About a different kind of starvation

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I think it’s strange that when we talk about starvation, it’s always about the physical connection to food. But we rarely talk about how that nagging sensation of hunger, desperation and frustration can be felt in other places than in our tummies.

When we neglect our needs, we feel like something is missing – and it creates a void inside. Just like we feel when we are hungry for food. It’s a sneaky thing, the process of losing ourselves to the greyness of every day life routines,  compromises in relationships, shame, fear or any place where we can’t really feel free to be ourselves all the way. We adjust ourselves to the course of life and direction or stagnation of our ambitions. But it’s easy to overlook needs or desires when life feels like a train ride without any stops. It’s easy to lose the connection between mind and body or mind and soul, and that’s when we’re slowly creating a starvation somewhere inside. You can’t feel it happening until you are faced with the suction of the void. And the void is not talking. It’s confusing. Annoying. Frustrating. You don’t know what is missing. So you overcompensate with other things. You create renovation projects and home improvement, you have another baby, you put more hours into work, you shop or try to buy yourself free of the void – for the moment and there’s a sense of satisfaction but not the sensation of true fulfillment.

I’ve been starving for many things throughout my adult life and in various relationships. For intimacy. Sex. Intellectual stimulation. For artistic growth. Self acceptance. Closure. Friendship. Relief of shame and guilt. Genuine love. Pleasure. Happiness.

The starvation made me feel angry, bitter and depressed. I didn’t know why I felt that way so it left me feeling helpless and broken.

It wasn’t until I started to listen to my inner voice – my core – and began my journey in therapy that I could see how lost I was while I was overcompensating with the substitutions or the instant satisfaction that never lasted very long.

I am slowly approaching all of my starvations, trying to feed my needs or at least acknowledge them. It isn’t easy to stay true to who you really are in this time of age when we’re constantly being hacked by norms, social stress, mainstream ideals and pre- packaged lifestyles but it is possible.

You just need to create a little space for yourself where your thoughts and feelings can float through you without any judgements or shame. That’s all it takes to start filling the nagging void inside.

A slow process

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Suddenly I don’t know what to write here. I have so much to tell you., but perhaps I’ll save it all for a future book, I don’t know. What I’ve gone through these last few years has been overwhelming and fascinating. A journey from being totally lost within myself to a place of inner peace and enlightenment.

But I’m not gonna stop writing or posting. I still have a lot to tell you here. I am still slowly approaching my art and my creativity. And it’s a big deal for me. I have to say that I never thought it would be so hard to come back after being burned out and blocked. It’s all connected to losing the connection to myself and my core, but as long as I am making progress in my self therapy work, I am also getting closer to my creativity -and I’m finally losing the heavy weight of expectations, self doubt and the feeling of constant failure when things are not going my way.

I can only paint for a few hours until I’m drained and tired. But it’s OK, I’ve accepted it and surrendered to this slow process of finding the right energy and focus I need to be able to get into the wonderful flow of creating. I really miss it.

How people live with my art

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Sometimes people send pictures to me of how they live with my art – here are some:

“Holiday In Hell”
“Holiday In Hell” (2008)｜65 x 47,51 cm ｜ 25,6 x 18,7 in ｜Edition of 5｜ Contact for price
My drawing “Sticky Steven” to the bottom left
Sticky Steven, 2012
“Punctured Pete” got a wonderful frame at his new house
This is a very early painting – “Black Eve”
My painting “Wonderwall” is part of this amazing art collection
Close up
Wonderwall, 2009
“Momo The sea Monster” is part of the same art collection, I am so honored
Momo the Sea Monster, 2009
“Killed by Faith”, “The Gingerbread House” and “Vampire Girl”
Killed by Faith, 2009
The Gingerbread House, 2007
Vampire Girl, 2006
The upper one is a very old piece from 2006
Untitled, 2006
The painting I smashed in two pieces when I was frustrated with it, during my creativity blockage, but a collector bought it and framed it!
Here is the broken painting – “Twisted Sisters” from 2010
“Portrait of Miles and Flora” and “Hansel and Gretel”
“Portrait of Miles and Flora”, 2006
“Hansel and Gretel”, 2006
“Baby Jane” to the right.
Baby Jane, 2009
“They” an early digital work (to the right)
“THEY” BY MIA MAKILA – 2007 (DIGITAL) Edition of 5, 36 x 44,5 cm, PRICE: 4000 SEK
My drawing “And the Sky Turned Black” to the left
“And The Sky Turned Black”, 2013
“Sex Monster” in this cool collection of art
“Sex Monster”, 2013
“Vanitas”
Vanitas
“The Gift”
The Gift
“My Secret Lover”
“My Secret Lover” by Mia Makila, 2012. Digital collage. Available.

