Where do I belong?

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Me at the opening of my debute solo show as a horror artist, 2007

For the first time ever, I’ve tried to define myself as an artist and my style in an artist statement for my new website. It’s really hard. What is my ambition as an artist? What drives me? What genre does my art belong to? I’ve gone through many styles throughout my career;  neo-victorian horror, lowbrow, gothic, popsurrealism and art brut. Perhaps it’s because I’ve gone through so many personal transformations as well. My styles vary a lot but I do see a theme running through all my works – balancing the raw and the delicate.

I feel at home in genres like primitive art, naÏve art, folk art and outsider art – with a twist of lowbrow.. But am I an outsider artist? I do feel like an outsider and I deal with traumas and primitive expressions in my art but an outsider artist lives completely outside society’s conventions and rules. Perhaps I’m too obedient to consider myself to be an outsider artist. But I could make my own art genre. Primitive expressionism? Outsider-lowbrow? It’s really hard. The word ‘outsider’ rings true to me because I’m also an outsider in the Swedish art community. I Googled ‘outsider art’ in my hometown and the word or concept doesn’t even exist here:

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I feel like this could be my future mission – to create a place for myself and other artists like me – and people who belong to the outsider genre but doesn’t even know they are artists because they live in mental institutions or are isolated in some way. It would be a beautiful mission.

A smooth flow of happiness

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I’ve kept myself busy this week and I am finding more and more energy as I am working hard to sync myself to the heartbeats of life itself. I’m full of hope and optimism. But there are moments when I stop just to have that little piece of doubt; “what’s wrong, why am I feeling so happy?” so I asked my job coach: “do you think I am bipolar because I used to be so sad and anxious all the time and now I just feel happy and excited?” She laughed and said: “no, Mia, this is YOU, without the heavy weight you’ve been carrying for so long. This is who you always were and you’ve worked damn hard to get here so don’t you doubt any of it.”

I guess I’m just not used to this smooth flow of happiness. Before it was more of a rollercoaster ride. I’m sure it will always be a bumpy ride for me because I have a passionate and sensitive disposition, but I am not manic or bipolar and the ride won’t take me too deep when I’ll be falling again. Because I will – we all do at times.

I have much to be happy about. Johnny and I are sharing our lives and love together even though we are apart (who said I’m not good at patience?), I am painting, making digital art, I’m dancing around my apartment like I used to do a long time ago, I am working on the website and I’m proud of the work I’m doing – and today I’ll go on a little trip to see a dear friend.

I don’t take life for granted anymore – I don’t take happiness for granted, so I am feeling so much gratitude and appreciation right now.

Friends

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I’m watching old episodes of Friends and the scene where Monkey has a turkey on her head to make Chandler happy always makes me laugh so hard. It’s little things like this that makes me energized – and I find that both poetic and surreal.

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The year of joy and peace

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Recent photos from my phone:

My keywords for 2017
My new favorite photo of Johnny which he sent me last week, I feel so happy looking at his smile

I’ve had a wonderful weekend even though my health has been shaky. I’m getting more and more into the flow of creativity and positive thinking. It’s more natural for me now to think in terms of “what you think – you’ll become” instead of being sucked down into my fear, sadness or negative energy pits.

The important thing is to keep busy, to be balanced in rest/play and body/mind and working on my self-esteem. And I’ve been both busy and ambitious lately with making new artworks, creating a new website for my art, writing a plan for next year’s achievements and goals – and making research about neuro linguistic programming. I feel proud of myself.

And I know that before this year is over, I’ll finish at least 3 more artworks, my new art site will be launched (as a Christmas gift for my precious audience) and I’ll have a clear vision of what I need to do to be able to reach my goals for 2017:

  1. reduce stress /get healthy
  2. find balance between mind/body and rest/play
  3. continue my process of independence
  4. stop feeding the want and start nurturing the need
  5. celebrate life
  6. be creative and have fun with it
  7. get more money so I can invest in new projects
  8. plan art shows for 2018-2019

I know that next year will be amazing – even if the world is all messed up right now and Trump will become the new sitting President of the United States – but there is no one of nothing that can take away the optimism and newfound self-esteem that I’ve worked so hard for this year.  That makes me feel powerful and it’s a great feeling after feeling vulnerable for a long time. What a victory. What a fucking victory.

The flow

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Trying to capture panic in “The Wound”

I am really painting again. No self-doubt, no hesitation, no fear – just me having fun in the studio. And even if the subject matter is very disturbing and painful for me, I don’t feel sad or anxious while working – I’m just letting it all out and as it leaves my heart and end up on the canvas, I am healing even more. Last night I ended up in that wonderful flow of creativity and passion that I’ve missed so much and I couldn’t sleep because of the rush from the flow.

