Category: ALL POSTS
The importance of a bra
I have been sick again, sleeping the days away. I guess that explains why I’ve been feeling so tired lately. There’s also been a lot to process since my last therapy session. Suddenly, so much is starting to make sense. Behaviors, patterns, triggers and psychological sore spots. The therapist recommended a book about codependency, which I’ve ordered. All I need now is to learn how to deal with it – because in the end my issue of psychological codependency is a good thing – it means I am an empathetic and caring person who’s able to put other’s needs before her own, if necessary. The psychological codependency grew from an early feeling of guilt and responsibility for things which weren’t mine to feel guilty or responsible for in the first place. I get it now. It all makes so much sense. Why I lose myself to other people’s expectations, why I think it’s my responsibility to make everybody happy, to fix things, to sacrifice everything to be able to be there for others, why I’ve been reluctant to let go of toxic relationships, and how I could’ve accepted the unacceptable.
Romus and Remus with the Wolf
I can’t change the past. I am not blaming anyone. But the issue still remains – and I have to deal with it. In a way, it’s a good thing that Johnny and I are in this long distance relationship right now. I need the space and the time to figure these things out, because the psychological codependency is so connected to intimate relationships for me. I have been so scared of loving again, of accepting love. I have been so close to isolating myself from love and intimacy all together – even if it’s all I want in this life. But I can understand why now. How I’ve felt smothered by relationships and the expectations I imagine they bring upon me. Expectations I have of myself – to be able to meet theirs. But all I’ve felt is inadequacy and scarcity. That’s when I lose myself. I start playing a role. Giving up my own pleasure to serve it to others. Delivering whatever they want from me. I let them feed off me like I am piece of meat, without any private emotions and needs. Some have taken advantage of it, some where blind to it. Ignorant.
I played my part very convincingly – even I believed I was all those things they wanted me to be. Submissive. Disconnected. Loyal to their convictions and disloyal to my own.
My therapist said: “You have let other people feed off you until you haven’t had anything more to give. Like you thought it was your responsibility to nurse them with your milk. Whenever they wanted they could just suck it out of you. But they took it all until you were left all dried out. Now it’s time to cover your bosom, put on a good bra that is complicated for them to open when they try to get inside it – and to sit with your arms crossed to let other people know that you are not there to feed all their needs.”
I came to think of the old statue – Romus and Remus with the Wolf – and I got inspired to make my own version of it, perhaps in a painting.
Even though I have a good picture of what my issue is, it will take me a long time to understand how to deal with it. It is so deeply rooted. I have to remind myself that in the end, the essence of codependency is a good thing. It means I am a good person – but with loose boundaries. And that’s totally fixable. I just need to put on a bra.
-16 ℃
Thursday turned out to be one of the coldest days in a long time; -16℃ (3.2℉). The short walk to the bus stop made my thighs numb and my nose all red. The river was covered with a shiny layer of ice. But even through the coldness I found a lot of warmth and light.
Love is everywhere, you’ll even find it in the oddest of places.
Ice.
On the bus. I don’t like sunshine and it’s obviously mutual, it makes me me look this creepy.
After my meeting with my therapist, who labeled my biggest issue as “psychological codependency”. Now I know what I have to deal with. Probably forever.
Slowing down
I have been feeling so tired lately. My body is still fighting the flu from new years, but there’s more to it than that. I’m pushing myself pretty hard right now, trying to break through different barriers and to overcome annoying obstacles. Perhaps I need to slow down. Good thing I have another session of therapy today, it gives me an excuse to slow down and look at where I am right now instead of where I wish to go next.
At the last session “Patience” was the keyword and my therapist told me to write the word down in big letters on a piece of paper to keep on my refrigerator door. It is still not natural to me to slow down and just be patient. My natural state is to work hard for the things I want. “Yes, but you have to be patient to be able to get the things you need.” she said. Wisely.
The shift from the old year to the new excited me and I guess I’m just eager to start doing all the things I told myself I would do in 2017. But it’s hasn’t even been a week yet, I’ve got plenty of time to achieve all my goals – one by one.
