I feel like crying. Not because I’m sad, but because I am feeling so moved by all the love I have in my life right now. I am not used to being so loved and respected. I have weeded out all the destructive people in my life. All the self proclaimed victims, emotional vampires, the energy thieves and the people who used me for their own selfish reasons. They are all gone. Now, I’m surrounding myself with real friends, genuine people who love to share themselves with me without any ulterior motives or manipulations. I feel very appreciated by the owner of the gallery where I’m doing my internship at the moment. It means a lot to me. My life is beautiful and I feel connected to every part of it – and very connected to myself. I don’t know why my life has been filled with so much pain and suffering, or why I’ve been treated like dirt by so many people – perhaps so that one day, I would be able to appreciate love and happiness this much. It’s a big contrast. The love I used to get was either harsh, or just indifferent and disconnected. The love I feel from people now is soft, warm and magnetic. I’ve been isolated for so long but now I’m starting to open up to people around me. I’ve been scared of being hurt again but I’ve learned that what I’ve experienced in my past is not normal or natural, therefore I must trust myself to know who’s trustworthy or not. And when I dare to trust someone who’s worthy of my trust and when I invest myself in them to place their trust in me as well, I finally find genuine beauty in other people. And great friendships. My days as an isolated person is over. My fear of being hurt is fading. And I owe it all to the wonderful people who have shown me the meaning of life through their persistent love and support; to just accept life for what it is and to be kind to everything and everyone in it – including myself.

It’s a strange sensation to see my life fall into place instead of falling to pieces. I am tired of loss, tears and worries.I’m so done with all that. Last year, I made so much resistance to this new happiness and the love I’ve found. The good things scared me. It looked so unfamiliar and so fragile, like it would go away if I’d reach out and touch it. Now I know that happiness is not only momentarily, it can be lasting – if I love myself and accept whatever life brings to me, good or bad. I know I will survive anything because I’ve proved that to myself so many times already. To make resistance to happiness is to reject love – love for oneself, other people or for life itself. And it doesn’t make any sense to do that. It only happens if we believe that we don’t deserve it. But we all do. Both me and you. If we don’t deserve it, who does?

Spring turned into summer in only a week. My body is always sensitive to the transitions of the seasons and especially when the changes are quick and extreme. I feel wild. Like a spring flower that’s caught on fire in the summer heat. Every part of me is alive. Every cell. Every hair. Every thought. Perhaps we all carry a piece of summer in our hearts because it’s so easy to connect with the energy of the season.

I will dedicate all day tomorrow to work on my painting “The Core”. It’s a large scale canvas and at times painting on it feels like taming a beast.  But I’m almost done. I hope I can transfer this glowing energy into the painting. It is about my core and I have to load it with my light and energy.  Because the core is everything. Everything. That’s where all our good things are born. Our strength. Ability to love and to be loved. Happiness. Peace. Power. The soul. The “realness” of our existence. The light within. And the sexual energy. Everything we need to protect.  All those things that makes us  feel vulnerable and naked – and at the same time divine and alive.

It’s 10 pm and it’s not dark yet. The cemetery looks like a murky landscape of mountains and trees against the sunset. It’s been a strange week and I’m glad it’s about to end. Next week will be great, I can feel it.

It’s a night of so many emotions. I feel wide open. Like I can absorb the night and turn it into words. The midnight hour is hiding both my abstractions and my secrets. Like shadows drowning in its own darkness. My body yearning to be touched. A soft flickering light. Or is it my heart? Nights are a destination. A cemetery for memories. A garden of dreams. I bury myself in its stillness. I feel safe here.

It’s been a very intense week. So much is happening at the same time. Even if it’s all good, I feel like I am falling off the edge of my own little world at times. Which is healthy. Sometimes you need the sensation of falling to be able to travel to a new place. Those places you can’t get to in any other way. Like making the impossible possible by inventing a new gravity and laws of physics just by taking chances. Risks. To allow life to expose itself and not just be a comfortable backdrop to your own drama. If I have been in a transitional period recently, I’m now in the period of learning. Learning how to trust. Love. Be. Think. Learning how to act in a  social context. Learning how to balance the good with the bad. How to get use to kindness. How to not confuse my own heart. Learning the anatomy of sensuality. Seduction. Eroticism. Learning how to spot the difference between fear and instincts. Between lust and attraction. And learning how to distinguish between the pointless and the significant.

