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The root

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“Hysteria” by Mia Makila, 2006 – mixed media on antique photo

I’ve come to a very important place in my self-therapy work. I’ve found the root to all my traumas and emotional wounds, and it goes back to my early childhood (where every bad thing seems to be rooted for all of us). It’s all coming together now. I’ve disentangled the knots in my mind and unlocked my heart. And I’ve faced my demons and made friends with them (there is no point in trying to kill them off, it won’t work).Through meditation, my own therapy work, and a little help and support from other people – I’ve found clarity (awareness) and it has been the key to an acceptance that has led me to this new spiritual liberation.

I don’t feel the need to complain about my issues anymore. I can’t blame my misfortunes or suffering on others because I can see that I was part of them too. I allowed it to happen, I invited it into my life when I accepted the unacceptable, when I abandoned myself and when I gave permission to other people to treat me badly. I don’t hate my abusers, I don’t hate myself – hate has no place in my heart and it doesn’t serve any purpose in my life. I only need to hold on to the lessons I’ve earned from going through all this, and it  will work as the guiding light on my continuing journey forward.

It should never be about what happens to us, it’s all about how we react to it – and what we learn from the experience. This insight will kill any form of victimization and unnecessary suffering. What we allow is what we’ll suffer. Acceptance is the key to the healing of a very old wound that’s been neglected for too long.

The extraordinary

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2011, Stockholm

The meditation has taken me to places I never thought I would experience -and I’ve only just begun exploring it. The sadness is leaving me. Perhaps I’ll always carry a sadness inside, but I feel like so much of it is fading. Finding closure has brought me to a new phase of acceptance and the meditation brings me peace. I am healing. In fact, I am overcoming the process of overcoming a trauma. I am moving past the darkness. I am slowly coming out in the light. Which is ironic, because the days are getting shorter and it get s darker and darker every day here in Sweden. Today I walked in the first snow of the year. But it’s not cold in my heart. On the contrary,  I feel so filled with love and warm light. Perhaps the days of my emotional purgatory is finally over. I have accepted, released, and found closure – it was all I had to do to start breathing again. It was so hard to do – but now it feels like everything comes easy, like I was stuck and now I am liberated from it and I’m just going with the flow of life.

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I’ve had a couple of extraordinary experiences through meditation lately, but I am keeping them private. What’s important is that I am now free to focus on other things instead of dwelling, worrying, obsessing and feeling scared and anxious. It’s all over now. Everything will be OK, I have cleaned out every nook and cranny in my mind, soul and heart. I no longer carry anger, bitterness or fear in there. I know what I need to do to get to the nest phase of healing, and I have so much to look forward to. This is all kind of surreal, considering how close I was to a new depression just a few months back, it is magical if you know how many years I’ve spent crying. I don’t have anything to cry over anymore. I have problems just like anyone else, but I’m no longer weighed down by my past. I never thought this day would come.

But it did come – and it’s an extraordinary feeling. To be free that way. Free of the heavy weight of a trauma or two.

The drive

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Another rough night. Tomorrow I’ll switch the rooms back to the way it was when I first moved in here, I’ll get better sleep in the other room. I’m feeling restless but motivated to go back to painting. This time I’ll study myself while working – to see what the painting process means to me, if it’s a way for me to relax or if I consider it ‘work’. I’ve never really defined those things – and they are important. My artistry has been so linked with the motivation to prove to myself and to the people who have bullied me or abused me that I can achieve whatever I want if I put my mind to it. That I’m stronger than any form of abuse or humiliation. And I don’t feel like I have to prove myself to other people anymore. I am not driven by vengeance or a defensive disposition. Now, I want to express myself and I don’t care what other people might think or feel about me. It doesn’t concern me and it doesn’t affect my ambition to say the things I want to say through my art. I am more driven by the thought of sharing the experience of trauma and recovery – the spiritual healing through facing all the demons inside. The cleansing of the core – and its expansion through all the layers of self-protection, self-abandonment and shame.

The sweetness of my second youth

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Reconnecting with my body, especially through meditation, is an extraordinary experience. I am exploring the sensations of pain, pleasure, touch, rest, relaxation, anxiety, tension and release as if my body was just handed to me and I wrapped myself in it for the first time.  Where have I been? Where do I disappear to when I’ve been dissociative and lost within myself? Meditation is helping me heal and to stay connected between mind and body. But it’s a foreign feeling. I feel young. Like I am a teenager, discovering myself in a new, adult body. I guess I am overcoming the Lolita thing in many ways. I am so done with her. I’m growing up and I am enjoying the sweetness of my second youth.