Patience, Mia, patience.
A bed of dreams
In bed, writing down synopsis and ideas for future art lectures (a dream I’ve had for a long time).
John Berger and “Ways of Seeing”
I learned so much from this guy. His book “Ways of Seeing” is the nearest thing to a Bible for me.
John Berger – art critic (5 November 1926 – 2 January 2017)
Tuesday in a snow globe
Pictures from today:
… So… it started to snow…!…
https://www.instagram.com/p/BOzuwitAq65/?taken-by=miamakila
Finding more inner light every day.
Making notes at a café – this is SO last year!…
My wonderful job coach in action – time to find a job that goes in line with my creativity and empathy. Once I have a steady income I will be able to start my new life and invest money in new art projects – and then Johnny would finally be able to move here so we can share a future together.
The butterfly dance
Winter is about to hit my city with a lot of snow and ice – but I feel like I there’s nothing but spring inside me. There are butterflies dancing in my heart, sunshine in my mind and I’m feeling slightly aroused all the time (my favorite state of mind). I think this means that I’ve finally found an inner balance and harmony between the conflicting parts of my brain, that actually works. I am ready for this new year to challenge me – in a positive way of course.
My mind is filled with new ideas for future artworks – and it’s kind of ironic because I’ve strained or overworked the muscles in my wrist, so I can’t work very well right now. I think I might have hurt it while making the new website.
The new ideas for my digital art really excites me. Instead of the floating house, I am now focused on the room. I am not chasing a home anymore – I am home. There’s a clear mythology to my work and I use a lot of recurring symbols, now is the time to collect them all into one collection of works.
Floating houses:
“Out of the Nothing Box” by Mia Makila, 2014
Strings Attached (digital)
“Out of Reach” by Mia Makila, 2016
This is a great phase of my trauma recovery process – I’m slowly breaking out of my cocoon before I will fly out in the real world. Before I get to be wild and free, just like the butterflies I keep inside my heart.
Work in progress
The unfinished demon portrait
A commissioned portrait (unfinished) I made in 2014 that would have played a part in a gothic horror movie for teens, but was never used because of confused prop people. The portrait is a digital collage (reference photos in the photo below).
Happy new year!
I want to wish you all a happy new year but also to thank you for appreciating this blog. It is my diary and I share my vulnerability and strength with you because I believe that if we open up our hearts and minds to each other, the world will become a more open and tolerate place. Next year will be filled with political challenges, but I have a good feeling about 2017. I will try to make the most of it.
I have so many ideas for new art projects in 2017 – can’t wait to get started! I have two art shows to plan, a collection of works to make and self esteem issues to fix. 2017 will keep me busy for sure.
If you missed the post about my new official website, here is a new chance for a visit.
It’s so windy here today, my windows are almost about to break. If we are lucky, they are winds of change.
Happy new year!
The hierarchy of values
Each passing day brings something good with it. I feel grateful and happy because it wasn’t too long ago that I fell down one of the dark holes of my mind. The good thing is that I know how to avoid it now. Lately, I’ve been making research about values and the hierarchy of values and what I’ve been prioritizing as important and unimportant. For example; if your most important value is security, then your behavior, your decisions and life choices will be based on the value and you will always embrace the feelings that the concept of security creates in you (happiness, feeling safe and content etc). But also – if your most important value is security, you’re likely to avoid the opposite values (being adventurous, make risky decisions and embrace the unknown etc). I made a list of the 5 things I value the most (in order of prioritization) and then another list of things I don’t put a high value and that I wish to avoid:
5 things I value the most:
- Spiritual freedom & creativity
- Feeling safe
- Love
- Happiness and mental stimulation
- Harmony
- Health
5 things I don’t put a high value on /things I want to avoid:
- Being/feeling forced or pressured
- Feeling/being unsafe
- Social exclusion (group mentality etc)
- A life without a motion forward (rigid routines and being stuck in a rut)
- Feeling empty inside/unstimulated
- Being unhealthy
Because these lists are of my most important values and the things I want to avoid, they are charge with a lot of feelings and associations – and as a result, they will create a conflict at times. I think I’ve been afraid to take a ‘real job’ because I’ve felt stressed by the idea of feeling forced to do things and it has also triggered the fear of possible social exclusion. Being an artist is the perfect way for me to reach my highest value – spiritual freedom, but it doesn’t make me feel safe, at least not economically, therefore there’s been a conflict within myself. Freedom or financial security?