Staring into the eyes of life

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Georges de La Tour, La Madeleine à la veilleuse,  1640 – 1645

I am trying to focus on my art again, but I am constantly being interrupted by this overwhelming feeling of being really present in myself – and how that feeling is weaving itself in every moment, and ironically I’m suddenly not sure if I am present in the moment or just within myself and detached from the world outside my own mind. But everything feels different now. I used to be withdrawn because I lived inside my head – now I am living with it as a great companion trying to figure out how to relate to the world. I am centered, but not in the state of just being – I am still layers away from connecting to the real divinity inside myself. The place where fear doesn’t exist – a place where I am accepting everything about myself, the situations I am going through and people, without any judgments or desire to control any of it. I’ve learned that being in control is to accept not having any control at all – and to embrace that notion instead of being intimidated by it.

For the first time in my life I am also exploring how I feel about my own mortality. I used to live so close to the  darkness that I thought Death was just another word for Life. But now I live in a perfect greyscale – and for the first time I am actually scared to die and to lose the people I love. It was so much easier to live in the dark where loss was an everyday experience in some way or another. I lost my dignity so many times a day, my self respect, my value as a human being, I lost my creativity, I lost faith in myself as an artist and I lost myself over and over again. There is nothing more painful in this life than self abandonment because every external abandonment becomes unbearable – then you don’t have anything, not even yourself. I am grateful for having rescued myself – from myself.

I am going through an overwhelming process of healing and being in love with another soul that I connect with in every way possible. I am filled with warm clouds – and so much hope.

Shame

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I am dealing with shame right now, in my self therapy. It’s a very painful subject to dissect. Perhaps it is the core of the darkness I’ve been carrying with me for almost all my life. Shame is something very private – and the most fascinating thing about it, is that we don’t feel shame in front of ourselves – it is always in front of other people. We are OK with our own flaws and ‘abnormalities’ when we are alone – but when we are confronted with them around other people – we want to escape them or hide them to whatever cost, because somewhere along our journey, other people pointed them out as flaws – and shamed us for it. We were taught to hate those sides of ourselves and the sad thing is that it’s the flaws that makes us unique and beautiful. Whatever makes us stand out is not a flaw or a weakness, it’s a definition of what makes us magical individuals. In the game of Tetris – the rule is ‘if you fit in you disappear’, think about that for a moment. Now that is a shame.

I am examining the shame I feel about my own flaws and ‘abnormalities, to be able to make peace or to remove the shame associated with them. It is difficult though, because the shame is a very powerful and overwhelming feeling and the easiest way would be to just to hold on to the shame and continue to escape and hide the source from myself. But I’m not gonna do that. And what the hell is “normal” anyway? Perfection? Conformity? Is it always the opposite of how we perceive ourselves, like an impossible illusion? Is it just an idea without a clear definition – an idea that works like a mirror with a blurred image of something that always feels out of reach?

Normal is whatever is natural for us to feel, to be. To deny what is a natural part of us creates a little black hole inside. A void. And we spend our whole life trying to fill that void with external things. But we can’t fill the void unless we search for whatever that was abandoned in ourselves and shamed by others – and set it free.

I hope I can do this. It is really, really difficult.

“Nurture your nature”

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My health is still not stable, but I feel stronger than ever. It’s a magical time of self discovery and letting go of shame and fear. I can’t believe how many suffocating layers of self loathing and fear that used to cover my true nature. I’ve come to realize how difficult it is to stay true to one’s true nature – how difficult it is to hold on to it throughout life, especially socially and in society in general. At some point, you are forced to conform, adjust and change that nature in order to ‘fit in’ and to be accepted by other people and society. If you don’t – you will be an outcast, a misfit, a freak – and your true nature will become something foreign and threatening – and shamed. Both to yourself and to others. It is very hard to hold on to any self- pride and self- respect regarding a nature that doesn’t seem to fit the norm.

