, I have to survive the pollen season before I can celebrate all the good things to come without any distractions.

Now, I can hear a brass orchestra making a salute. I guess it’s officially spring now. Time for growth. Optimism. Hope. Colors. Creative explosions. More light. Butterflies. Love. I told you – everything good is just around the corner.

My mind is a little foggy today. There are so many processes in motion right now, it’s a bit overwhelming. I never knew how much hard work it would take to get my life back in order. I knew it would be hard work – but it’s been two years since the break up where my life completely fell apart. Two years. So many small steps, slow and subtle changes, drastic changes and painful wake up calls. But two years is nothing compared to how many years I lived in the ruins of my own life. I have to accept that some days I have to take a break so I can catch my breath. It’s perfectly normal. I’ve come so far, but I know this is just the beginning of a new journey. I feel excited. There are so many possibilities – so many stars to catch.

It’s like I’ve been a goldfish trapped in a tiny bowl for all my life and now I’ve been set free into the ocean. Where should I go? I’ll let the waves carry me. And my goldfish instincts.