Feeling unsafe is something I want to avoid – and it’s hard to do when you’re craving freedom. But there are ways to find a balance between the things I want the most and the things I least want. I just have to figure it all out. Perhaps I can achieve the feeling of spiritual freedom by simply being myself in a work place (something I have never tried before because of my fear of social exclusion) – or perhaps I’d feel safe if I learn more about starting my own business, so I can make money on my art without feeling unsafe and insecure about the money issue. I will make this a challenge for next year – to find satisfying compromises both in the wanted and in the unwanted. Because what’s really important to me is to reboot my art career and make a comeback in the art world, so I can be more successful with my art (and writing) and then move Johnny to Sweden so we can share our home in the same geographical place. And I want to feel safe. No more drama, conflicts, stress or mindless, self-destructive behavior. Those are the cornerstones of what I wish to achieve. The rest is gravy.
Melanie Safka – Lovers Lullaby
The Y
I was watching Amy last night – the documentary about Amy Winehouse (which was both brilliant and sad), and her name inspired a chain reaction in my mind. I suddenly realized that I have a very intimate connection to names with an ‘y’ at the end. For example:
The name of my big high school crush was Conny.
Me, the first year in high school and the guy I crushed on.
When I was a teen, I had a diary that I called ‘Nelly’ and my favorite sitcom at the time was Laverne & Shirley.
I have two ex boyfriends with names that ends with an ‘y’: Jerry, Jimmy and my current boyfriend’s name is Johnny.
My two best girlfriends’ names are Nancy and Jenny.
My favorite country is Germany.
My favorite TV character is Ally McBeal and one of my favorite movies is Bergman’s Fanny And Alexander.
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“Fanny And Alexander” by Mia Makila, mixed media on paper, 2012
And my favorite hobby is to ask the question ‘why?’ – that’s why I went to college to study history of ideas, because you get to ask ‘why?’ instead of ‘who, when, where?’ as regular historians ask. My mom has told me a lot of stories about how curious I was as a child, always asking ‘but why?’ or ‘why not?’. I’ve always loved to question things and never take them for granted.
– This is how curious I was as a child – I refused to lay on my back in the stroller – because I wanted to be able to visually explore the world.
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I’m sure there’s a logic explanation to my little subconscious obsession with the letter ‘y’ – like “it’s all just a big coincidence”, but I like the idea that there’s more to find on a Freudian level. It’s all about asking the right question – like; Y?
My eyes seen through the eyes of artist T.O. Fife
“Homecoming” by Mia Makila
new digital work:
Homecoming by Mia Makila, 2016. Digital collage. Click to enlarge!
detail study:
The year of Death and stranger things
As the year is rapidly coming to an end, I am working hard to complete the two artworks currently in progress. I am also trying to sum up the year to see what it was all about.
2016 was the year of Death – at least for big celebrities and the people of Aleppo (and to the American Dream). Let’s hope that 2017 will be (or make us) more gentle. Although it was a dark year, it taught me so many new things. Important things. I learned that I am not who I think I am – in fact I am the opposite of my own self image – what a great surprise, because the new me is an incredible person. I learned that there’s a word to label my sexuality; “demisexual” – and it stopped the confusion I’ve always felt towards my sexual orientation. However, 2016 was also the year I got a big girl crush on Christine and the Queens. I’d want to make love to her brain at least.