It’s a process of trial and error. I stumble and fall. Here’s the importance of falling again. I won’t ever learn anything if I’m not allowed to fall once in a while. The most important thing is that I’ll get back up again. That’s how babies learn how to walk. That’s also how you overcome a trauma. It’s the basic element of any evolution or change. I just need to remind myself of that a little more often.

The night is shifting depth in the dark tones. I’m still wide open. I’ll let it blindfold me. Slowly .

I’ve spent a wonderful day with my friend Jenny in Stockholm today – and I got to see my digital baby “Strings Attached” being born at the printer’s office (Proimages) – I really needed this injection of inspiration!

My digital baby “Strings Attached” is born.

These maps are very personal. The maps of “Nyland” [Newland] – a made up island I created during my last year of the abusive marriage. It was a way to disassociate myself from my reality – a place to escape to when I couldn’t stand my own life or the helplessness I felt at the time. I tried to create a place of peace and beauty. And a place that I could control and create in any way I wanted. There, I felt powerful and significant. I made up stories about the history of the cities. I created a climate, I created the nature and its assets on the island. I shaped the lakes and smaller islands connected to the big island – like they served as a safe haven in an already safe place. Places where no one could ever get to me and hurt me. I created a mythology around Nyland – the flag, the history of the nation and the symbols associated with it.

One year into creating Nyland, I finally found the strength to leave my abuser and the project disappeared into the mess of the divorce. And then I just forgot about it.

Now, I am thinking about the project as an evidence that I have so many worlds inside me. Places to visit, stories to tell. Characters to explore. This, in combination with my passion for drowning in the complex worlds of TV series, makes me wonder if I would be able to create a made up Universe to share with other people – like J.K. Rowling or Tolkien but with my own mythology. What is hiding deep inside me? I can sense something… somewhere… but I guess only time will tell exactly what is to be found in my inner treasure chest of imagination and creativity.

Life is really kind to me right now.  Doors are beginning to open up for me and I am finding new opportunities, possibilities and a chance to grow all the time. It looks like I’m getting an internship at a local gallery – what a dream! I know this opportunity will give me a lot of new knowledge and experience and it’s just the perfect workplace for me at this point. I feel really connected to the concept of the gallery and its purpose. I’m so excited!

And my painting “The Core” will be finished soon. I can’t wait to share it with you. I am already planning my next painting. And the next. And the next…

In 10 minutes, Johnny will call me from California. I wish my phone could swallow me whole and transport me and my body all the way to the States, because I miss him so much. I want to smell his face. Be forehead to forehead and feel our thoughts blending in an invisible stream of sensual energy and love. Some days are cruel. The days when the missing turns into a disease. Other days, like today, I just feel so happy to know that there is a home for me out there. I used to feel homeless for such a long time. Possibly all my life. Even though I’ve always had a home, an actual apartment or a house and people around me who claim they love me. But I’ve been so lonely. There is no other emotional torture worse than feeling lonely in a relationship. To have someone but not having any access to them. To be spooned at night, but feeling like you are replaceable. To share a romantic dinner with someone who never looks into your eyes. To feel like a guest in your own house. To long for silence and solitude instead of togetherness and company. So I am very grateful for what I share with Johnny, even if he’s half a world away. I’d rather share a geographical distance with someone than an emotional one.

5 minutes now…

The view from my window right now; the cemetery and the Valborg celebration in the park behind it, with a bonfire (to the left of the chapel) and fireworks

I am out of sync with this day, like I never really woke up at all today. It’s the evening of Valborg – the last day of April and as a European tradition, it’s time to officially welcome spring. I can hear a choir singing traditional Swedish songs of spring and hope, all the way from the park behind the cemetery outside my window. I’m still very allergic but I welcome spring, in many ways this year. I am anticipating so many wonderful things to come. A new collection of artworks. Art shows. Writing projects. A new job. Johnny coming back to Sweden to visit me again. More happiness. More creativity. More of everything that is good. But first, I have to survive the pollen season before I can celebrate all the good things to come without any distractions.

Now, I can hear a brass orchestra making a salute. I guess it’s officially spring now. Time for growth. Optimism. Hope. Colors. Creative explosions. More light. Butterflies. Love. I told you – everything good is just around the corner.