But I am reclaiming that pride now. And with that comes a new self respect. I’ve made a lot of research about the sense of self and identity and came across this statement: “nurture your nature” – to examine it and to understand it in order to make the best of it. To remove the shame and to work with your true nature, not against it. And to celebrate it.

That will set us free. Truly free.

Experimenting

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Work in progress.. I’m just experimenting with how I can paint with hi res images of flowers instead of paint. I’m also studying Dutch still lifes from the 17th century.

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Slowly healing

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I wish everyone would be able to feel what I’m feeling right now. It’s something quite unique and spectacular. The vulnerable softness of scar tissue in my heart. The endless meadows of silence in my mind that used to be broken in so many places where chaos and fear were leaking out with every thought.

I am slowly healing. The wounds inside are fading and the entangled emotions are sorted out and accepted. I feel proud of myself to be here – in a place where I am able to feel stronger and more in control. I’ve been working so hard to get here. I feel lucky to have met a man who loves me for me, not for who I could be to him or who I should be if I only was a little more, or less than I already am. A man who doesn’t punish me for being a strong woman, for expressing my own wants and needs. I feel lucky to have met a man who doesn’t humiliate or belittle me to feel stronger, better and more in control. It shouldn’t be a privilege to experience this kind of equality and friendship in a relationship, it should be the foundation for all types of relationships, not only the romantic ones.

‘Ophelia Has A Dream’ by Mihara Yasuhiro

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A really beautiful and inspiring creation by an amazing fashion designer, Miharayasuhiro, and is entitled – ‘Ophelia has a Dream’.

The work has been created with renowned photographer Paolo Roversi and creative animation agency WOW and is inspired by Sir John Everett Millais’s 1851 iconic ‘Ophelia’ painting.

The uncompromised expression

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 When I am working with my art – or anything creative – I am only interested in finding powerful and strong expressions.  I always start with the eyes – if there’s no genuine expression in the eyes or if they lack intensity, I won’t finish that piece and I just move on to another project. As soon as I start to compromise my vision, I end up feeling lost –  and when the creativity turns into a struggle I lose the joy of being part of it. Sometimes it feels like starting a new painting on a blank canvas is like taming a beast (the canvas being the beast  of ‘nothingness’ or something dead and empty).

The Mask by Mia Makila, 2009
Working on “The Mask”, 2009

I’ve always disliked a blank space – especially an empty white space. My desire is to fill the void, to make an expression, a statement, to tell a story and to create meaning where there seems to be no meaning at all. perhaps that’s why I like to fill the white canvas with a dark background. The darkness can hold all kinds of secrets within that black space – but something all white -without any hope of details inside, really creeps me out.

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My art is extremely personal and even though I don’t use my own face in my Lolita demons, they are all part of me and my fears, my rage, my pain and my inner voice. They are all self portraits in a way.

Sperm Wounds is my rage, Scrollan is an expression of  the helplessness I’ve felt in my past, Stigmata is about my physical hell.

“Stigmata”by Mia Makila. 2009 [acrylic on canvas]

The stories I share in my art, lays in the emotional expressions of my demons –  especially visible in the eyes, smile and body language. The portraits are simple in the compositions, there aren’t many details in the background, if any at all. But if you make eye contact with the characters, you will find endless shades of emotions and details in there.

Detail of Fire Head

Detail of Fire Head

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Making “Sex Monster”, 2013
“Sex Monster”, 2013

Through my stories and artistic expression, you get to share my emotions and the memories of humiliation, sadness and horror – and what it’s like to be a human soul in a world where heaven and hell are both centered inside our minds and hearts – and also outside ourselves.

In every corner of life.

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Self portrait, 2011

My role models for 2016 are J.K Rowling and Edvard Munch

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“Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.”

― J.K. Rowling

 

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“I would far rather be an outcast
upon the bosom of the great world
than to be an accomplice to 
a moral nothingness,
rather a bloody spark that 
no hand will shield
that glows wildly and is extinguished
and obliterated with no trace
than glow as a lamp
with a calm measured flame
evening after evening
in that eternal sitting-room
where the canary slumbers
in its blanket-covered cage
and time is slowly counted out
by the old sitting-room clock.
No the spark has the ability
to light the fire
and to know that it was responsible
for the sound of the fire siren
to know it was responsible
for the sea of flames
that broke with tradition
and turned the hourglass upside down.”