Christine and the Queens
This year also forced a re-connection between my body and mind when I got really sick. It was a hard time but I got a lot out of it. Before I could separate the two as the result of an old survival strategy – but now I am connected and it will make me more cautious and careful how I treat my body and mind, but also how I allow other people to treat it. Once I had reconnected, I started to regret everything in my past. That’s what the disconnection was all about – to be able to do whatever without feeling regret or discomfort. It’s tough to regret so many things, situations, relationships and behaviors, but all I can do is to learn from it and promise myself to never do it again. Otherwise, I’d just become bitter and sad, two of my least favorite state of mind.
It made it easier for me to close the door to my past.
At last.
I am not chained to my past anymore. It is not holding me back. It is not haunting me. It is now a place of experience, wisdom and knowledge.
2016 was a great year for streaming TV series. I loved many of this year’s new TV series, like Stranger Things, the revival of Gilmore Girls – A Year In The Life, The People Vs OJ Simpson, The Crown, The Divorce and this year’s seasons of Girls and Orange Is The New Black. I never really got into Westworld, but perhaps I’ll give it another try next year. I’m looking forward to 2017’s new series – Little Big Lies, the Twin Peaks revival and A Series of Unfortunate Events.
Stranger Things
I was not impressed with this year’s season of mystery podcast Serial. The narrative was all off and the story just ran around in circles. The new series Designated Survivor was utterly dissatisfying. It was old school TV, a mix of West Wing and 24 (with Kiefer Sutherland to boot). It felt very dated.
My favorite 2016 song was this one (I can’t stop dancing to it):
My favorite word I learned this year was without a doubt: I’mpossible.
And Michelle Obama said all kinds of wise things this year. I wish we all could go high in 2017. What a wonderful year we could create together that way.
My videos from 2016
I love communicating via videos. It gives me the perfect opportunity to be intimate with my audience, something that feels important to me. These are the videos from 2016:
unveiling of mia makila artwork at galleri kameleont
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mia makila talks about her latest painting “the core”
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high on dentist drugs
https://www.instagram.com/p/BImrNQCAUGe/
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greetings from mia makila
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A video poem by mia makila, january 2016
The change
I’ve had a wonderful Christmas. One of the best. Even if Johnny is so far away, it felt like we shared every moment of Christmas together. I’m feeling so very loved and happy and all wrapped in optimism and hope. This year has been both heavy and dark (I bet the music industry would agree), therefore it’s such a miracle that it has finally changed for the better. In less than a week, the new year will come and offer a fresh start. I will make the most of the new year and not waste any of my resources on the wrong things. I have so many things I want to accomplish, so much I wish to do – and for the first time I am feeling confident and capable. I know I can do whatever I want to accomplish, as long as I stay away from the doubts and the fears – which is easier said than done. That will be next year’s big challenge.
Merry Christmas!
I wish you all a very merry Christmas! I am celebrating my Christmas at my parent’s house and with Johnny on the other side of the world. Look for magic in the Christmas spirit – it is there for sure.
Walt Disney – Once Upon A Wintertime
My best photos from 2016
Angel with wings instead of ears
Death in the dentist office.
Back to nature. My nature.
I’m not a crazy cat lady, I’m the crazy notebook lady! (self-therapy)
Surprise.
My best friend, my team mate and my boyfriend.
Surreal view in Linköping (can you spot the shark?).
My parents ❤
Love. Just love.
Selfie with lust.
My beautiful city, Norrköping, Sweden
With my friend and digital artist Mats Tusenfot.
Detail of my digital work “Bones of Rape”.
The anatomy of the ‘inside of the inside’.
Red is my color.
Feeling loved.
Working on “The Core”.
The weirdest thing I saw this year, Lindö, Norrköping (Sweden).
My digital baby “Strings Attached” is born.
Sick but happy (August).
Painting.
My art was featured in an academic study about horror and ghosts.
I can connect to this tree.
A happy collector.
American car show in Sweden.
Hiding.
“The Little Man” – detail study.
Stature with anxiety.