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“Felicia and the Fellatio” by Mia Makila, 2013 – dealing with bodily trauma in my art has helped me a lot to reconnect my mind and body

But there are some dark emotions that goes with the sweet. There’s a lot of anger and disappointment towards myself, when I think about all the danger and discomfort I’ve put myself and my body through. I forgave myself a long time ago, it’s not about blame or guilt. It’s simply a reaction to becoming a whole person again. To understand the value of my body, mind and heart. To acknowledge what I like, dislike and what makes me feel good or bad. I didn’t have the freedom to do that in my past. My body has never really belonged to me until now. When I was I child it belonged to the Doctors and my parents for the various examinations and treatments for my eczema that I had all over my skin. In my adult years it belonged to the men. I was acting like a good girlfriend and thought it was my duty to serve them whatever my body could provide, but I never asked my body what I myself wanted and needed. And I ended up in abusive or negtlective relationships which both traumatized me and my body in many ways, and I had to split them apart in order to survive. Then the destructive disconnection followed.  the self-abandonment. The dissociative states and the self-destructive compartmentalization in order to avoid any cognitive dissonance.

This new self-discovery and self-compassion is so healthy, even though it also opens up these places of anger and sadness. It’s part of the healing process and I have to go through it.

Sexsomnia

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Me, sleeping, 2010

I recently read about a phenomena called “sexsomnia” (a condition in which a person will engage in sexual activities while asleep) that has rapidly increased amongst men, especially men accused of rape and sexual assault. The accused men claim they suffer from sexsomnia – but they use it in order to avoid going to prison. They can’t be found guilty or being held responsible for their rape or sexual abuse if they weren’t aware of their own actions. This is a very sad and troubling social development. Either there’s a severe epidemic of sexsominia spreading – but only man to man – or it’s a tragic trend. It’s affecting me deeply because I use to live with a man who would only want to have sex with me while I was asleep. I often found myself being in the middle of an intercourse while sleeping in my own bed at night. Always from behind. I heard his breaths and grunts as he was handling me as if I was nothing more than a fuck doll. Once I woke up this way, I felt confused and strange. Like I didn’t know if it was a good thing or not. We hadn’t been sexual together for a few years, the only times were were intimate was when I was falling asleep, waking up or sound asleep. Never during the day. Never when I felt sexy and ready. Always when I was in my most vulnerable state – relaxed, unprepared and kind of out of it.

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Even though this made me feel confused while it was happening, I let him do it to me. I didn’t fight or push him off. But it didn’t feel right and I wasn’t enjoying myself. My pussy wasn’t even wet – my mind was in a totally different place. My friends label this as ‘rape’ – I didn’t see it that way at the time, but now I see how I was sexually abused while I was asleep and thinking I was in my safe place, with the man who was supposed to protect me, not cause me any discomfort or abuse. When I confronted him the next day I asked him “What were you doing to me last night?” and he answered with a smile: “Oh, yes – wasn’t it nice?”. “But… I was asleep” I said and he shrugged his shoulders and simply answered: “Well…so was I”. And that was that. He never asked me if it was OK to do that, and I was too confused to tell him that it wasn’t. We weren’t having any intimacy or sex when I was awake so I thought, at least I’m having sex, even if it was in some twisted way. I wish I could have left him before we became sexless. As soon as a relationship dies that way, it’s probably gonna stay dead anyway.

I used to live with a man who suffered from sexsomnia, but he loved his disorder and embraced it. I have a feeling that it’s probably exactly what most men who claim they suffer from sexsomnia also does. What a lovely and convenient disorder for a man – but what a nightmare for his woman who can never be sure of what happened to her while she was asleep – in her own bed at night.

The cage

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Another visit to the clinic

My health issues have turned into a cage and I feel limited and isolated from the world. Today I had to make yet another visit at the clinic and  this time the Doctor took some blood tests. Hopefully I’ll know the results by next week. I can’t do more than to wait and try to relax as much as I can, but I’m not allowed to wear make up for a while and it bothers me and I don’t like that I feel ashamed of my naked face – it is who I am and I’m all about authenticity and nakedness so it shouldn’t bother me this much. Perhaps this is the perfect time to accept myself as I really am. – with or without make up, with swollen and red eyes, rashes or any imperfections. It’s kind of scary how women are perceived as more beautiful with make up than with a natural face. What is the difference between that thought and having to wear a burqa?

Even though I feel caged by my health issues, I do feel like I am focusing on the right things – out with the negativity and in with optimism. Things will get better. They just have to. I can’t stand this place of helplessness and vulnerability. As long as I don’t feel at home in it  – I will find a way out of it.

A good frustration

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I’m feeling trapped in my own body. I want out. I want to play. I want to do so many things. I’ve been sick for a long time now and I’m frustrated and restless. If I could escape my current situation somehow, I’d gladly do it. But I can’t. I have to hang on in there and wait it out. Do my best and hope for better times. The people around me are very supportive and I’m feeling loved, but I’m tired of needing that kind of support. I want to own my life – I don’t want to feel like I am only surviving it. I’m so hungry for life. I’m so eager to live it – fully and wholeheartedly. The position of surviving and overcoming a trauma doesn’t it me anymore and I feel uncomfortable in it. I am so ready to take on my future endeavors – if my health could only be a bit more stable. I believe this is a good frustration. Or at least, I’m fooling myself that it is.