One of the best things I’ve done lately is to define what my idea of ‘the perfect artistic expression’ is to me. I made a list of what I’m trying to achieve with my artistic voice, and if I just follow the list I will have no reason to doubt myself or compare myself to other artists:

  1. Capture strong emotions in their primitive state

  2. Use vivid colors

  3. Find a balance between light/dark and playful/serious

  4. Simplicity and a clear composition (no unnecessary details or a realistic approach)

  5. The expression should not be flattering or perfect in an obvious way

  6. The expression has to feel like ‘home’ to me

“Can’t you hear who you are?”

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2014

I met up with my job coach this week and we talked about my resources and qualities. After she’d established some of my best resources, she suddenly said: “…and you have the gift of rhetoric in your spinal cord”

“I have…umm…what do you mean?” I asked.
“I mean that you have the gift of talking, of expressing yourself. You are very articulate and that’s not something I come across every day. It’s a gift.”
“You see that in me? I don’t know, I guess I can’t see it , because this is just who I am, it’s natural to me.”
“Mia… can’t you HEAR who you are?”.

Her question surprised me, because I’ve never got that question before – but I felt intrigued to explore it. I need to listen and hear myself just as I am learning how to see myself. And some day soon, I will be able to hear myself the way she’s able to hear me.  I am slowly learning that I’m so much more than I’ve ever known myself to be.

“Mojoing”

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Selfie from last year. This totally looks like a mug shot, I almost wish it was. But I do have some mojo going on.

My mojo has been missing for a long time but I am finally beginning to feel it seep into my veins again. I’m starting to feel playful and horny while working with my art and that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Lust and passion are such important components in my creativity and it creates this sexual energy that feeds my imagination and ambition. I love it. It makes me feel powerful, potent and alive. I’m so dependent on my mojo – to be ‘mojoless’ is almost painful for me. It’s almost like I get sick when I lose the connection to my sexual energy. So, I need to stay connected to it.

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2007

I think mojo is such a natural part of the human energy – we are driven by two needs; to survive and to propagate our species – the mojo is a necessary energy for both needs.  I choose to celebrate it. To put it in my work – and load my core with it. Although I am so connected to my mojo, I lose the connection very easily. It happens when I start to doubt myself, when I lose myself to other people’s expectations, when I compromise my artistic expression – or when I feel censored by my own fear or by other people’s judgment. I just have to be more careful with my mojo and keep my shape intact and not letting other people mold it to whatever they want me to be for them.

The mojo makes me feel electric in both my body and thoughts and it keeps all my parts connected (mind, body, heart, soul) and therefore I am able to be me to the fullest. I think that kind of soft and invisible electricity is a beautiful experience and it’s also so natural – since our brain is wired through electrical impulses (and when the doctor tries to resuscitate the heart, they use electricity). There are so many fascinating and natural energies that people seem to forget about. We should learn how to harness them and to create something incredible with it – for ourselves and others. We should all start ‘mojoing’ more. Mojoing when we are alone. Mojoing together with other people. To let those electric butterflies fly.

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Mojoing, 2010

From one world to another

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Studying neuro linguistic programming

I feel inspired and really excited about 2017. I can’t wait to dig into the new year with all the new knowledge and awareness that this year provided me with. I’ve worked so hard and gone through some of the most painful processes, but I’m proud of myself and it’s been worth both the effort and all the pain.

Remember when I wrote about being stuck in my personal purgatory? I am definitely on the other side of it now, cleansed, changed and liberated. With the feeling of having closure, being self-empowered and practicing an open consciousness,  I am ready for whatever challenges next year will bring. This will be reflected in my art and writing as well.

This year, I’ve focused so much on my inner journey but  next year I’ll put my focus on more practical things – I’ll move away from the intellectual world of thinking, contemplating, analyzing, planning, and go toward the physical world of doing, being, making.

Doing things that are good for me. Being Mia and letting go of roles and masks. Making art because it’s fun, not because people expect it from me.

What’s the motivation?

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I am reading this great book about programming the mind for success and positive thinking – and there was a question that really made me think;

“Where do you find your motivation – in achieving goals or in avoiding something you don’t want in your life?”

What an amazing question, so many hidden truths and beliefs can be found in asking it. Am I motivated to DO something or am I trying to run away from something?

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All I know is that I don’t want an ordinary life – is that a reason, to become an artist to avoid the same lifestyle as my parents and what I knew as real and ordinary as a child? Or the opposite – am I driven by a constant need to express myself and to affect people with these expressions? I am not sure.