– Edvard Munch

The importance of dreams

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I’ve heard many times that I can be intimidating to some people. “In a good way” they continue. But there’s nothing good with being intimidating, because it creates a distance. And I don’t understand why anyone could be intimidated by me – I am not a bad person. “It’s not that”, they say, “it’s the way you hold on to your dreams, no matter what.”

And that’s true. Although there have been moments where I’ve been dangerously close to feel them slipping away due to self doubts and feeling lost in life – and within myself.

But I’ve always had dreams – big dreams, dreams I could ride on, visit like a distant star, dreams that I could surf upon, be high on and dreams that kept me company throughout periods of loneliness and despair.

At the age of 5 I knew I wanted to be an artist and I told it to everyone – like I made a promise to the world; “one day, I will become an artist and make art!” In my early teens, I discovered writing and I guess I’ve always wanted to become a writer too, but I’ve focused mainly on the art (so far).

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I think I intimidate people because of the way I use my dreams as a guiding light in my life – I’m always following this  thought-out path that will lead me to them – like goals instead of dreams, and that can be provocative to people who stopped dreaming. There is magic in our wildest dreams. There is pure light and love in our dreams. And because we are able to dream we are also able to make them come true. “What we think, we become.” Buddha very wisely wrote. That’s why dreams make us powerful – and we feel powerless without them. Dreams are like hope – an inspiration, and without it we feel lost, small and hopeless – followed by bitterness, jealousy and hate for those who keep on dreaming, no matter what.

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We lose the connection to our dreams when we stop believing in ourselves and our potentials. We stop dreaming when we give up the will to work hard to make them come true. We no longer have access to our dreams when we feel content with what we already got and become comfortable with that idea. We can no longer reach our dreams when we begin to compare ourselves to other people’s talents, achievements and dreams. We forget to dream when we deny our true nature. We lose the sight of our dreams when we reject the idea of magic. And we bury our dreams in our bitterness when we no longer feel powerful enough to pursuit them.

But here’s the good news; nobody is responsible for killing our dreams but ourselves – which means that we all have the power to give birth to new ones.

The keywords for 2016 should be “empathy” and “tolerance”

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This year is over. When I think of 2015, I think of a cold year, marked with so much hate and intolerance. Haters, shamers, racists, stupidity and ignorance. Personally, I had a good year, filled with love and happiness – but outside my own little bubble of peace, the world seemed confused and unstable. There are no shades of grey left in our world – it’s just black or white, dominated by extremes. For or against, good or evil, one of us or one of them – worthy or unworthy of acceptance and approval.

I hope that 2016 will be a turning point. Every day is a chance to change course, attitude or path. We are all very powerful that way. We have the ability to stop what we’re doing and take a look at ourselves to search for new questions. It’s when we stop questioning our own beliefs or stop looking for new knowledge that our minds are filled with arrogance and our hearts produce a concrete shell.

“You are not like me. You don’t look like me. You don’t act like me. You don’t believe like me. You don’t share my world. You don’t share my God. You don’t share my taste. You don’t share my heaven. You don’t share my language. You don’t share my blood.”

Even so, we are all equals to the realities of life and death and the endless experiences within. We are filled with so many stories, knowledge, scars and wounds. We all know pain and we are all searching for happiness but in different places.

I hope people can see how empathy is the beginning of a more tolerant world, a world where we can look for knowledge and understanding in each other instead of looking for evidence that would justify our hatred or intolerance – in the quest for feeling superior and righteous.

We know nothing but our own convictions and personal truths, but we can learn more about life, love and the human existence by opening up to the thought that our sense of truth might not be as solid as we want it to be. There are as many truths as there are human lives – and we are all fighting to be seen and heard. Our secret wish is to share our own private truth with other people, without feeling judged or rejected – in the way we are judging and rejecting ourselves when nobody is watching.

Let 2016 be the year we dare to walk in each other’s shoes.

Happy new year! ❤

/Mia