My kitchen looked like a jungle this summer.
Celebrating a traditional Swedish Midsummer.
For a while my living room looked like this, but it was too drafty so I had to rearranged it again. But it looked pretty like this.
A lonely man sunbathing in front of the cemetery.
Selfie in spring.
Junk in a thrift store.
Books to read.
Defining my role models; Anne of Green Gables, Bergman, Rowling, Pippi, Kahlo and Munch.
Fan art – it’s me!
Taking advice from a pillow.
The reward
After I launched the new site, I sort of crashed. I’m exhausted. So I took yesterday off to rest and collect new energy. I am finding clarity in so many things now days – in my creativity, my health and when it comes to love and happiness. I feel awake and present. Engaged with the world around me. Even though I lost a lot of things things year, the things I gained are priceless to me. And I gained them through each loss.
I lost some dreams. I lost a tooth. A lot of hair due to stress. I lost part of my family. I lost opportunities. I lost money. I lost both a sense of control and myself for a while.
With Johnny, earlier this year
But I also lost the last PTSD symptoms, which used to rule my every day life. I lost many destructive and false self images. I lost the connection to my inner Lolita, who used to love feeling submissive. I lost the survival strategies that made it possible for me to live my life without constantly being prepared for a new catastrophe. I lost my dance partner in the destructive, psychological dance of death. I lost a lot of stupid distractions. I lost the creative blockage. I lost the heavy burden of carrying other people’s responsibility and judgement. And all those losses have liberated me from so much fear, pain and suffering. It brought me closure. It gave me a chance to be myself, without being afraid to make other people uncomfortable. It made it possible for me to finally accept Johnny’s love without wanting to push him away – and for me me feel at home in myself, in my art and in the love I share with Johnny (no wonder my new digital piece is called ‘Homecoming’). It makes me feel more at peace. Balanced. Centered. More alive.
What a beautiful reward.
I don’t belong to any genre. Period.
Saturday: doing some final touch-ups on my website at a café
I just finished the work on my new website and I feel really excited! It will be launched tomorrow and I’ll put a link here in the blog and on Facebook. I decided not to define my art with a style or art movement after all. I am Mia Makila and that is all that matters. My art is unique and I have many different sides and qualities and they don’t fit in a single -ism or genre. I am way too complicated as a person to have a static style or a defined set of aesthetics – I fluctuate between many styles and artistic expressions. I think I always will.
Christmas is just around the corner and yesterday I received a big package from the States – it was a Christmas gift from Johnny and it’s super heavy. I wonder what he sent. Can’t wait to find out.
I still have two artworks to finish – “The Wound” and “Homecoming”. I feel lucky to be me right now.
Where do I belong?
Me at the opening of my debute solo show as a horror artist, 2007
For the first time ever, I’ve tried to define myself as an artist and my style in an artist statement for my new website. It’s really hard. What is my ambition as an artist? What drives me? What genre does my art belong to? I’ve gone through many styles throughout my career; neo-victorian horror, lowbrow, gothic, popsurrealism and art brut. Perhaps it’s because I’ve gone through so many personal transformations as well. My styles vary a lot but I do see a theme running through all my works – balancing the raw and the delicate.
I feel at home in genres like primitive art, naÏve art, folk art and outsider art – with a twist of lowbrow.. But am I an outsider artist? I do feel like an outsider and I deal with traumas and primitive expressions in my art but an outsider artist lives completely outside society’s conventions and rules. Perhaps I’m too obedient to consider myself to be an outsider artist. But I could make my own art genre. Primitive expressionism? Outsider-lowbrow? It’s really hard. The word ‘outsider’ rings true to me because I’m also an outsider in the Swedish art community. I Googled ‘outsider art’ in my hometown and the word or concept doesn’t even exist here:
I feel like this could be my future mission – to create a place for myself and other artists like me – and people who belong to the outsider genre but doesn’t even know they are artists because they live in mental institutions or are isolated in some way. It would be a beautiful mission.
MIA MAKILA 