I’ve always wanted to avoid playing by other people’s rules (which is ironic since I’ve both been drawn to and scared of authoritarians) and not wanting the ordinary to dominate my life. I’ve always looked for magic. In everything. Everywhere. I find it in intimacy, in my creativity, imagination, in my fantasies, dreams, during Christmas time and when it’s snowing, raining, in thunder and lightning. I find magic in other people’s hearts, in the core, in growth and awakening, in transformations and transcendence. I find magic in laughing, dancing, singing, smiling, in the twinkle of the eye, in body heat, heartbeats and tears. I find magic in nature and in animals – in music and  artistic expression.

And of course I find magic in love.

Ally McBeal

Ally McBeal

My need for magic is insatiable. I guess that’s why I can relate to the fictional characters Ally McBeal, Pippi Longstocking and Anne of Green Gables so much. Or why I connect so deeply with the magic worlds of Ingmar Bergman.

The opening sequence of Ingmar Bergman’s ‘Fanny & Alexander’ (1982) and the magical world of Alexander’s imagination

Anne of Green Gables (1986) imagining herself as the Lady of Shalott

I don’t deny reality and I don’t dislike the real world, but I know there’s so much more to it than endless routines, problems and mechanical needs like eating, pooping, sleeping. I do believe in magic even though I don’t believe in any God or an afterlife. That’s why it’s so important for me to bring magic into the world, while I am still alive because I only have one chance of contributing – and it’s now.

We are all made of cosmic materials, stardust and moonlight – we are all part of a great mystery. We need to remind ourselves of that more. We are magic.

I would say that my motivation comes from a combination of being uncomfortable with the ordinary and therefore chasing magic both within and outside the ordinary.

Notes from my notebook

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“Nobody can make you feel or be anything for you. You create your own thoughts, feelings and moods. Nobody can crawl into your head and change your state of mind or the way you are feeling at the moment. You are responsible for what you allow to affect you and for putting a value to other people’s words – low or high, according to how much they mean to you. Who is your audience – your critics who don’t know you or the people who know and appreciate you?

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Stockholm, 2012

My state of mind is my own responsibility – but I am not responsible for how other people might judge me or think of me. I just have to let it go. I am not on a mission to control how other people feel about me. They can love me or hate me but I choose to surround myself with people who make me feel good. I only listen to people who appreciate what I do or who I am – if they have criticism I know it’s because they want to make me grow, not to humiliate me. I don’t know how I could allow anyone to punish me for my weaknesses or for my strength – it is not who I am anymore.

I have integrity – therefore I don’t let other people’s opinions affect me.
I practice self-compassion – I am kind to myself and won’t put myself in any harm’s way.
I am aware of my thoughts and feelings – I  become what I think and feel; if I think bad thoughts about myself I will feel bad and act accordingly.
I am an equal to all people – until they prove me wrong. If I feel submissive to anyone who doesn’t deserve to put me in that position, I will leave the relationship or the situation.
I am healing – therefore I have to be patient and accept that things will take time. Nobody has the right to judge my process of healing or put a label of what’s ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ when it comes to how I choose to approach this process.
I have boundaries – and it’s my responsibility for making them clear to other people but it’s not my responsibility if they choose not to accept them. If people don’t want or can’t respect my boundaries then I have to leave.
I am open to change – I understand that the same behavior will create the same results and that I can change anything I don’t like about my own behavior. It is never too late to change. But I can’t change other people and I have to accept that.”

– Mia Makila

My wishlist for 2017

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At the end of every year I go through a list of things I want for myself and want to accomplish during the following year. That way, I can plan my life according to my wants and needs (although life has a tendency to make plans for me as well) .

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This is my wish list for 2017:

  • Break dependency cycles (health care system, parents, job coach, therapist etc)
  • Become my own authority figure (be my own Goddess) and never be submissive to anyone
  • Find balance within myself and between body and mind
  • Structure my time and practice self-discipline to find a better tempo in my creativity
  • Meditate every day
  • Remember law of attraction – “What I focus on I shall receive”
  • Be more clear about my boundaries
  • Practice ‘superficial’ so I can be more social (not everyone wants intimacy like I do)
  • BE PATIENT!
  • Control my thoughts and steer them in the right direction (kill negativity and victim mentality)
  • Stop:
    expecting
    over-analyzing
    overthinking
    worrying
    doubting
    judging
    interpreting
  • Live in the moment and enjoy it
  • Stop feeding the WANT and start feeding the NEED
  • Stop being a slave to my own fear
  • Find some joy in things I consider boring
  • Feel grateful for the things I have and for who I am