It’s like I have everything – but at the same time I don’t have access to any of it until I’m feeling better. I’m waiting for an appointment with a dermatologist – but it can take up to 3 months until I’ll get it. When all this is over, I’ll be stronger and more free than I’ve ever been, because during this difficult time I’ve also had both closure and found a new self-acceptance and that’s the best investment I could do for myself. But – patience has never been my friend and I’m not known to go slow. But I am learning how to go with the flow of things instead of rushing it and getting stressed out. It is damn hard to do when I know I have so many good things waiting for me –  on the other side.

Ready to go back to painting (soon)

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I’ve spent a few days at my parent’s house – because my new bedroom turned out to be as cold and drafty as Siberia at night now when it’s getting colder outside, so we have been trying to insulate the windows. No wonder I’ve been so sick lately. I’m making good process in reducing stress and negative thoughts, although I keep waking up in the middle of the night with a racing heart and panic. But for some reason I’m not too worried about it, I think it’s part of this new transition phase, going from something old to something new. I’ve never been this clear minded – and so connected to myself – I think it makes me too aware of everything at times, I need to find a balance in the way I use my awareness.

I am so very inspired and I am dying to start working with my art again. I miss my demons. I miss the smell of the paint and the lightness of being swept away by the creativity. I need to create art again. I need it so much. I feel half when I’m not creating. My health issues has been blocking me from making art lately but it’s better than being blocked because of self-doubt and negativity. At least this time it’s just a matter of time until I’m well enough to go back to painting. I am ready. I feel it.

Rest and play

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This flu is merciless, but I am still able to meditate and I’ve found some amazing places within myself. I never though I would be able to meditate and I don’t know if I’m doing it right but at least I am getting some peace of mind during the sessions. I’m keeping a meditation diary because I’m finding answers and keys to unlock insecurities and fears as I am traveling within myself. It’s quite incredible.

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I’ve discovered the importance of balance – both a sense of an inner and a physical balance – and a balance when it comes to rest vs play (work).  And I am now faced with an important question; is my creativity part of rest or is it play? Do I use my creativity to relax or as work? Perhaps the answer will change everything. Perhaps my art is not suppose to be what I do for a living – perhaps that’s why it has been keeping me from feeling the magical lust and flow when I am creating. If so – then I’ve been pushing myself in the wrong direction. I have to experiment to see how I am supposed to use my creativity – maybe I can use my writing and digital art as wok but the painting process is more about relaxation and self-intimacy than it is about working to make money. We’ll see. I will study myself as a scientist until I’ll know the answer.

Awareness

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Totally me today.

I’m still having a cold but I’ve felt so good all day. I’m healing a little more every day and I’ve eliminated all the negativ energy in my life – if there’s ever any negativity now, it’ll be coming from me and then it’s my responsibility to change it. This is what it’s like to be in control of your own life – to invite only the things you want and need in life, and to shut out the rest. It is very hard to do, because you have to have an open and present consciousness and awareness – both are natural but we are not raised to use them in the correct way, so it feels foreign and weird at first. Ignorance is a bliss, just like denial. To be aware means to take responsibility for everything that happens to you, both the good and the bad (but not responsibility for other people’s abuse and judgments) and it also means a willingness to accept or/and change things that used to be under the surface, as they are emerging into the light.

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But I’m still on my inner journey.

Awareness is the first step to any change. If you want to change yourself or your life, you first need to know what needs to be changed. You need to be aware of it. If you want to quit smoking, you need to be aware of what damage it does to your body (and wallet). If you want to be more happy, you need to use your awareness to understand what makes you unhappy. Awareness is an open mind – and an open core. To look at things from an authentic point of view – to dare looking at things in a raw and real way. I am not scared of this nakedness and the awareness that follows. It’s the opposite that scares me – the illusions of love, safety, security, the false sense of happiness, the perfectionisms of dreams, the pressure from expectations – and the twisted self-images. I want it real. And it only gets real through an active awareness and an open consciousness. That’s what an awakening is all about. I wish everyone could experience that in their lifetime. It is possible for all of us. If we only dare to open up to the possibility that we don’t know much about anything at all. Only then can be start a lifelong exploration to learn the truth about ourselves and our purpose in life.

One step closer

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I woke up from the first good sleep in a really long time. It’s raining. Meditation is really helpful, I’m visiting this place, deep inside myself where I find keys to feeling better. It’s like I’m a different person now than I was before all the things happened this summer. When I look back at these last few months, I can see what made me change and transform so quickly. It’s fascinating. I had a few encounters with closure. And I finally reconnected with my own body after years of dissociating myself from it. It might sound simple and trivial but it’s really not. I just wish things like that wouldn’t be so painful. But as my friend Jenny says, it’s through pain that we know what’s important to us, it’s through suffering we understand what’s worth fighting for – perhaps that’s exactly what happens between a mother and child during the painful labor in childbirth. Survival doesn’t look pretty. Struggles hardly come without suffering. And in the end, it was all worth it. Because it brought me here – one step closer to where I am destined to go.